Repetitive Motion
by butterflyer
Summary: Sometimes, the deepest wounds and most stubborn scars come from our everyday battles. The definition of strength is turned upside down as our favorite characters learn about themselves and each other, getting in plenty of trouble along the way. Expect fights, tears, laughter, and love. Rated M for language, drunken debauchery, and sex. Set after Bloodlines. No TGL spoilers. Canon.
1. Author's Note

_**Author's Note**_

Hello, fellow Vampire Academy fan! Thanks for giving my story a chance. Here's a brief introduction.

_About the author_: I'm 21. American. Female. About to start grad school. This is my first fanfic, but I have plenty of writing experience. Having free time makes me go crazy, so I'm getting back into writing this summer to give my brain something to do all night. No really, I drink entirely too much coffee and am content to read and write until 4am. I wish my world could run on a Moroi schedule!

_About the story: _The story begins at the end of September. New laws have been passed and old ones have been repealed. Jill is no longer in severe danger, so the Palm Springs crew is leaving Amberwood. Meanwhile, Rose is in for a surprise. She is being sent back to St. Vladimir's on a temporary teaching assignment—with a twist. Being back at school forces her to confront her own past. I love the pairs that Richelle Mead has created—Rose and Dimitri, Lissa and Christian, and now maybe Sydney and Adrian. They'll go through plenty of hard times, but I want to keep them together. I hope you'll come to love my new characters as well.

The story is written entirely in Rose's POV, at least for right now. If you think she sounds uncharacteristically unstable at first, try to give her a chance! She's still the same strong, badass guardian girl we know and love, but I think it's unrealistic to expect any of these characters to be completely unharmed by the crazy turns their lives have taken.

_About my inspiration_: I see myself in a lot of these characters. Rose's high school experience reminds me of my college experience in so many ways. Writing about Rose processing her past helps me to make sense of mine as well. However, I am most similar to Adrian. I think he and I would be great friends, get arrested during a wild bender, or both.

But enough about me. Time for the story. I hope you enjoy it! I would love if you'd leave me a review (nice, constructive, downright mean, whatever) so I know that someone else is reading it.


	2. Chapter 1: Ghosts of Ghosts

Just a few months ago, I could have blamed this on spirit. I could have said I was taking the darkness from Lissa, more and more. She needed me to do so. As the queen, her sanity was not expendable. Mine was. However, with the bond broken, my outburst was all on me. A different sort of darkness had taken over, one that I thought I had escaped. Slowly but surely, I was realizing that Deirdre the counselor, with all of her inane questions, might have been on to something. I, Rosemarie Hathaway, am indeed a bit damaged.

It started off with a plane ride, which mercifully did not pass through Seattle on its way to Palm Springs, California. I hadn't even bothered with a cover story and an attempt to get my flight paid for by the Royal Court that employed me. My trip was not business; it was personal. I was there to spend time with Dimitri, to talk face-to-face all night long, and to… well, get personal. With the political climate of the Moroi world finally settling down, the Palm Springs crew was getting ready to leave. I decided to take advantage of one of their last few weeks there to enjoy some much-needed sunshine and time with my boyfriend and my friends.

But I have taken far too many flights in the past year— flights that involved seeing ghosts and taking drastic measures to try to kill the love of my life. Needless to say, I hate flying nowadays. In the air, I felt a phantom pain behind my eyes, as if the ghosts had somehow returned to make me pay for my various sins. Ghosts of ghosts. I chuckled to myself at the thought. When I closed my eyes, I felt as though the floor of the plane was moving under my feet, just as Victor Dashkov had made the earth move moments before I murdered him. _Murderer_, whispered a nasty voice in my head, as a voice that sounded like my own but spoke with a venom my voice had never possessed. _You didn't kill Victor, _it rasped. _You kill Strigoi. What you did to Victor, no matter what Dimitri says, was murder. Dimitri is lying to you and to himself, so he doesn't feel guilty about fucking a murderer, a dirty, tainted girl who_—I drained the rest of my drink, trying to shut the bitch up.

By the time my flight landed, I was thoroughly miserable. The two gin and tonics I had knocked back on the flight did little to combat the ghosts of ghosts. Adding insult to injury, the oppressive desert heat that greeted me seeped through every fiber of my being, making me sweat. I was glad that I had chosen a black shirt for that day, making the sweat less visible. Dimitri loved that shirt, especially its soft cotton fabric and its scooping neckline that stopped just above my breasts.

I lingered outside Palm Springs International Airport, leaning casually on my wheeled duffel bag and wishing I had opted for a sundress instead of jeans. I am always reluctant to step out of guardian mode and feel like an ordinary girl, but in that heat, it was a wonder that I didn't just start stripping right then and there. Dimitri would not have minded one bit, but perhaps not every citizen of Palm Springs could handle my sexiness. For now, the clothes would have to stay.

Speaking of Dimitri, he was late. I pulled out my phone to ask where the hell he was, only to see that I already had a text waiting for me: "Meet u downtown at 7? There's a Thai restaurant just west of the airport". He gave me the address. I sighed, jerking the handle of my duffle bag toward me and wheeling it away from the airport. Normally, I would have been grateful for the walk and the chance to stretch my legs after the long flight from the Moroi Royal Court in Pennsylvania. Dimitri knew that. He had done nothing wrong. Still, my temper flared as I pounded the pavement.

"Shit," I muttered, as I stepped on a crack in the sidewalk and felt my left ankle roll just a bit to the side. I've sprained both ankles countless times, but the left one always seems to give me more trouble than the right. I tweaked it in training just a few days ago, and it was still smarting. Had he known I was in pain, Dimitri would most certainly have picked me up at the airport, or at least talked Sydney into doing so.

My phone buzzed again. It was my mother. Against my better judgment, I answered.

"Yeah," I said abruptly.

She sighed. "Rosemarie, are you ever going to learn some manners?"

"Don't hold your breath. Besides, you can't claim you raised me better than this. What's wrong?"

"Does something have to be wrong for me to call my daughter?" She sounded almost hurt.

"Well… yeah."

She sighed, completely fed up with the conversation already. That made two of us. "Rose, I need you to be serious here. There's a job opening at St. Vladimir's. Rose, listen to me. Hear me out," she insisted, anticipating my interruption. "It will only be temporary. Taryn Holden is very sick, and they need someone to take over her classes at least until the end of the semester. Possibly the end of the year, if she decides to retire. You will be teaching upperclassman novices."

I was unconcerned. "Would, not will. Would. As in, I _would _be teaching upperclassman novices if I were taking the job, which is irrelevant because I am not. Lissa needs me."

"The queen has other guardians. St. Vladimir's needs you."

"Make somebody else do it!" I knew I sounded childish, but the chills running up and down my spine were ruining any semblance of composure I may have found in myself. Composure wasn't exactly my specialty anyway.

"It has been decided by your superiors that you are the best person for the job," she said firmly, as if she were talking to any other young guardian and not her daughter. "This is an honor, Rose. Guarding the queen and fighting battles are not the only important and respectable jobs."

"But why me?"

Janine sighed again. "Because you'll be good, okay? You have more experience than guardians twice your age. You have so much to share. And you will share it because I said so."

I was silent. It was a lost cause. Me and my duffle bag reached the fringes of downtown Palm Springs, and I used the bag for support as I stood at a crosswalk, gingerly lifting my ankle even though I knew the temporary relief would only make it hurt more when I set it on the ground again. My mother took my silence for what it was: resentful acceptance.

"Two weeks from today, you will be taking over Taryn's classes. Enjoy your vacation, Rose. Really. This is not a punishment. Alberta Petrova will be contacting you soon. I offered to break the news to spare her your inevitable immature response. At least you're consistent- consistently great in battle and consistently impossible in your personal life."

"Thanks?" Coming from my mother, that was practically a compliment.

"Behave yourself in California." And with that, the conversation was over.

As the gin and tonics wore off, anger gave way to weariness. Spending so much time at Court has certainly increased my alcohol tolerance. I love being around Lissa, but I miss combat. I thrive on danger, and with so much free time, I've taken to slipping down to Court's 24-hour bar or simply ordering drinks delivered to my private suite in the palace, where my habits won't raise any eyebrows. I hardly care about my reputation, seeing as I ruined it around age 12, but I care about what Dimitri would think. The last thing I want to do is worry him.

That night, quite frankly, I didn't care. I didn't know where this Thai restaurant was, but I knew I had time for a drink or two before meeting up with Dimitri. I was more grateful than ever for the fake ID that allows me to maneuver around the human world. This "gift" was given to me by the Court to conceal my real identity and to give me a fake address. As the queen's personal guardian, I make considerably more money than do most dhampirs, and I had no qualms about slipping the ID creator $100 to fudge my birthdate a bit. As far as the human world is concerned, I am 21 years old.

Limping through the doors of The Oasis, the nearest bar that looked satisfactory, I appeared anything but rich. I flopped down on a bar stool, oblivious to the stares that I got for being a sweaty mess of a teenager parking my unwieldy luggage next to me. Adrian Ivashkov had always loved a hint of sweat on me, but I know that not everyone shares his sentiment. I ordered a simple martini and breathed deeply. I would finish my drink, calm down, clean myself up in the bathroom, and then find this mythical Thai restaurant and present myself to Dimitri as the same strong young woman whose confident, self-assured voice he hears on the phone every evening.

Unceremoniously, I reached into the bowl of fancy, seasoned popcorn in front of me and shoved a handful in my mouth. I was hungry as usual. I could practically see Sydney Sage rolling her eyes, biting back a lecture on how popcorn is deceptively fattening unless it's the diet, microwave variety. The walk from the airport, though short by my standards of exercise, had really zapped my energy.

The bartender set my martini in front of me, and after a quick, grateful nod, I turned my attention to the TV screen. To my horror, it was airing a special on post-traumatic stress disorder in soldiers- human soldiers in faraway places, killing other humans. Once again, I could practically feel the ground roll under my barstool. _You murdered a Moroi. What happened to "they come first", killer? _I try to forgive myself for Dimitri's sake, but I have yet to truly let it go. Part of me hopes I never will. I downed my martini and ordered another. In another life, I would have picked a fight with the men on the stools next to mine, who were discussing the weakness of the traumatized soldiers and how they would be able to stay strong in combat and beyond. I wanted to give them something to be traumatized about, in the form of my fist. Instead, I just drank.

Two hours later, I still hadn't spoken. The TV special was over and new patrons had replaced the old ones. This crowd, a group of girls whose IDs may very well have been just as fake as mine, gave me disgusted looks. Truthfully, even I would have judged me. In fact, I _was_ judging myself. Based on the incessant buzzing of the cell phone perched on my leg, Dimitri was judging me too. Eventually, I had had enough. I paid my bar tab and stormed outside, nearly forgetting my duffle bag at the bar. I tripped over its wheels and the girls giggled. The hand gesture I gave them would have earned me another lecture from my mother.

"What?" I snapped, answering my phone as I slunk down to the sidewalk, leaning against the building.

"Rose!" Dimitri exclaimed. "Where are you? I've been calling you for nearly an hour!" His voice was filled with concern, which only irritated me further.

"Where am I? Where were you?"

"Well, right now I'm at the restaurant-"

"No, where _were _you?" I screamed, causing two moms on the sidewalk to take one look at me and push their strollers in the opposite direction.

"Are you drunk?" asked Dimitri incredulously, sounding as if he didn't know whether to laugh or be angry. I didn't answer. "Rose, where are you?"

By the time he followed my cryptic clues and pulled up to the curb, I was sitting on the sidewalk with bloodshot eyes, hugging my knees to my chest. Dimitri jumped out of the car and popped the trunk. He threw my duffle bag in it, then came back for me. Gripping my forearms firmly, he detached my arms from my knees and pulled me upright. "Oh, Roza," he sighed. I made the mistake of catching his eyes and nearly cried at the tenderness they revealed. He led me to the car, opened the passenger door, and gently shoved me into the car, not quite sure what to do with my limbs. I wasn't entirely sure either.

We were silent as we drove away from downtown. Finally, he spoke. "Roza, what's wrong?"

"The air pressure in the plane hurt my ears," I mumbled. "It always does. Even when I'm not seeing ghosts. So I drank about it." I giggled.

Dimitri did not even acknowledge my weird, lame, and irrelevant excuse, which was just as well. "Rose, you haven't been okay for awhile now. I can hear it in your voice every night. You can't hide from me."

I let out a hollow, horrible laugh that startled even me. "You know when you last said that? In your love letter. Your love letter from the world of the undead. When you were a-"

"That's not fair," he growled, all tenderness gone. Clearly, I was not the only one who still had some "self-forgiveness" to accomplish. He couldn't stand the mention of his Strigoi days, even though he had been "awakened" against his will.

A few minutes later, he glanced over at my pathetic frame, crumpled against the car door. "I can't take you to Clarence's like this," he decided. At a stoplight, he pulled out his phone and clicked on a contact.

"Adrian," he said into the phone, as though it pained him simply to say the name. "I have a present for you."


	3. Chapter 2: Hotel California

**Chapter 2: Hotel California**

"You're taking me to Adrian?" I shrieked. "You do know he _hates_ me, right?"

"Roza, calm down. If anyone can deal with you in this state, it's Adrian Ivashkov. And he doesn't hate you. Nor does he love you anymore. I trust you can both handle a conversation over glasses of water. And besides, I'm not leaving you. I'll be right there. It'll be okay."

"Love fades," I murmured.

"What?" he said sharply. I knew he had heard me.

"Nothing."

The car came to a halt outside what I presumed to be Adrian's apartment building. I moaned as a sudden wave of nausea hit me. For the umpteenth time that night, Dimitri took one look at me and sighed. He opened the passenger door and practically peeled me out of the seat. "Walk," he commanded. "One foot in front of the other. It's not that hard."

"I broke my fucking foot!" I yelled. Okay, that wasn't entirely true. But when he lifted my foot to examine the ankle and saw that it was twice its normal size, he scooped me up in his arms. I willed myself not to ruin his leather duster with all the liquor in my stomach. Outside Adrian's door, Dimitri shifted my weight to knock on the door. As he raised his fist, Adrian began to open it.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't-" Adrian's smile dropped when he saw my condition. "-Everyone's favorite little dhampir," he finished.

"I found her at a bar," Dimitri said lamely.

"That would make sense," Adrian mused.

I giggled at their awkwardness.

Adrian moved out of the doorway, allowing us to pass through. I moaned when my injured foot inadvertently hit the doorframe. "Careful!" I chastised Dimitri.

"Oh, you're fine," he said, as if he were speaking to a young child crying over a scraped knee. Considering my history of dealing with serious injuries while running from Strigoi and guardians who had been ordered to kill me- not to mention being shot- I suppose he was. "She sprained an ankle again in training," he explained to Adrian. "Can you get her some ice?"

The moment they got me perfectly positioned on the sofa with my foot propped up on a pillow and a glass of water by side, I realized they had forgotten something: a trash can. Dimitri sat on the couch next to me, laying a hand protectively on my injured ankle. I turned to Adrian, who had the misfortune to be sitting on the floor next to my head. He looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to speak. Unfortunately for him, I did open my mouth.

"Sorry." With that, I threw up all over his shirt.

"Really, Rose?" came Dimitri's voice from the end of the couch. "Was that necessary?"

I simply groaned in response. Adrian was unfazed. "It all comes out in the wash." I suppose if anyone would know, it was Adrian Ivashkov, our resident drunkard. "Are you done?" He seemed to decide from the look on my face that I was not. "Can you carry her to the bathroom?" he asked Dimitri. "I need to take off this shirt, and if I carry her, that might be a bit-"

"I've got her," said Dimitri through clenched teeth. He deposited me on the bathroom floor. Adrian came in a minute later wearing a clean shirt and Dimitri left to make up a bed on the sofa for him and I. It was Adrian's apartment, but I suspected Dimitri wanted nothing to do with me at this point. Adrian had to be a bit more sympathetic, seeing as he spent many of his nights the same way.

"Ah, little dhampir," he murmured, sweeping my hair out of my face and holding it behind my head. "Never a dull moment with you. Do you ever _not_ make a grand entrance?"

In my mind, I was transported back to the time I ripped off the charmed bracelet that disclosed my identity, back in the day when I was falsely charged with high treason, prompting a swarm of guardians to close in on me. After all I had done for the guardians and the Moroi world, they thought I was a murderer. _Well, you are._ The voice slipped into my mind again. _Just not in the way they believed. _I leaned over and threw up again.

"Shhh," said Adrian soothingly. I wiped my mouth and leaned back against his chest. "Careful, little dhampir." He gently eased me back into a sitting position so that we weren't touching. "Hey, Belikov?" he called. "Can you come hold her?"

Dimitri rushed into the bathroom and sat on the floor. I curled into him. I didn't care who held me, as long as someone did.

"Hey, um, so…" Adrian began, speaking with none of his usual smoothness. "You can't both fit on the couch comfortably, so I was thinking… maybe you should take my bed for tonight, and I'll sleep on the couch."

Whoa. That would be awkward. But Dimitri graciously accepted the offer. He and Adrian cajoled me into taking a quick shower, then Dimitri dressed me in a t-shirt and shorts of Adrian's and placed me in Adrian's bed. The day truly could not get any weirder. Thankfully, it seemed to be over.

"You're mad," I told Dimitri, laying in the dark next to him, no longer touching.

"Go to sleep, Rose. We'll talk about it in the morning."

But we didn't. I awoke to the smell of pancakes, eggs, and bacon. I ravenously devoured everything in sight. Dimitri hovered over me, continually refilling my plate and periodically rubbing my back. At first, I stiffened at his touch, assuming we could not ignore the previous night's events. But for Dimitri, Adrian, and myself, the morning was full of nothing but good food and laughter. If there is one thing I'm learning from my life lately, it is that anything heavy can become light as long as you never try to lift it.

I hoped that Dimitri would be living in a hotel during his time in Palm Springs. My mind had created visions of us pressed up against each other between the soft sheets of a plush bed. I had a very nice bed of my own, living in a suite in the queen's palace at Court, but I was always alone in mine. In my daydreams, Dimitri and I ordered room service after a long afternoon of doing anything we wanted with each other. Then we would drift happily to sleep, naked in each other's arms.

But it was not meant to be. Before we left Adrian's apartment, I casually asked Dimitri where he was living, and he explained that he had a room at a paranoid, elderly Moroi man's estate. My eyes narrowed and Adrian snickered, fully aware of why this was a problem. I shot him a warning look.

"So we have to sneak around and hook up like a couple of teenagers?" I asked Dimitri indignantly.

"You two have plenty of practice with that," Adrian pointed out.

"Oh, shut up. Seriously, Dimitri?"

"Relax, Rose. Clarence probably won't even notice you're in the house. We can put a chair under the door handle if that makes you feel better."

"Your door doesn't _lock_?"

"It's an old house." He shrugged. "We'll be fine. Unless you want to park my car somewhere…"

"Yes, because that just screams 'mature adult relationship'," Adrian commented. "Speaking of screaming—"

"Okay, that's enough," I said hotly. "Adrian, thank you for your hospitality, but it's really time for us to go."

"My pleasure, little dhampir." He paused. "Speaking of pleasure…"

"Oh, for god's sake, Adrian!"

I took Dimitri's hand. He looked mildly concerned by mine and Adrian's banter. For me, despite all of my protests, Adrian's commentary was a return to our normal, friendly relationship. _Maybe he really has moved on_, I thought. _As he should. He has his faults, but he deserves better than me. He has never been a monster, not like Dimitri and I have been. _

Dimitri and I made it to Clarence's house uneventfully. When he took my hand at the foot of the stairs, he grinned and put a finger to his lips, gesturing for me to stay quiet. It was completely unnecessary, but adorable. We dropped all pretense of cuteness when he shut the door behind us. So much for wedging a chair under the doorknob to prevent anyone from opening it. We had been away from each other for far too long. He pushed me onto his twin size bed, my hair flowing over the edge. I was desperate for him to get right to business, but still relished every moment he spent kissing me and undressing me, sliding his hands up my back and taking my t-shirt with them. He straddled me, holding onto my hipbones and slowly kissing my neck, moving downwards. I heard the front door of the house open and close.

"Ignore it," he whispered. "Clarence won't come upstairs."

He didn't have to tell me twice. Nothing in the world mattered except his body against mine. I rolled to the left, pulling him with me. He took my lead and lay flat on the bed, allowing me to kiss his neck. My hands found the button of his jeans all on their own.

"Hey, Dimitri! We went to the grocery store!" sang a familiar voice, accompanied by a knock on the door that was entirely pointless, seeing as the door was already opening. "Guess what— oh my god! Oh! I am so sorry!" Most people would have turned away at that point, but Jillian Mastrano Dragomir was not most people. She simply backed up against the wall and looked mortified.

Dimitri rolled off of me and I pushed myself up on my elbows. I really do have terrible luck.

"Hey, Jailbait," I said glumly. The playful nickname seemed awkward in that moment. At least I was still wearing a bra, and only our shirts had been thrown to the floor. "Nice to see you."

"Y—you too, Rose!" she stammered. "And I am so sorry. Wow. This is awkward. Um, we got popsicles. All different flavors. If you guys want them, they're in the freezer!" Jill pivoted and ran out the door and down the stairs.

"She really could have at least closed the door behind her," I said, my voice full of defeat.

"That would have been helpful," Dimitri agreed. After a long pause, I started laughing, and he followed suit. Wordlessly, he jumped up, slammed the door with far more force than was necessary, wedged his desk chair under it, and leapt on top of me. This time, we were not quite so patient.

After a day filled with a delicious breakfast, quality time with Dimitri, and a cherry popsicle (which was, admittedly, quite good) after dinner, I should have known that my luck was running out. I awoke the next day after only a few hours of restless sleep, not because Dimitri and I were busy all night but just because his bed was too damn small. When Adrian sent me a text saying that we needed to talk, I was not really in the mood.

I settled down at a table outside Spencer's, the coffee shop in town, with an iced chai tea and an admittedly handsome ex-boyfriend. Our meeting, according to Adrian, was actually Dimitri's idea. That's how I knew I was in trouble.

"Look, Rose," he began after very little small talk. "You've hurt a lot of people in your life. We've been through this. But what's hardest to watch is the way you treat yourself these days."

I opened my mouth to protest, but he stopped me.

"I'm not talking about the other night. Had that been an isolated incident, it would be perfectly fine. In fact, I thought you were quite charming, aside from the yelling and the part where you puked on my shirt."

I cringed.

"Rose, it's really not a big deal. But this isn't a one-time thing for you. Do you think Belikov doesn't know what goes on at Court? He knows you don't call him when you're sober. And that you're nearly always alone when you're off-duty. Rose, I don't know what kind of a hole you've dug for yourself and crawled into, but you need to claw your way back out. You're better than this."

"You're one to talk," I snapped.

"Exactly," he agreed. "I am. I've been down this road, and let me tell you now, it doesn't fix a single fucking thing. Whatever demons you're fighting, whatever burdens you're carrying, you can't drown them. And for heaven's sake, stop making Belikov sad, because I'm tired of hearing about it from him."

I ignored the last part entirely and stared him down. "Are you done yet? I didn't peg you for the 'Zen life lessons' type."

"Yes. I'm done. I'm not here to lecture you. Dimitri could have done that himself. He wanted me to talk to you because I _can't_ lecture, not without being a total hypocrite. I'm just telling you that the way I live is hardly living at all."

We looked into each other's eyes with the same intensity we used to show during those spirit dreams that I took for granted at the time. It struck me suddenly that I missed Adrian. The connection between us had never been one of love, and now it wasn't even about sex. For how badly I hurt Adrian, he moved on surprisingly quickly. I wondered if there was anyone new in his life.

"Fine," I said, and his face visibly relaxed. "Can you at least tell me where Sydney is? I haven't been able to get in touch with her. I know she's still here. She and Jill and Eddie are still Amberwood students for the next few weeks, right? When they supposedly "transfer schools" and go back to Court or St. Vladimir's?"

"Right," he said.

"So how is she?" I prompted. "I have dinner plans with Eddie, and Jill has certainly seen enough of me, but Sydney isn't answering her phone. Is she mad at me for something? What's going on?"

A shadow cast over Adrian's eyes. "No. She's not mad. She's—it's complicated, Rose. But she's not mad, and you'll see her soon enough. Not on this trip, but soon enough." I thought back to the conversation with my mother, the one I had pushed to the back of my mind. Sydney won't see me. I'm working at St. Vladimir's. Everyone seems to know something about my life that I don't, and if there's one thing I have always hated, it's being kept in the dark.


	4. Chapter 3: Welcome to the Ranks

_**Chapter 3: Welcome to the Ranks**_

I found myself waiting, once again, outside an airport, this time in Missoula, Montana. I guess the Academy shouldn't spring for a private jet for just one guardian who is fully capable of caring for herself, but I was still miffed. At least they had given me money for the bus and, unintentionally, time to fully sober up before speaking with them. Really, I'm not too high-maintenance. I settled into a seat with my iPod and soaked up the scenery, remembering just how beautiful Montana really is. Because flights run on a daytime schedule in the human world, I had been awake for a long time, but I was too nervous and edgy to doze on the bus. By the time we reached St. Vladimir's two hours later, around 9:00 pm, I was still on alert.

I reported to Guardian Alberta Petrova's office as soon as I got through the Academy's gates, feeling like I was still a student and somehow in trouble for something. Alberta, however, greeted me warmly. I had always liked her, despite our differences. It was still strange to be considered her equal, but nice. Only now, I suppose she is my boss.

"So, what exactly am I doing here?" I asked after several minutes of small talk. "I understand that I'm taking over some classes, but I have to ask—why me? My mom didn't give me much of an answer on that."

"Well, we're starting a new program here," she began. "One that has been kept under wraps. I even asked Queen Vasilisa not to tell you about it in advance. Please forgive her for that, Rose. It was the right thing to do. The program is only in its initial stages and bound to be controversial. We have a select group of teenage humans—Alchemists, actually— who want to attend St. Vladimir's and learn to fight alongside the dhampir novices. Obviously, the dhampirs will still be assigned to royal Moroi upon graduation, but having human guardians could give more non-royal Moroi access to guardians. It's a partial solution to the guardian shortage."

I stared at her. I was all for innovative solutions, but this was just strange. "And the Alchemists are okay with this?"

Her expression hardened. "Well, no. That's why we have so few volunteers in the pilot program. The Alchemists haven't disowned them, exactly, but let's just say they are not pleased."

My stomach lurched as I thought of Sydney, my dear friend who risked her precious reputation to help me in this crazy life of mine. My heart went out to these humans, who probably felt as conflicted as Sydney did. "So where do I come in?"

Alberta's face relaxed into a smile again. "You'll be their mentor. You will actually be teaching only two classes, and the other guardians will take many of your security shifts. You'll still be busy, but it will be exciting and important work. This is an honor, Rose."

I wished people would stop saying that, but I had to admit that I was a bit excited by this prospect. In addition to being the love of my life, Dimitri truly had been a great mentor for me. I hoped I could follow in his footsteps—without sleeping with my students, of course. "So when do I get to meet them?"

Alberta was clearly relieved that I had taken the news so well. "One of them, you already have. You will be teaching Miss Sydney Sage."

My jaw dropped. "_Sydney_? Don't get me wrong, Sydney is wonderful and brilliant and talented, but as a guardian? Are we talking about the same girl? She's tiny. Physical confrontation isn't her thing. How does she expect to get through this?"

"Ask her yourself."

I whirled around. Sydney stood in the doorway, grinning. "Hey, Rose."

My lightning-fast guardian reflexes did not prepare me for situations like this. "Sydney! I didn't mean—"

She waved my concerns away. "It's fine. I think I'm crazy for trying this too. Good thing you and I have a long history of crazy missions." She crossed the room to hug me, and for the first time, I really looked at her. She looked as polished as ever in khaki pants, a deep purple blouse, and a black cardigan. Her trademark gold cross necklace drew my eye to her visible sternum. When I wrapped my arms around her, I felt as though I would break her with a gentle squeeze. The girl wore great concealer as always, but I could see a faint outline of dark circles under her eyes. I wanted to tell her that she didn't have to hide her obvious signs of stress, that she was safe here with me. Then again, I wasn't about to admit to the headache that was making itself at home in my newly sober brain.

After Sydney left to begin her day, I stayed behind in Alberta's office to finish some paperwork. She handed me the key to a suite in guest housing, which was just fine with me. I wanted to think of this position as a very temporary one, and the idea of myself as an instructor made me shiver. So did the bitter Montana autumn, as I crossed the campus lugging my two suitcases to guest housing. Whispers followed me as students stopped and stared. I had no doubt that they knew—or believed they knew—all about me. It was like I was returning from Portland with Lissa all over again. I just wanted to sleep.

I dropped my luggage on the floor of my guest suite unceremoniously. Unearthing a bottle of pinot noir from one of the suitcases, I poured some into a glass tumbler I found on the dresser. I flopped onto the bed, knowing I should be up and moving around to get myself accustomed to a nighttime schedule again, but I had no desire to leave my room. Alcohol, thankfully, always has an energizing effect on me. It makes no sense, but then again, nothing makes sense in my mind these days.

I only had two days to prepare for my new teaching job. One of my new classes, Advanced Guardian Combat Techniques, would be relatively simple. Physical sparring was what I did best (although I quite enjoyed verbal sparring as well), and senior novices took turns leading their peers through training exercises anyway. My other assignment—Bodyguard Theory and Personal Protection 3—was one that had given me trouble when I was a student, and I was sure it would be a bitch to teach as well. I had Taryn Holden's lesson plans and, obviously, plenty of experience in the real world, but I was unusually nervous about teaching this class. I couldn't shake the humiliating feeling of the last time I stood in front of a Theory 3 class—the day Lissa and I were dragged back to the Academy. Defiant though I was at the time, I can now admit that Stan Alto, my old instructor, was right. I _had _been underprepared. Lissa was alive because we got lucky. All the raw talent in the world couldn't compensate for a lack of training.

"But now I know better," I told Dimitri over the phone that night, in what I hoped was a steady, confident voice. "Maybe I can teach these crazy kids a thing or two."

Dimitri laughed. "Roza, please don't try to sound like a real teacher ever again."

"Hey!" I protested. "I know what I'm talking about."

"Yes, you do," he agreed proudly. I could hear him slipping back into his old role as my mentor. "You'll be great tomorrow. Get some sleep, okay? Some quality sleep."

Guiltily, I set my wine glass down on the nightstand, hoping he couldn't hear the clink through the phone as it hit my alarm clock. "I will," I promised. "I should go. I love you."

"Love you too. Good luck tomorrow, not that you need it."

We said goodnight and I hung up the phone. Training sessions with the human novices weren't set to begin until Wednesday, so I didn't have to teach until 8:00 pm. Still, it had been awhile since I had to put in a full day's work, and although the sun had only been up for a few hours, I crashed. I fell asleep quickly, easily, and peacefully.

_Author's Note__: The song Rose is listening to on the bus is "Secrets on Our Lips" by Astronautalis. It's what I would listen to on a bus ride through rural Montana, and it always reminds me of her and Dimitri. The next chapter will be longer. We get to see Rose as a teacher and meet her newest challenge in life! _


	5. Chapter 4: Angels Fall, Rose

_**Chapter 4: Angels Fall, Rose**_

"Nice one!" I exclaimed, approaching two of my new students. Brooke Afanasyeva, a tall dhampir with fierce green eyes that reminded me of Lissa's, had just thrown a truly impressive right hook. I guided her partner, Alexander Clay, through the proper blocking technique. Brooke and Alex hung onto my every word, nodding solemnly throughout my instruction. I was so pleased with my first class. They looked starstruck just to be around Rose Hathaway, just like my own classmates when my mother visited the Academy last year. Guiltily, I remembered giving my mother a hard time and mouthing off to her in Stan's class. _Sorry, Mom_, I thought to myself. _I didn't know better_. There I went again, sounding like I thought of myself as old and wise, which I certainly don't. At least I really am a kickass guardian. I've never denied that one.

Brooke and Alex resumed their exercise, and I started making the rounds, getting to know my students. Watching them fight gave me far more insight into their personalities than any conversation could. Justin O'Reilly, a lean, redheaded dhampir, was getting pretty beat up by Grant Ivanov. Grant was just an average fighter, but he could easily read Justin's facial expressions and anticipate his every move. I made a mental note to pair Grant with Aria Shevchenko, a small but muscular girl with a great poker face who would force him to improve his physical skills. Between her physique and her attitude, she reminded me of my mother, but her partner Elijah Kabinov was holding strong.

Having fought Dimitri countless times when I was a student, I could easily recognize sexual tension in a simple sparring exercise. I smiled at Haley Morena and Dominic Addison. As long as they weren't afraid of hurting each other—which they clearly were not—I saw no problem. Haley's twin, Heath, was perfectly matched in skill with his sparring partner, Wesley McCormick. I watched them fight, admiring the precision of their technique.

"Alright, shower time," I called out to my class. "I'm really impressed with you guys, and that means a lot coming from me." Their awestruck faces showed that they knew it to be true. "I'll see you tomorrow morning. Clay, put some ice on that shoulder soon, okay?" He nodded. "Class dismissed."

_Not bad, Hathaway_. I mentally patted myself on the back. _Fighting, teaching, witty banter—is there anything you can't do? _Little did I know, I was about to find out.

The ten students in my Advanced Guardian Combat Techniques class were only a fraction of the senior novice class. Standing in front of the thirty-two teenagers enrolled in my Bodyguard Theory and Personal Protection 3 class, I felt a lump in my throat. Luckily for me, the class quieted down quickly, eager to hear what I had to say. I was happy to see Alex Clay holding a bag of ice to his left shoulder like I had instructed him to do. Hey, I'm still in awe whenever anyone takes my advice seriously. You would think they would, seeing as I'm always right, but I do tend to take the roundabout way to truth and wisdom. Sometimes, for example, I get arrested for high treason along the way.

I took a deep breath and addressed my class. "I'm Guardian Hathaway," I began. "And I'll be taking over for Guardian Holden this semester. I know I'm not the type of instructor you're used to. Yes, I am 18 years old, just like many of you are. But—" I turned around and swept my hair away from my neck so that my class could see my _molnija_ marks. God, I hoped they weren't just staring at my ass. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea. I pivoted to face them again. "—I've gotten around. When I was a senior novice, I thought I was as good as a guardian. I was wrong. Until you've passed your exams and your field experience, you need to listen to every bit of knowledge your instructors share with you. _Everything_. Be confident in your skills. I had the pleasure of meeting many of you this morning, and I think that you're a great class. But don't fool yourself into thinking you know it all. Got it?" Some of my class nodded. Some just looked terrified. Inwardly, I breathed a sign of relief.

"Yeah, you've been around," drawled a girl in the front row. I hadn't noticed her smug expression. She tossed her long, straight, blonde hair over her shoulder dramatically, fixating her steely blue eyes on my brown ones. "We've all heard the stories. You have more black marks on your record than all of us combined. Oh, and you fucked a teacher."

Many of her classmates gasped dramatically. Alex Clay dropped his bag of ice in shock and scrambled to pick it up. In the back row, Heath Morena's forehead hit his outstretched palm, as if he had expected this to happen. The girl in front of him hugged her knees to her chest. The students nearest the tinted windows took a sudden interest in whatever they were pretending to see in the pitch-black outdoors, and several pairs of eyes nervously glanced at the door as if they were ready to make a run for it.

And me? My cheeks flushed and my spine tingled. I didn't know whether to be outraged, mortified, or simply shocked. I guess I was all of the above. It's difficult to catch Rosemarie Hathaway off-guard, but this little shit had done it.

"What's your name?" I barked. It was stupid, but it was all I had.

"Polina," she said, tracing a pattern on her desk with an unacceptably long, manicured fingernail. Those nails would scratch a training partner horribly, but then again, I doubted she trained much at all. "Polina Kachusova. Was he hot, at least?"

"Detention, Kachusova," I spat. "5:00. Meet me in this classroom." _Shit_, I thought. _I don't know what to make her do during detention, _and _I scheduled it during dinnertime. _"In the meantime, you can go to Headmistress Kirova's office and share your pressing questions with her."

"A student can't ask a question during class?" She cocked her head and stared at me in mock astonishment. "What kind of teacher doesn't allow such things?"

True fury rose inside me.

"_Miss Hathaway. Please take your things and go wait outside for the remainder of class."_

"_Are you serious? Since when is there anything wrong with asking questions?" _

I hated my younger self for giving Stan and my mother such hell that day.

"Go! Now!" I barked, losing my cool.

Polina just shrugged. "Gladly." She picked up her purse, tossed that ridiculous hair again, and strode out of the classroom.

If anything, her absence made everything more painful. I would have almost preferred that my entire class rioted against me. The sympathetic looks they gave me were nearly unbearable. Trying to steady my shaky hands, I picked up the attendance clipboard.

"Brooke Afanasyeva?" I began.

"Here," she nearly whispered.

"Alastair Bryce?"

"Here."

By the time I got to Ian Zaleska, the last name on the list, I felt stronger. No way was I going to let some little brat from hell break me. My first lecture went smoothly. My students were eager to answer questions. I hated their pity but loved their enthusiasm. Throughout the class period, I tried to ignore the fact that I would prefer to face a roomful of Strigoi than face Polina Kachusova at 5:00. Part of me hoped she wouldn't show up.

But at 4:58, she strode in. "So, what'd I miss this morning?" she asked casually, sliding into a desk in the back row. "Seeing as you deprived me of an hour of my education and all."

"Get the notes from a classmate, if you can find one who is willing to share," I suggested. I was not about to lose my temper. "As for your education, you deprive yourself when you waste everyone's time."

She didn't acknowledge my answer at all. "So, what horrible torture do you have planned for my detention? Kirova already suspended me for the rest of the week. Really, five days of my education are gone, thanks to you."

"Then you have plenty of time for work. You'll be here at 5:00 every day this week, and you'll do whatever I want you to do. Today, you're washing desks."

She gave me an incredulous look. "Seriously? That's the best the great Rose Hathaway can do? Wow. You're really overrated, aren't you? This is kind of a letdown." But when I gestured toward the bucket of soapy water sitting on my desk, she strode over to it and began washing the desks without further argument.

Covertly, I studied her. She really was gorgeous, and not just because of the great hair, clear skin, and designer jeans. Polina was thin, but she was ripped. She hid it well, but the girl was all muscle. She was approximately my height, five foot seven, and built more like a boy. I had a good eye for potential guardians, and I could tell just by the way she washed desks that she would be beautiful in battle. She moved quickly, but with precision and certainty.

Apparently, she had some guardian instincts too. She must have caught my glances in her peripheral vision, or perhaps she just sensed my eyes on her. "Are you into me or something? I didn't know you played for both teams, seeing as your mentor or lover or whatever was a guy, but you keep staring at me."

I snapped out of it. "I'm staring at the desk, not you. You missed a spot. You're supposed to scrub the desks, not wipe them down."

"Bullshit. I am scrubbing, and you know it. I think you see something you like."

I gulped. The last time I heard those words, they were from my own mouth.

"_You see something you like?"_

"_Get dressed." _

If I didn't know better, I would say I had just met my younger self. _An obnoxious, arrogant dhampir girl with raw talent and no manners? _The voice was back. _Sound familiar, Rose? _Polina may be perfectly content to stay in detention forever, but I could hardly wait for it to end.

While she washed the desks in silence, I scribbled out a summary of the week's assignments and handed it to her before she left. "Here," I said briskly. "Read these chapters. You'll miss class discussion, but they'll be on the exam. Know them. I expect you to keep up with your other coursework too. Don't spend this week of suspension just hanging out with your friends."

She gave me a wry smile. "You assume I have friends."

If I didn't know better, I would have sworn that Polina Kachusova had just admitted to a weakness.

"But she _seems_ like she'd be popular," I babbled to Dimitri that night, drunk off my ass. "You know, she's one of the pretty girls. Not that I'd see her like that, although she thinks I do. But really, she's more concerned about me and you. Oh god, does she picture me naked? She doesn't know what you look like. She asked if you were hot. Don't worry, I didn't answer. You are, though. You know that. I miss you." I stopped to catch my breath. "I love the other kids. Seriously. You should see them fight. Aria, she reminds me a bit of my mom. Watching Wesley and Heath is like watching me and you; they're so in sync. Well, without the sexual tension, anyway. That would be Haley and Dominic. It's a wonder they can focus on fighting instead of tearing each other's clothes off. The look in their eyes, seriously. It's kind of adorable. None of them are like us, of course, but they're good kids. They could be great ones."

"Roza," Dimitri said, patient as ever. "Listen to yourself. You love this job. Don't let one bad apple ruin the other thirty-one. You won't even have her in class again until Monday, and by then, she will have calmed down. You'll have calmed down too. It will all be okay."

I wanted to cry, but I held back. "Did I give you this much hell?" My voice cracked.

"No. Never," he said firmly. "You were my wild child, not my curse. You were my prodigy, my purpose, and my greatest blessing at that school. And now you are the greatest blessing of my entire life. You were anything, _anything_ but a problem. You were… misunderstood, sometimes, but certainly not evil."

I thought back to Polina's suggestion that she had no friends. I still hated her, but I couldn't help but wonder if maybe she was a bit misunderstood too. 

_Author's Note: Thanks for sticking with me through chapter 4! If even one reader is enjoying this, I am happy to keep writing. It feels great just to play around with words and ideas again. I hope you like Polina. Well, maybe "like" is the wrong word. Next up: Remember those human novices? Training starts on Wednesday, also known as Chapter 5. _

_The two quotes in this chapter from __Vampire Academy__ and __Frostbite__ (books 1 and 2) belong to Richelle Mead. The title of the chapter is from __Spirit Bound__, and the title of the previous chapter ("Welcome to the Ranks") is from __Frostbite__. _


	6. Chapter 5: Repetitive Motion

_**Chapter 5: Repetitive Motion**_

"There are very few legitimate excuses for missing practice. I will be the judge of those. Freezing cold weather? Get used to it. You live in Montana now. Your leg is broken? That's an opportunity to focus on upper body strength." I strode back and forth, hands clasped behind my back. I had the four human novices lined up against the gym wall for dramatic effect. They stared back at me, petrified. Maybe I had gone a bit overboard with intimidation after the Polina incident.

"Speaking of injury," I continued. "Your risk is high. Humans—no offense—are usually not as sturdily built as dhampirs are. But that is no excuse to hold back when you fight each other. As long as you follow my instructions, you won't hurt each other beyond some minor bumps and bruises. You're not yet strong enough to do any real damage anyway.

"I've seen plenty of injuries develop outside of battle. We throw kicks and punches every day. We move our bodies in ways they are not necessarily meant to move. You absolutely _must_ pay attention to your technique. If you swing your shoulder incorrectly whenever you throw a punch, day after day, you'll end up with tendonitis in your rotator cuff. Twist incorrectly when you kick? That's a hip flexor strain waiting to happen. Repetitive motion, people. I don't care how strong you are; if you hurt yourself every day, you _will _break down eventually. Nobody is invincible." _Not even you, Rose, _the voice intruded. It was a new and disturbing thought for me. I filed it away to think about later, or maybe to drink about later. "Don't make excuses, but do listen to your body, and do communicate with me. Okay?"

They stared at me, perhaps waiting for permission to speak. I just answered for them. "Okay. I hope you're all wearing good shoes, because today we're heading out to the track."

I didn't think they could look more scared than they already did, but apparently I was wrong. "I'll run with you," I offered. That didn't seem to make them feel better. Whatever. Making them feel better wasn't my job. I wanted nothing more, however, than to hug Sydney. I couldn't give her special treatment, but it was hard to see my friend feel so afraid and to be unable to comfort her.

"Guardian Hathaway?" The one male novice in the group spoke up tentatively as we all walked to the track. "Are we going to… fight, today?"

I looked over at him. 17-year-old Zachariah Novakovic had dark brown hair and an olive complexion much like my own. He was a bit thinner than I would have liked a novice to be, but I was sure he could bulk up during our training.

I gave him a genuine smile. "Never underestimate the importance of running." And those humans, bless their hearts, trusted me completely.

Ten minutes later, it became clear that this was going to be a struggle. Anna Lindholm, a blonde 16-year-old with a body like a Moroi, lagged behind. I was frustrated by how miserable she looked compared to how softly she was breathing. Anna may have believed that she was making a good effort, but I expected better. I wanted hearts racing, lungs burning, and muscles aching. Elodie McCarthy, also 16, was only a few paces in front of Anna. She was much shorter than Anna, with a striking combination of hazel eyes and reddish brown hair. Elodie was also quite skinny. I wondered what these people thought a guardian was supposed to look like and what kind of "preparation" for this program they had done by themselves.

I gave Zach and Sydney permission to break away from the other two. Sydney was lovely in motion, like a gazelle. I hoped that grace would translate into her training, though I suspected it would not be so simple. For the rest of the workout, I tried to gently coax Elodie and Anna into putting forth more effort, but I was at a loss. They truly believed they were trying. By the time morning practice was over, we were all frustrated.

Back in the gym, we all did some cool-down stretches while I talked to them. "Okay," I began, taking a deep breath and reminding myself that it was only day one. "That was a decent start. I won't lie to you and say it was great. My expectations for you are high, and they will only get higher. Get used to it. I'll see you back here this afternoon and we'll work on some very basic combat techniques. In the meantime, I need you to eat a solid lunch. I mean it. You don't need to go crazy, but you do need some nourishment. Okay?"

They stared blankly. I sighed. "Alright. Get going. And remember what I said about lunch!" I looked pointedly at Sydney. _You are no exception to that rule,_ I told her silently. _It was mostly created for you. _

It was the middle of the week, and nearing midterms. My dhampir novices were a little sluggish too. "Miss Morena! Mr. Addison!" I barked at Haley and Dominic, who were chatting during warm-up. "Either get to work or find new partners." It worked like a charm. I half-wished all of them were secretly in love with each other.

By the end of practice, I mostly wished I didn't have to deal with them again for a good month or so. Several appeared unfocused and sloppy. "Watch your form, Ivanov!" I chastised Grant, who was getting his ass handed to him by Aria. "There's no reason you should be backing away from her like that. Block her properly and you'll be fine. I'm sure your ribcage and your ego are both a little sore right now, but you can't shy away like that."

I pretended I didn't hear the not-so-kind words he mumbled about me. After all, I had been a bit harsh. I was pushing them harder than any instructor ever had. After only two days, it was clear that they were out of shape by my standards. I remembered wanting to hate Dimitri when I began training with him, and resolved to be a little more patient without relaxing my standards. I forced a smile and a little pep talk after class. They looked like they wanted to murder me before limping to the locker rooms. I didn't take it personally.

Time limped along too, with Wednesday and Thursday giving me their fair share of hell. Polina was still insufferable whenever she opened her mouth. Thankfully, that was rare. I only saw her for two hours a day in detention, and when she ran out of nasty things to say to me, she stopped saying anything at all. I worked on grading while she completed whatever menial tasks I gave her. To her credit, she did them well. Polina Kachusova is not one to half-ass anything. When she actually sets out to do something, she works fiercely and intensely. I couldn't help but be fascinated by her. The human novices, on the other hand, were still failing to impress me. Fighting came even less naturally to them than running did. I wanted to add an hour of weight training to their afternoon practice, but I already had to let them out five minutes early so I could race across campus for Polina's detentions. Plus, I didn't want them skipping dinner. Or quitting the program.

On Friday, everyone seemed to have renewed energy. "Come on, Lindholm!" I yelled to Anna, who was picking up the pace for the last 100 meters of our morning run. Sydney high-fived her as she crossed the finish line, and her other classmates cheered. Well, Elodie was still bent over with her hands on her knees and her back to us, but that was excusable. Anna beamed, face flushed and hair tousled. In Theory class, Gabriel Ionescu and Justin O'Reilly gave a top-of-the-line demonstration of Carnegie's Quadrant Surveillance Method. My joy was slightly undercut by the fact that it was my last Polina-free class period, and I would be in hell again on Monday.

Scratch that. I would be in hell again at 5:00.

"So what kind of stupid bullshit do you have me doing today?" She stormed in the room with more gusto than usual and faced me with her hands on her hips.

"Watch it, Kachusova," I warned. "Let's not make this final day any harder than it has to be."

"Why?" she challenged. "What are you going to do? Send me back to Kirova? I'll be in class on Monday, you know. They can't expel me. I haven't really hurt you. _Yet_."

I couldn't help myself. I laughed. "Are you threatening me? Are you actually _threatening_ me?" She reminded me of the pretty Moroi girls in my high school classes who thought they could mess with me. Maybe this little bitch got away with treating her classmates and other instructors this way, but I wouldn't have it. Come to think of it, though, I'm pretty sure she wasn't like this with everyone.

"Maybe I am!" she said hotly. "They can't kick me out. They can't." For a moment, her voice was quieter, almost desperate. The moment was short-lived. "We'll see how your creepy older boyfriend likes your pretty little face after I'm done with—"

Before she knew what was happening, I had crossed the room and thrown her up against the wall, pinning her by her wrists, my elbow ready to dig into her throat if necessary. "You were saying?" I prompted.

She stared back at me, wide-eyed. For a moment, I had caught her off-guard. Again, it was only a moment. "You can't do this!" she shrieked. "I'm a student! You can't hurt me! Let go of me, you psycho bitch! Somebody, help!"

I laughed again. "Well, unfortunately for you, I don't have a strong grasp of student/teacher boundaries. Isn't that right?" _What a little drama queen_, I thought. Polina could have broken free of my hold if she wanted to. She was breathing heavily now, even though I had never moved in to touch her throat. She started shaking too.

"Stop!" she choked. I stared. I was only holding her wrists. Was this some sort of ploy? Cautiously, I released my grip, knowing I could still grab her again if necessary. Polina sunk to the ground, sobbing.

"Polina?" I immediately crouched down to her level. "Talk to me. What's going on?"

She just covered her face and sobbed even harder. I glanced nervously at the door, careful not to lay a hand on her. "Okay. It's okay," I said, in what I hoped was a soothing voice. "I'm just going to close the door so you can have some privacy." As I pushed off the ground, I felt her hand clench around my wrist, and I whirled around, ready to strike her if she tried anything.

"Don't go," she cried, releasing my wrist.

I was dumbfounded. "I won't. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to close the door, and I'm coming right back. Okay?"

She nodded. I quickly shut the door and sat on the floor next to her again.

"They're going to send me back," she whispered. "If I get in any more trouble, or refuse to participate in any more classes, Kirova will kick me out and send me home. I can't go back there. I can't let them hurt me again. I know I deserve it. I know I'm bad and disgusting and deserve the pain, but I can't handle it anymore, Rose. I can't."

I stared at her. "Nobody is kicking you out of school," I began. "Because from this moment on, you will never give them any reason to."

She stared at me, transfixed, and my voice grew stronger.

"And nobody is ever going to hurt you again either. I don't know what happened, but I know you didn't deserve it. You want to end it? Fight back. You have people on your side, Polina. You need to trust us and do what we tell you to do." I regarded her carefully. "On the first day of detention, when you thought I was watching you? I was. But not for the reasons you think. I was watching you because you are a strong, beautiful dhampir with so much potential. You don't know your own strength. You don't see your potential like I do."

"Can you teach me?" she whispered. "I know I'm behind in my classes, but so were you, right? When you came back from Portland?"

Wow. She actually did know my life story. I sighed. "Yes. I was behind. But I had a stronger foundation than you do. And I cared."

"I care too," she said ferociously. "And it's not just about me. There's a Moroi I want to protect, more than anything in the world. _Anything._ But I'm not strong like you. I'm not—"

"Stop it," I commanded. "You're afraid? Fine. We all are."

"You're not afraid of anything," she said. It sounded as ridiculous as when I said it to Dimitri last year.

"I am," I insisted. "I'm afraid of many things. But I fight for the people I love."

"Teach me," she said. "Please. Whatever you want me to do, I'll do."

"I don't know if you understand what you're asking," I told her. "In addition to fully participating in your guardian classes, you will need to attend extra training sessions. These will not be private lessons. You will join a group of four human novices. Yes, humans. I hardly have time for them as it is. We start at 7:00 sharp. Be in the gym at 6:45. Afternoon practice starts at 3 and ends when I say it does. You will participate in all activities, and you will not complain. Do you understand?"

She nodded, intensity building behind those fierce blue eyes.

"We train five days a week, but you and I will start tomorrow morning. Saturday. Think of it as a continuation of your detention, seeing as you didn't really serve today's. Meet me at the track at 8:00 tomorrow. Bring your running shoes. Don't be late."

Like her first detention, I half-expected her not to show up. But she was on time, quiet, and ready to run. Watching her stride across the track, I couldn't help but swell with pride. I was right. Polina Kachusova was a natural.

_Author's Note__: Love Adrian? Miss Adrian? Want to read all about Sydney and Adrian? The next chapter will be from Sydney's point of view. As always, reviews would be much appreciated! I don't want to do the whole "the more reviews I get, the faster I write" thing, but I'm only human. Of course encouragement is going to help! _


	7. Chapter 6: Intrusion

_**Chapter 6: Intrusion**_

If Rose Hathaway can't learn to be patient, she should at least learn to fake it. She was ferociously grumpy at Monday morning's practice. She kept turning away and massaging her temples when she thought we weren't looking. At least she wasn't yelling as much as usual, probably because she looked like she was going to get sick if she tried to raise her voice. I wondered what was wrong with her. My concern for her, however, was overshadowed by annoyance. Rose had shown up this morning with a dhampir, Polina Kachusova, and been very vague about her reasons for doing so. Rumor had it that those two hated each other.

Polina was muscular like a dhampir, but tall and thin like a Moroi. The result was a long, lean look that made me instantly hate her. She hardly spoke to any of us, but I didn't get the impression that she was arrogant. Studying her face as much as I could, I only saw determination and a shadow of sadness. I was no longer the fastest runner in the class, now that she had arrived, but I was close. Watching her legs in motion, skinny little legs that were covered only by skintight yoga pants, I resolved to skip my usual breakfast of half of a yogurt—or at least cut down to a more reasonable portion of one fourth. Another reason to hate Rose: her training program made me seriously hungry.

To my surprise, Rose joined me and only me for my last lap around the track. Polina finished her workout and Rose ignored her entirely.

"Sydney Sage," Rose remarked thoughtfully as she fell in step next to me.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Join me for lunch today, okay? 12:00 in the cafeteria." Before I could decline the invitation, she continued. "If you have other plans, you can feel free to cancel them. This is part of your training program. Any other instructor will excuse you from whatever lunchtime assignment you're about to pretend you have."

She knew me too well. I skipped the yogurt entirely in preparation for lunch with Rose. I had seen Rose's idea of a good lunch, and it was the equivalent of a feast for the rest of us. Well, for me, anyway. My stomach lurched when I remembered that I had practice again that afternoon and would be exercising with a ridiculously full stomach.

My fears, however, were unfounded. In the lunch line, Rose watched me like a hawk, but she didn't try to tell me what to eat. I selected a veggie burger with no bun, hoping that it would appear substantial to Rose. I knew it was only 120 calories, but she probably didn't. I took a banana too. It had approximately 110 calories, way too many for a piece of fruit, but after all, I had skipped breakfast. I could splurge a little. On a whim, I picked up two chicken nuggets as well. Rose raised her eyebrows at me. Maybe it hadn't been such a good idea. In fact, taking only two nuggets probably just made me look weird.

"So how are you doing?" I asked casually, as we slid into our seats. "You're probably pretty stressed out." She did look tired, but thankfully she seemed to be mostly recovered from whatever was wrong with her that morning.

"I'm good!" she exclaimed cheerfully, diving into her mountain of chicken nuggets. "You guys did well this morning, and my dhampir class was good too. Have you met Heath Morena? He was on fire today, seriously. I mean, I feel bad for Elijah, who was his partner. He's probably hurting, but he didn't do anything wrong. Heath was just that great. And I think my Theory class is going to do really well on their quiz this week. They seem to be getting everything." She paused to chew a potato chip. Food was probably the only thing that could trump Rose's love for rambling about her favorite things. I could see how much she loved teaching, and I felt a twinge of guilt for being angry with her during morning practice. To be fair, I wasn't the only one.

"How about you?" she asked, after gulping down half of her water bottle.

I sipped my coffee with one hand and use the other to chop what was left of my veggie burger into increasingly smaller pieces. "I'm doing well, thanks," I said. "I like my classes. My favorite is history, as always, but the guardian classes are pretty cool too. My classmates are so young though! At least they fast-tracked us into the sophomore class. If we stay on top of our independent study work, we can hopefully skip from first semester sophomores to second semester juniors in January. They're trying to make it a two-year program. But we'll all be at least 18 when we graduate."

Rose probably knew all of this information, but things felt a little awkward between us and I didn't want to run out of safe conversation topics. Her eyes kept roaming away from mine and down to my plate. I didn't like it.

"I'm definitely tired," I continued. "And I miss the weather in Palm Springs. Oh, and being on a daytime schedule like a normal human being. That was nice too." I realized I sounded like I was whining and quickly switched directions. "But I am so grateful to be here. It really is a unique and exciting opportunity." I sounded like I was at a job interview.

"Do you miss your family?" she asked. "And the Alchemists?"

I froze. The question was innocent enough, but that was one topic I was _not_ willing to discuss.

"I guess," I said casually. "But I believe this is for the greater good. I'm happy to do my job."

Rose nodded solemnly, as if she had anticipated my answer. "You can take the girl out of the Alchemists, but you can't take the Alchemist out of the girl."

By the end of lunch, she still hadn't mentioned my food intake. Maybe she knew that I was already making an effort by forcing myself to finish everything on my plate. _Or maybe she knows you're actually too fat_, a nasty voice in my head murmured. _Why would she worry about you? There's nothing to worry about. Nothing at all. If anything, she should tell you to stop being such a pig. She's a dhampir. She's allowed to be a size 6 or 8 or whatever. Sydney, you could look like a Moroi if you tried hard enough_. Still, I got the feeling that she was simply observing me and forming some sort of plan.

Sure enough, she ambushed me as we were putting our trays away. "Sydney, I need you to meet me here every Monday and Friday. Same time. And things are going to be a little different from here on out. Remember, you're my friend, but you're also my student. Either way, I'm going to look out for you, whether you like it or not. Okay?"

No, Rose. Not okay. Stop asking everyone if things are "okay" every five minutes.

"Yes," I answered. "Have a good afternoon. I'll see you at practice." I was back in business mode, on guard, and wondering whether I could ever just have a normal friendship without work getting in the way.

I crawled into bed that night with an ice pack, physically and mentally exhausted. Zachariah was making good progress in our sparring exercises. I would have been happy for him if I hadn't had the misfortune of being his partner. I placed the ice pack over the worst of my bruises. Before long, I drifted off to sleep.

My sleep was rudely interrupted when I found myself back in Palm Springs. I was sitting in Spencer's, my favorite coffee shop, but nobody else was there. Nobody, that is, except for a messy-haired boy in black jeans and a sage green t-shirt with an abstract design on the front.

"Adrian!" I exclaimed furiously. "You know how I feel about spirit dreams!"

"Sorry, Sage," he said. "At least I brought you a coffee." Sure enough, a steaming cup of coffee appeared on the table in front of me. No cream, no sugar. Perfection. Spirit dreams did have one perk: We could feel physical sensations. I was ashamed to admit that Adrian and I had had plenty of fun with those sensations, which had nothing to do with the taste of coffee. If a Moroi and a human only kissed in spirit dreams, did they really kiss at all? I hope not.

"Thanks," I said grudgingly, picking up the coffee. He knew the way to my heart.

"So, guess what?" He was bubbling with excitement. "I'm moving back to St. Vladimir's! I could have continued studying at Carlton, but I don't want to live in Palm Springs alone. Or with Clarence. So I'm taking a break from the whole college thing for awhile. Kirova hired me as an assistant teacher for the art classes at St. Vlad's."

"Adrian, that's great!" I exclaimed. Inwardly, my heart sunk. My life doesn't need to be any more complicated than it already is. I don't have time for friends, and even if I did, Adrian and I are not very good at just being friends. Falling out of favor with the Alchemists did terrible things to my sense of values and social norms. I can't believe that my first kiss was with a Moroi—and that I want to do more than just kiss him.

"Aww, Sage, you're sad," he said, clearly not fooled by my smile. "This will be a good thing, I promise—not just for me, but for us."

I gulped. Now there's an "us"?

"We can take things slow," he assured me. "But damn, Sydney Sage, this rebellious ex-Alchemist act of yours really gets me—"

His words were interrupted by my lips.

_Author's Note:_ _Don't worry, I didn't forget that this story is rated M! Expect some decent Sydney/Adrian action coming up soon. Or indecent, depending on how you look at it. ;) I reworked the entire story today, and I'm really excited about everything that will be happening to the characters. There will be approximately 12 more chapters, most of which will be longer and more substantial than this one, and the story should be finished by the end of July. If you're enjoying the story, please consider throwing a review my way! The next chapter will be in Sydney's POV again, then back to Rose for awhile. _


	8. Chapter 7: Friction

**Chapter 7: Friction**

As Jill's former roommate in Palm Springs, I knew I should be spending time with her now that she was back at St. Vladimir's, but I was completely and utterly distracted by Adrian. Everything he did enthralled me. We hardly saw each other during the day, which was just as well. We didn't want our "friendship" to raise suspicion. At nighttime (or what would be daytime in the normal human world), we ran free.

Thankfully, I had a single room in the dorms, but it was still nearly impossible for Adrian to get there after curfew without anyone asking questions. I knew he could compel them into thinking they hadn't seen anything suspicious, but it was still easier for me to climb out of my second-floor window, where he would be waiting to catch me and walk me back to his room in guest housing. Adrian was too much of a gentleman to let me walk alone. I was so tired during morning practice whenever we had a late-night rendezvous, but I hid it well. I had a feeling Rose would be proud of me anyway.

After a week, we still hadn't done anything more than kiss. Adrian was very patient, but I knew he had to be getting frustrated. Physically, it couldn't be easy for him to get his hopes—and more—up, only to be let down. I still wasn't willing to go all the way, but on Saturday night, even I was getting a bit bored with simply making out. Luckily for him, I was also feeling a little bit naughty, at least by Sydney Sage standards.

"Adrian," I murmured, leaning my head back slightly as he kissed my neck. We were lying on his bed, side by side, fully clothed as usual. My left leg was curled around his right, and I tightened my grip. "What do you say we go a little further?"

He looked up, unable to contain his excitement. "Really, Sage? Only if you want to. I mean, maybe I should practice taking off your shirt first. We haven't quite gotten that far yet," he teased.

I laughed. "Slow down. I don't want to go all the way. But I have a few other ideas that might interest you."

"Oh yeah?" He smiled. "Want to put them together in a PowerPoint presentation and get back to me on that?"

I began to unbutton his shirt slowly, kissing him all the while. He helped me ease it off of him, and I tossed it aside. When I got to the button of his jeans, he began to reach under my shirt. I panicked. I believed I looked horribly flabby under my shirt, but the rational part of me knew that Adrian wouldn't see me that way. I had been careful to shift my weight during our makeout sessions so he couldn't feel my ribs, and I was not about to let him see me. Trying to be smooth, I grabbed his hands and pressed them back into the pillows. "You just relax," I whispered. "Let me do all the work."

As a teaser, I slipped one hand under his boxers and found what I was looking for.

"Oh, Sydney," he said breathlessly. "You have no idea what you do to me."

Smiling, I started to pull his jeans and boxers down. He reached up again, this time pulling my shirt over my head before I could protest. His eyes widened. Knowing I was busted, I sat up, straddling his legs. He scrambled to a seated position too, taking in the sight of me.

"Seriously, Sage?" Apparently our first-name basis in the heat of the moment was over. "What the hell kind of training is Rose putting you through?"

"Don't blame Rose," I pleaded. "If anything, she's been trying to help me. Things have just been hard, okay? I'll get back on track, I swear. Now where were we?" I leaned down to kiss him again, but his hands on my shoulders stopped me.

"I can't, Sage. You're beautiful at any weight; don't get me wrong. But I can't see you like this and carry on as if you're healthy and whole."

"Are you kicking me out?" I asked incredulously, hopping off the bed.

"No, I'm—you can stay and we can talk about this."

"You want to _talk_?" What was wrong with him? Wasn't I good enough? Clearly not, if he wanted to stop and chat.

"I want to do a lot more than talk. But that's irrelevant right now, because that's not what you need. What happened to you?"

My only reply was the slam of the door behind me as I grabbed my shirt and left.

Monday morning rolled around, only compounding my misery.

"You expect that to hurt her, Sydney?" Rose asked, as I threw another less-than-impressive punch at Polina. She had given up on even pinning me to the mat. It was clear she could have done it every ten seconds, and neither of us wanted to go through that. I suspected she may even have felt a little bit sorry for me, but mostly she appeared annoyed that she had to wake up early for practice with a partner who couldn't challenge her at all. We had all argued that it wasn't fair for us humans to be fighting a dhampir. "You want to fight Strigoi someday and you're afraid of little Kachusova here?" Rose had asked us. She had a point.

"Sorry," I said lamely.

"Don't apologize to me. Apologize to Kachusova, who has been dealing with your incompetence all morning. You're better than this, Sydney. Pull yourself together." Ignoring my scowl, she dismissed us from class. I dashed off to the locker room before Rose could corner me again.

"She sure was a bitch to you today," remarked Anna.

"I deserved it," I snapped back. I may have been angry with Rose, but my loyalty is primarily to her and not to my classmates. If anyone knows about loyalty, it's an Alchemist. Truthfully, I found Anna to be as whiny and annoying as Rose did. I especially hated her because she was naturally so thin. It was like training with a Moroi, which might be the only thing worse than training with a dhampir. Well, except perhaps a Strigoi.

"No you didn't," Anna continued. "None of us deserve this. We're working our asses off here. I want to quit."

"Careful," said Elodie. "She probably has the locker room bugged and listens to everything we say."

I spent my morning classes dreading lunch with Rose even more than usual. Although I was perfectly on time as always, Rose had apparently arrived several minutes before me. She was waiting for me at the table with one tray of food for herself and another in front of my empty seat.

"Don't hate me, please," she said softly. "I'm not doing this to be mean to you."

I stared her down. It was true. She wasn't trying to hurt me. Her dark eyes brimmed with exhaustion and sadness. Fury rose in me, but I pushed it down and just stared at my tray. There was a grilled chicken sandwich, an apple, a pile of carrots, a yogurt, and a cookie.

"I tried to keep it healthy," she said softly. "But I do need you to eat it all."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can. You have a full hour until your next class starts. I'll sit here with you. Come on, Sydney. You want to be a guardian? This is what it takes. This is bravery."

"Eating lunch is bravery?" I felt mildly insulted.

"Doing things that terrify you is bravery," she corrected. She picked up her chicken sandwich, and I was touched to see that she had selected the exact same meal for herself. I knew she wasn't a fan of vegetables that weren't fried, and she probably wanted two cookies. But she was trying, in her own way, to make me feel better.

By 12:40, we had to compromise. I swore I would throw up during afternoon practice if I ate one more bite. "And if you try to force-feed me," I warned. "I'll make sure your shoes just happen to be in the way when I do." She sent me off to class with the apple and wrapped up the cookie to give to me after practice. I hoped she would forget about it.

My mind was reeling during class and I couldn't focus. I swore my thoughts were making me more nauseous than my expanded stomach. I had never been so distracted in my life. No matter what was going on, I could always get my work done. What has leaving the Alchemists done to me? I thought of how my father would disapprove of everything in my life these days—my training, my relationship with Adrian, the food I just ate.

I couldn't take it anymore. My hand flew into the air and I asked to go to the restroom. Mr. Mackenzie, the history teacher, looked surprised but nodded. I tried to look normal until I reached the hallway, then took off at a run.

Heading back to class, I felt guilty but relieved. My stomach was emptier and my mind was sharper. I was surprised that my body had reacted so strongly to what was, admittedly, a normal amount of food. I hadn't intended to throw up; it just happened. There was no way I would admit it to Rose. She would probably make another tray for me at dinner if she knew. I remembered I was supposed to be eating an apple during class and almost laughed out loud at the thought.

When I arrived at practice, Rose gave me a sympathetic look. "Still planning to puke on me, Sage?" she asked in a low voice while everyone else was dragging the mats to the center of the gym.

"No. I think I'm good."

She smiled. "See? You survived. Go get a mat, killer." She gave my shoulder a gentle shove. "Alright, people, same pairs as this morning. Zach, you're with me again. We'll start with some stretches."

Polina didn't look any happier about being paired with me again than Zach did about being paired with Rose. I resolved to be better than I had been that morning. I still felt heavier on my feet than I preferred to feel, but I was also a bit stronger and less shaky. I managed to doge a blow from Polina and hit her ribs with an uppercut. Rose, who somehow notices absolutely everything around her, praised me. "Looking better, Sage!" she called, ducking under Zach's fist.

I dawdled after practice, waiting for Rose to give me the cookie. I certainly didn't want it, but I knew better than to try to escape. Elodie was still in the gym too. She was sitting on the floor with one pant leg rolled up. Rose examined her knee, pressing on the patella, flexing the leg, and asking questions.

"Did it just start?" I heard her ask.

"It started feeling sore while I was running last Thursday morning," Elodie answered. "I thought it would go away, but it didn't. It just keeps getting worse. I'm trying not to run with a limp, but I can't help it. And roundhouse kicks are really painful. Not that I won't do them. I'll do them. I'll keep running too." Her voice was getting faster and more frantic. "I just thought I should say something, because on the first day of class, you said—"

Rose cut her off. "Does this hurt?" She pressed on the outside of Elodie's leg, far above the kneecap. Elodie yelped. "It's your IT band," she explained. "That stands for 'iliotibial.' It runs from your hip down to your knee. It's nothing serious, but it can get pretty painful when it's irritated."

"What did I do wrong?" Elodie asked.

"Nothing," said Rose. "It just happens. Remember what I said about repetitive motion? You're just overusing it, and this is how your body is reacting. Everyone is built slightly differently. Sometimes you do nothing wrong and you break anyway. It just happens." She patted Elodie's knee comfortingly and rolled down the pant leg. "We can cut back on the running and work on strengthening your quads. I'll show you some stretches, and we'll get you a foam roller. You'll hate me for it, but it will help in the long run."

I didn't want to find out what a foam roller was, and I doubted Elodie did either. If Rose thought it was painful, it was likely agonizing.

"Hey, Sydney?" she called. "Sit over there on the mats and wait for me, okay? I need about ten minutes with Elodie."

This was my opportunity. "Actually, I—"

"No, you don't. I know your schedule. And if something came up and you'd rather join me for dinner, we can do that instead."

In that moment, I think I hated her. "No," I said icily. "Ten minutes are fine." I awkwardly watched as Rose took Elodie through a series of stretches that ended with the dreaded foam roller. It didn't look that bad, to be honest. All she had to do was lay on her side on a tube of firm foam and propel her body back and forth using her forearms. The tube worked like a rolling pin on her upper leg. Watching Elodie's face as she tried to be tough, I decided I must be underestimating its potential.

Besides, I was the one who was shaking at the thought of eating a cookie. I hate sugar anyway. Always have, always will. I wasn't allowed to have it as a child. My older sister Carly fell in love with chocolate cake in the cafeteria when she went away to college. She was still far from overweight, but I vowed to never lose control like that.

"I'd send you to get your knee wrapped or taped, but that wouldn't help much," Rose said to Elodie, helping her stand up. "Ice it tonight and I'll think of something else for you to do during practice tomorrow." Elodie actually returned Rose's smile. I was glad she could see that Rose does have a heart. I wished that the other humans could see it too.

Rose had a smile for me too. "Thanks for waiting, Sydney." She sat down next to me and pulled the cookie, wrapped in napkins, out of her gym bag. "Sydney, meet M&M cookie. They're the best kind. Like chocolate chip, but more exciting."

I rolled my eyes. Only Rose would get this excited about a brightly colored cookie that probably tasted the same as any other. I took the cookie bitterly and nibbled the corner.

"So I ran into Adrian earlier," Rose said brightly. "What did you do to him, Sage?"

I froze. "What do you mean?"

"I'm just kidding," she said. "He was just in a bad mood. It's probably nicotine withdrawal. I think he's trying to be sneaky with his cigarettes now that he's actually sort of a teacher. Teaching assistant, anyway. Eat up, if you're so concerned about being late to whatever thing you'll say you have to go to. How are you feeling after lunch today?"

I considered my answer carefully. "Fine," I said. It was an honest answer. Just a bit incomplete.

She studied me. "You're not fine. But you will be."


	9. Chapter 8: Dinner with the Devil

**Chapter 8: Dinner with the Devil**

I froze when I heard a knock at my door. It was a wonder I could hear it at all, even with my sensitive dhampir ears, because I was blasting music. My hair was held off my face by a blue bandana, and Dimitri's old t-shirt hung loosely on me. For once in my life, I was cleaning my room. In just a few hours, Dimitri, Lissa, and Christian would arrive at the Academy for the All Saint's Day celebration. I had been fairly bored with the festivities during my years as a student, but now I could hardly wait for them to begin. Of course, I slept late instead of starting my cleaning early, and my room was still a total mess.

Standing in the doorway was none other than my tall, handsome boyfriend. I shrieked like a little girl and jumped into his arms.

"Roza!" He carried me into the room as I clung to him like a monkey. After a long kiss, he playfully tossed me on the bed. For the first time, he surveyed the mess that was my room. I cringed. Because alcohol was banned at the Academy, even for teachers who were of legal age, I couldn't recycle bottles very often. Actually, I had yet to figure out how to successfully get rid of them at all. It made me much more nervous as a teacher than it ever had as a student. The unfortunate result was a large pile in the corner of the room.

Dimitri frowned. "Is there something we need to talk about?"

Nope. Nothing at all. "How much I missed you?" I suggested. "Everything I want to do to you to make up for lost time?"

That worked. He dove onto the bed and grabbed me. "Was that my shirt?" he asked, pulling it over my head and tossing it aside. His shirt and both of our jeans soon joined it on the floor.

"Maybe," I said flirtatiously. "Am I forgiven for stealing it?"

"I think you can make it up to me." He pulled off my pink lace panties. "But in the meantime, let's pretend I owe you a favor, shall we?" His kisses moved from my neck downward, past my breasts, ending between my legs.

I arched my back as his tongue moved quickly, rhythmically, perfectly. He was as precise with his tongue during foreplay as he was with his fist during fights. My body, too, responded with adrenaline like it did in combat. I felt the tension build in my body, a lovely tingling sensation all over.

"Getting close?" he asked after several minutes, using his fingers where his tongue had just been without breaking the rhythm of his strokes.

I nodded. "Yes," I said breathlessly.

He smiled, pulled himself up so that his body was level with mine, and slid inside me. We knew each other's bodies so well that we could manipulate them to climax at nearly the same time. When we finished, we lay flat on our backs, side by side, breathing heavily.

I was the first to speak. "May I ask why you're here so early? Obviously, I'm not complaining, but I really did plan to have my room clean for you." _And at least half of those wine bottles stashed under the bed for your sanity. _

"Everyone was ready to leave Court early, so we did," he answered. "One of the many perks of private jets, my dear."

"So who do I know here? Just you, Lissa, and Christian?" I asked.

"Well, I wanted to talk to you about that," he said nervously. "We were the only ones who arrived from Court, but I ran into another—guest—on the runway. How he knew we were arriving early, I have no idea. But Abe Mazur is in town."

"_What?_"

"Oh, and your mother."

"_Why?_"

"And we're having dinner with them tonight."

I was shocked. "And they didn't think to tell me themselves?"

"Abe thought it would be funnier this way."

"Well, he has a shit sense of humor," I snapped. I ignored the fact that if this had been happening to anyone but me, I would have found it kind of funny too. Ignoring mine and Abe's glaring similarities usually worked pretty well for me. "Has he threatened to disembowel you yet? The lecture he gave Adrian was apparently pretty graphic."

Dimitri scowled at my mention of Adrian's name. "No. I suppose I have that to look forward to. Don't worry, Roza. I can handle Ibrahim Mazur's threats better than most men could."

I wondered if that was supposed to be a subtle dig at Adrian, but decided that it didn't really matter. I had more pressing matters at hand, like what I could possibly wear that wouldn't cause my mother to call me a blood whore again. Reluctantly, I kicked Dimitri out of my room and texted Lissa. I hoped that she wouldn't be too busy with her queenly duties yet.

I'll never know what excuses she gave or what obligations she skipped to help me with my wardrobe crisis, but in less than five minutes she was at my door.

"Rose!" she squealed, all dignified royal airs gone. She leapt at me like I had at Dimitri, which was awkward because she was so much taller than me. "I missed you so much! I mean, being queen is great, for the most part. Not always pleasant, but it's such a satisfying job. I still question my decision not to go to college after all, but I think it's for the best. I'm so busy and I still worry about political extremists trying to kill me, you know. Not that you should worry about that. I'm fine. But it's best if I stay at Court. And I make time to read books! Lots of books. It's like my own independent study."

I laughed and squeezed her tightly, deciding not to mention that she shared the same information with me on the phone all the time, or that her rambling sounded exactly like Jill's. I didn't need the bond to tell me that their relationship is still a sore spot for Lissa.

"Now what do you need a dress for?" she asked brightly. "Did they invite you to the royal dinner tonight? I would have, but I didn't think you'd be interested. We couldn't spend any quality time together there anyway."

I grimaced. "Worse. It's a meet-the-family dinner with Dimitri and my parents."

"_What? Why?_"

"That's what I said. You would think that Dimitri's stellar reputation as a guardian would be enough for my mom, but I think she's still hung up on the age issue. Or the non-issue, as I like to call it. As for Abe, he's just being his slippery serpent self. You know, graphic threats to the boyfriend about what will happen if he breaks my heart." I scoffed. "I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."

"Yeah, I can see that." Lissa gestured toward the pile of bottles in the corner. Maybe I should have given myself more time to clean before texting her, but my wardrobe emergency had really distracted me. I guess she took pity on me and my family dinner predicament, because she dropped the subject immediately and we began to tear apart my closet, brainstorming possibilities.

The only formal clothes that covered most of my skin were my black and white guardian uniforms. They were flattering, but I wasn't really supposed to wear them when I wasn't on official duty or taking part in a ceremony. Lissa and I finally selected a halter dress in a deep shade of plum that was appropriate for autumn. The cut was asymmetrical. I hoped that my mother would focus on the right side, which hung nearly to my knee, and not the left. A single silver flower wrapped around the left side of my ribs. It was understated and classy.

Shoes were a challenge. As a guardian, I wanted to be prepared for a fight at a moment's notice, so I rarely wore heels. I owned only one pair, and they would not have been Janine-approved. I couldn't borrow anything from Lissa—her feet were two full sizes bigger than mine. We decided that a slightly worn out pair of flats, which used to be silver but now were closer to grey, would have to work. They clashed with the only formal jacket I have—a short-sleeved, cropped, white one— so the halter dress would have to stand on its own.

Lissa surveyed the final product. "Well, Dimitri will be happy, anyway."

"I don't think Dimitri cares what I wear as long as he can take it off of me later. Assuming we both survive this thing, that is."

"You'll be great." She took both of my hands in hers and gave them a quick squeeze. "I'm so sorry, Rose, I need to get going. Remember when our biggest obstacle to spending time together was your tendency to be under house arrest at all times?"

I grinned. "I spent a decent amount of time in Russia and jail too. Plus it's my fault you're queen, remember? Go be your beautiful, regal self. I'll see you tomorrow."

By the time 5:00 rolled around, I was antsy. Dimitri wasn't coming to pick me up until 5:45, and I was already wearing my dress. I kept casting nervous glances at my mini-fridge. _Nothing wrong with taking the edge off the anxiety, right? _I asked myself. _Nothing wrong at all_. Pressure-filled situations are my specialty, and I work best with anxiety. However, this was a special case. This wasn't a Strigoi attack. This was dinner with the parents. So much worse.

I filled half of a tumbler with vodka and the other half with orange juice. No ice for me, thanks. I made sure to brush my teeth before Dimitri picked me up, but we dhampirs really do have excellent senses. That, and I tripped over my feet on my way out the door. Dimitri looked at me disapprovingly. We're typically pretty coordinated too. I definitely didn't look like my usual self.

On our way, he took my arm and pulled me to the side of the hallway. His stern expression reminded me of the days when he was my mentor. "You're overthinking this," he told me. "It doesn't have to be so hard. We have nothing to prove. Not only are we in love, we're compatible as partners. We're not perfect, but we bring out the best in each other. We have what everyone else wants. Janine and Abe will see that and they'll come around." He cracked a smile. "Besides, do you think I couldn't take them down if I need to?"

"My mom might give you some trouble."

"Like mother, like daughter."

"Hey!" But I returned his smile and allowed him to take my hand. The pressure of his fingers laced through mine was comforting.

We made our way through the commons to a small room that Abe had reserved for us. I had no doubt that this family dinner would be catered, complete with waiters. I sighed. Maybe there would be wine.

There was no time for another pep talk before entering the dining room. Janine was already waiting for us outside as if she were on duty as a guardian at her post. She wasn't wearing her guardian black and white, but she might as well have been, standing in front of us in perfectly tailored grey pants and a navy blouse. I didn't know whether or not to hug her when we approached, so I smiled awkwardly and let Dimitri take over.

"Guardian Hathaway," he greeted her, shaking her hand. "Pleasure to see you. And you too, Mr. Mazur." Abe had joined us in the hallway.

"Please, call me Janine," my mother answered.

"And me, Abe," he said, shaking Dimitri's hand firmly. This was a good sign. "How's my girl?" He wrapped an arm around my shoulder protectively. I stumbled again, falling into him.

"Rosemarie, are you drunk?" asked Janine, hands on her hips and eyes boring into me.

"No!" I said defensively. "Why would you think that?" I was a little tipsy, that's all. Nothing a good meal couldn't fix. As it turns out, I was in luck. I was pleased to see that Abe had gone all out for dinner, with a large and hearty meal. Maybe he really was getting to know me well. He was decked out in a fancy suit as usual with a lime green handkerchief tucked into the breast pocket of his jacket. Only Abe could wear something like that and look suave rather than ridiculous.

I doubt my mother believed that I wasn't drunk, but she wasn't about to make a scene in front of a dinner guest. Our relationship had been so much better lately. We may never be affectionate, but we seemed to have decided on mutual respect. I hoped I hadn't just thrown all of that away, and resolved to be on my best behavior at dinner no matter what. I almost turned down the first round of wine from the waiter, but hey, good behavior has its limits. Besides, that could be seen as impolite.

"So, Dimitri," Abe began, helping himself to a scoop of mashed potatoes. "You were born in Siberia, correct? Were you near any big cities?"

We chatted about Russia for awhile. My mother had been all over the country as well, traveling with the Szelsky lord she guarded. All-expenses-paid international travel was one of the best perks of guarding a wealthy, royal Moroi. When the conversation shifted to work, Dimitri didn't ask Abe what he did for a living. Nobody ever did. It was best not to know.

Dinner was going surprisingly well. Abe and Dimitri are far more charismatic and easygoing than are my mother and I, and they carried the conversation with little effort on our part. I tried to eat gracefully and smile at the right times. But leave it to Janine Hathaway to take a good thing and totally ruin it.

"I think there's a point we need to address," she said formally during a lull in the conversation. We all turned to look at her. "You two met here at St. Vladimir's, when Rose was a student. An underage student."

Oh. That. "Mom, I was seventeen when I got back to St. Vladimir's! Seventeen and a half! More than a half. Seventeen and seven months. Almost seven months. I was at least seventeen and a half. It rounds up to eighteen!"

Dimitri shot me a "you are not helping" warning look before addressing my mother. "That's correct. Circumstances were not ideal. I certainly did not intend to think of her as anything more than a student. But Rose is very mature for her age—" Abe snorted. "—and we came to truly care about each other. Even then, she was a wonderful young woman. Less than a year later, she sits here as a full-fledged, adult guardian. I couldn't possibly see her as a child once I got to know her."

"The age itself is hardly even the problem," Janine plowed on. "The point is that you were willing to risk your career and your reputation for a relationship."

He looked uneasy and unsure of how to respond. "I would risk a lot for Rose. I love her."

"And therein lies the problem," she said seriously. "I want to be happy for you two, but I also want the best for my daughter, and I'm not sure if falling in love is good for her."

"_Mom!_" Now I was furious. I stood up, hitting the table with my knee and nearly knocking over my wine glass. "What the hell is _wrong_ with you? I am an incredible guardian. You know it, I know it, and everybody else knows it. I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you. But unconventional people like me, who put up with utter shit from people like you every day just because we follow our own paths, are the ones who change the fucking world. And for _that_, I will _never _apologize."

She looked too stunned to be angry. Abe, for once in his life, looked unsure of what to do. Dimitri grabbed my wrist. "Sit _down_," he hissed.

Abe cleared his throat. "Anyone want dessert?"

Twenty extraordinarily awkward minutes later, we said our goodbyes.

"Are you going to lecture me?" I asked Dimitri when we were a safe distance away.

"Lecture you? All things considered, I think that went surprisingly well. Wanna celebrate?" He grabbed my hand and took off down the school hallway at a run. I laughed, holding up my strapless bra with one hand as we dashed through a door leading out to the grounds.

"We escaped!" I yelled. "We're freeeeeee!"

"Shhh! It's past curfew, my love," he teased. He had a point. For the students, it was. "Looks like we'll have to be sneaky." He leaned down and motioned for me to jump on his back. We must have looked crazy, but I didn't care. At the edge of the woods, I slid off his back, and we walked the rest of the way to our destination.

But when we got there, my joy and desire quickly evaporated. There were fresh tracks in the mud leading up to the door. The sun was out in full force by now, but the woods were still dusky. Through the curtains, I could clearly see the lights on in the cabin. We snapped into guardian mode.

"Rose," he commanded. "I need you to open the door. I will be the first inside, and then you can follow me."

I obeyed. On his count of three, I flung open the door and he jumped inside. Hurdling around the doorframe, I followed. I froze when I recognized the long, blonde curtain of hair obscuring the face of the girl kneeling on the bed under the blanket. She tossed back the hair in shock and turned to look at us, revealing another girl underneath her in the bed. I thought dinner with my parents had been horribly awkward, but apparently the night had more in store for me.

"_Polina?_"


	10. Chapter 9: They Still Can't Erase You

**Chapter 9: They Still Can't Erase You**

Dimitri was already out the door, probably suffering from the uncomfortable irony of accidentally seeing two teenage girls in bed together right after my mother accosted him for sleeping with me when I was seventeen. I pulled myself together. "Okay," I began. "I am going to go into the bathroom, and when I come back in one minute, you will both be standing here, fully clothed, and ready to explain yourselves."

They were. Staring at the second girl, I was momentarily surprised to see that she was a Moroi, tall and thin. Her hair was as long as Polina's, but deep brown and curly. A few tears leaked out of her blue-grey eyes, taking her eyeliner with them as they rolled down her cheeks. My heart went out to her, and I had to remind myself that these two were breaking the rules. I saw Polina stretch out her pinky and link it with the other girl's.

"Rose, this is Savannah," Polina said smoothly, as if we were at a cocktail party. "Savannah Conta."

Conta? I was not expecting that. No wonder they wanted to keep the relationship secret. Polina was dating a royal Moroi? I resisted the urge to congratulate her. "Nice to meet you, Savannah," I said awkwardly. "But it would have been nicer to meet you in a way that didn't involve you two breaking school rules."

I expected a sassy tirade from Polina about how hypocritical it was for me to punish anyone for breaking curfew or hooking up in inappropriate places on campus. But she was silent and scared, her pinky still clutching Savannah's. I had to make a quick decision about what to do with them. Once again, I felt a twinge of regret about giving my teachers such a hard time when I was a student. This job was not easy.

"Miss Conta," I began. "You will serve your detentions with me next Monday through Friday. 7 to 8 pm." _No way was I taking away my dinner hour again, and if I only kept her for an hour, I could still have a few drinks before bed._ "Meet me in the dhampir gym. If anyone asks, including Kirova, you are serving detention for… littering." _Boring. Non-descript. Not the kind of thing that starts rumors._ "You left some trash behind on the lunch table today. I was in a bad mood when I saw it happen." _Nobody would doubt that_. "That is why you're in detention. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Guardian Hathaway!" She was flat-out crying now.

"Good. Hey, Dimitri!" I called, praying he was still outside waiting for me. Thankfully, he was. "Can you please walk Savannah back to the Moroi dorms and make sure she doesn't get caught breaking curfew? Kachusova, don't go anywhere."

When we were alone, I started rooting around in the cabinets. "Want a cookie to get you through this conversation?" I asked Polina, pulling out a box. "They're probably pretty old, but maybe they're still good."

Her eyes were glued to the ground and she didn't move a muscle. I recognized the signs of her slipping into her dark place and approached her cautiously. I had seen it before, once on the day she opened up to me and a few times in training when something seemed to trigger her. She was great at hiding it when she wanted to be. In training, I could only recognize the signs because I know her so well. I suspected that her earlier calmness was for Savannah's sake. Now that her guard was down, I was nervous. Once she gets to her dark place, I can't follow and pull her out of it.

"Polya?" I had never used her Russian nickname before and was surprised to hear myself say it. "Stay with me. You're safe here. Can you hear me? You're safe." I knew better than to try to touch her. "Come sit at the kitchen table with me when you can." I took my time getting glasses of water for us, and soon, she tentatively sat down across from me. I waited, but she didn't speak.

"That was her, wasn't it," I said softly. "The Moroi you want to protect?"

Polina nodded slightly, still not meeting my eyes. "She found out," she said plainly, almost robotically. "My mom. My dad died when I was seven. Mom caught me kissing Savannah in my bedroom. We were twelve. Mom sent her home and beat the shit out of me. It was the day before I was set to come back to school, thank god. There were questions, of course. Here at school. It turns out my leg was broken, for fuck's sake. I told the doctor I fell out of a tree in my backyard. Mother confirmed it. Maybe the break _was_ from falling. I jumped out bedroom window trying to get away. But most of the damage was done at that point, so I don't know where the break came from. I always know when it's going to rain now because my leg starts hurting first. Maybe it never healed correctly. I don't know how the neighbors didn't hear. Maybe they did and didn't want to interfere. I guess that's understandable. I never spoke to her again. My mother."

She stopped to take a breath and finally met my eyes. I was too shocked to cry, and she hadn't entirely come back to earth yet. "Savannah's parents weren't happy either, but they're royal, you know? They have appearances to keep up. Can't just beat the shit out of their daughter and blame it on a tree. Word would get out eventually. And she doesn't deserve that."

"You don't either," I finally said.

Polina shrugged, sliding back into her old self. "Rose, I'm a bitch, a slut, and a waste of talent. But Savannah isn't. She's smart. She's sweet. Maybe she isn't one of the popular girls, but anyone who gives her a chance can't help but love her. She would never do the things I've done. We haven't been a couple all these years, Savannah and I. Just the past two. I've never liked boys, but I sure as hell tried to. There was a time—early high school, I guess it was—when I _really_ tried. I guess I just had to know, and how can you know that you don't like boys if you only fuck _some_ of them?" Her laughter had a maniacal quality to it.

My heart broke for this younger Polina. Of course she channeled all of her energy into the goal of being attracted to boys. She attacked every task with that kind of grit and determination. She probably publicized her efforts too, or at least allowed others to talk. I could only imagine the things they said about her. The things she convinced herself were true. I felt a little bit sick.

I thought I knew love and I thought I knew war, but I had never met anyone with demons like Polina's. My mother loved me, in her own way, and I couldn't just be civil with her for one night? My relationship with Dimitri had been taboo when I was a student, but in a thrilling way. Who was I to complain about being judged?

As if she could hear my thoughts, Polina spoke up. "You understand a lot of what I'm saying. Maybe you think you don't. You downplay everything you've been through. Those _molnija_ marks don't show half of it. I've seen you fight. When you're in combat, you don't feel anything at all. You have this badass reputation, and you deserve it. But you rely on it. If you didn't, what would you be? I'm the same as you, but weaker, and far less talented. If you weren't a guardian, you would be nothing." Her eyes suddenly widened. I think she just realized that maybe it wasn't her place to say things like that to me, but for Polina's standards, that was quite tame.

And it was true. So I ignored it.

"Do you love her?" I asked.

"More than anything."

"Would you die for her?"

"Yes."

"Then fight for her."

_Author's Note_: The chapter title comes from the song "Hand Me Down" by Matchbox Twenty, which might as well be the background music to this chapter.


	11. Chapter 10: Above the Rules

**Chapter 10: Above the Rules**

I don't know why I became the official detention supervisor. Maybe it's karma, maybe it's new-teaching hazing, or maybe I'm just always in the wrong place at the wrong time. After all, I do have a knack for that. At least Savannah's detention, which I now regret giving her at all, was made much less awkward by the presence of several other students. Kirova caught me in the hallway on the way to my Theory class.

"Good morning, Rose. Can you do me a favor?" she asked brusquely.

I had a pounding headache and was in no mood for this, but there was only one correct answer. "Sure. What do you need?"

She handed me a list. "These are all of the students in detention this week. None of the instructors who gave them the detentions had any work for them to do, so I figured it would be easiest if you took all of them. I understand that Savannah Conta is yours, although I question whether or not she needs to serve an entire week for littering."

_That makes two of us_. "If you would like to decrease the punishment, I understand," I offered. "Maybe I was a little harsh. I noticed other students leaving trash on the tables and wanted to make an example out of her." _Rose, you don't make an example out of royal Moroi, _I realized immediately afterwards.

But Kirova waved her hand. "No, no, a week is fine. Whatever task you had in mind for her, I trust that you can make it work for 7 students. Thanks, Rose. Have a good day!"

I stared at her retreating back, shooting daggers with my eyes. She was right about one thing, though—I could use more hands. Savannah was set to do some deep cleaning in the guardian gym, and the more little rule-breakers I had working for me, the cleaner it could be. Still, I was glad this detention was only one hour long. Final exams started in one week, and the stress was getting to everyone. I couldn't wait for Christmas.

I skimmed the list. The youngest student was in seventh grade and the oldest were seniors. _Romilly Evans—chronic tardiness, 2 days. Nathaniel Dane and Francesca Augustini—public display of affection, 4 days. _And then—I blinked at the paper multiple times—_Jillian Mastrano, smoking, 14 days. _

Jailbait? _Smoking_? I could hardly wait to go back to guest housing during my free period that afternoon. I had a good idea of who was responsible for this.

I pounded on the door. "Adrian!" I yelled. "Open up!"

"Why, good morning, Little Dhampir," he said. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"It's afternoon," I corrected, pushing my way into his suite. "Don't you have work today or something?"

"Not for another hour. I already taught my morning classes. Plenty of time for a nap, until you interrupted it. You're lucky you're so charming," he said smoothly. Sure enough, he was wearing plaid pajama pants and an old t-shirt. The couch was half-covered by a fleece blanket and most of the pillows were on the floor. "Plus, it always feels like morning on Adrian Ivashkov time. Except for when it doesn't."

"I have no idea what that means and I don't really care. What the hell did you do to Jill?"

He cringed. "Ah. You found out. Yes, that was ill-advised on my part. She was having a bad day, which was my fault. Spirit darkness, you know. She can usually block it out, but not always. So she wanted a puff of my cigarette. To take the edge off, you know."

"I don't care what she wanted! Jill _smokes _now? I thought you cared about her!"

"Relax, Little Dhampir. You know I do care about her. I just wanted her to feel better, and my judgment may have been just a little bit impaired at the time. We were behind the dorms, but one of the guardians happened to be patrolling. Luck never did favor Adrian Ivashkov."

"Luck? You're lucky if I don't punch your pretty face today. Why didn't you get in trouble too? And why didn't you use compulsion on the guardian who caught her?"

He laughed. "Oh, now you're okay with breaking the rules again? I'm practically a teacher, Rose. I just pretended that I happened to have caught her at the same time the guardian did and was already about to write her up. I'm sure he didn't believe me, because he wrote the detention himself, but he couldn't prove anything. The cigarette was in her hand, not mine. As for compulsion, well, my powers might have been impaired along with my judgment."

I groaned.

"Cheer up," he said. "Jailbait is fine. It's just one detention. Or fourteen. But she's with you! Go easy on our little rebel, okay? And she hated smoking anyway. She was just curious. Isn't it better for kids to try these things in a controlled environment, supervised by responsible adults such as ourselves?"

"You are unbelievable. Your 'above the rules' days are over, Adrian. Get your shit together. I don't care what you do to yourself"—he looked surprisingly hurt at that—"but don't drag Jill into your little web of misery and self-destruction." I turned on my heel and left him staring after me.

Detention was not nearly as awkward as I had expected it to be, but I dreaded the end of the week, when it would be just me, Jill, Savannah, and one guy. By Wednesday, I was already thoroughly fed up with everyone in my life. Winter break could not come fast enough. I couldn't wait to go to Court and spend my days getting massages with Lissa, ordering room service complete with fancy drinks, and spending time with Dimitri. Hell, I even missed Christian Ozera. As usual, the world—or Kirova—had other plans for me. Dimitri got an earful that night during our phone conversation.

"How I was supposed to know that I had to request days off for winter break? I think that she purposely didn't tell me so I would be stuck here. I don't even know what I ever did to her. Not during my time as a teacher, anyway," I huffed.

"Yes, Roza, everything is a conspiracy to ruin your life." Dimitri sounded amused by this. How rude. "It has nothing to do with the fact that they need guardians there for the students who can't go home during break."

"Whatever. Will you come visit?"

"Yes, of course."

"Good. I hope Lissa can too. And I hope Kirova knows this is _not _okay with me."

I could hear a smile in his voice. "I'm sure you made that clear."

"You know what would help me get my point across?" I asked. "Russian swear words. Are you ever going to teach me any?"

"Someday, Roza. Someday. In the meantime, want to learn some other new words? Maybe what you are to me?"

I waited, not sure where he was going with this.

"чувственный—_sexy_. cтрастный—_passionate_. And what I want to do with you when I visit?" I think he said a complete sentence, but he could have told me anything and I wouldn't have understood a single word.

"Oh yeah? What does that mean?"

"You'll just have to wait and see, won't you?" He slipped into dirty talk, this time all in English so I could respond. I felt my body start to respond too. The man sure does know how to make me feel better.

His visit was wonderful, but short-lived. He was needed at Court during Christmas because there were so many visitors. On the last day of final exams, I secretly let Jill skip her detention so she could get back to Court. Jill, her mom, and her stepdad all got free plane tickets so they could safely spend the holiday together inside the wards. Being the Dragomir princess certainly had a few advantages. Being Queen, however, came with a price as usual. Lissa couldn't visit me. She just had too many obligations, mostly stuff like holiday parties that she didn't really want to attend anyway. When she broke the news, I could have really used some Russian swear words.

My winter break duties mostly consisted of patrolling the grounds and busting dorm parties. Polina was still at school, of course. She hadn't left the Academy in years because she had nowhere to go. I wanted to take her off-campus just for ice cream or something. She was still avoiding me, no doubt horrified by how vulnerable she had allowed herself to be with me during our conversation. I saw her in the gym every day, but I don't know what she did after hours. She wasn't at any of the parties I busted.

One of those parties, an extravagant one in an upperclassman Moroi dorm, was truly impressive. In my write-up, I made it sound like it was just a bunch of kids sitting around drinking beer. Judging by the insanely dilated pupils on many of them, I think they had a white Christmas in a way that had nothing to do with the deep Montana snow outside. Although I stayed away from drugs myself, I knew what it was like to have no family who cared about you enough to raise you themselves. These kids had been tossed aside and many of them were given a lot of money. They reminded me of Adrian, in a way. As long as it didn't become a habit, I was not about to judge them for their party favors.

Adrian, too, was being particularly Adrian that week. I ate an awkward Christmas Eve dinner with him and Sydney, wishing with all of my heart that Dimitri, Lissa, or even Jill were there to break the tension. Adrian was hammered by 5:00, and I wasn't far behind. Sydney picked at her turkey and mashed potatoes, mostly pushing them around the plate and nibbling on a pile of steamed vegetables. Mine and Adrian's moods flew around. We went from legitimately fighting over the best pieces of meat to joyously toasting everything we could think of.

"To the snow that falls softly on the pines of Montana, enveloping our fair school in a blanket of innocence to protect us from the harsh realities of 21st-century urban decay!"

Shit like that sure sounds profound when you're drunk. I couldn't top it. "To vodka! It's clear, bringing clarity to… life!"

"To the abundant feast spread before us, with its succulent meats and savory sides and sweet nectar of the gods!"

"To a new year!" I shouted.

"And a new you!" he responded. "And a new me, and a new Sydney! A whole new world!" We linked arms and drained our champagne flutes. God, were we hot messes. I hoped we wouldn't share another bonding experience hanging over a toilet later. Sure enough, Christmas Day was the worst holiday of my life. Adrian and I couldn't even bring ourselves to thank each other for our presents—scotch for him, Grey Goose vodka for me. We smiled grimly at each other and set them aside for a time when we could stomach the thought of alcohol again.

By New Year's Eve, I was ready for a social life again—not a wild party, seeing as I had gotten stuck with security duty yet again, just some time with my friends. I knocked on Sydney's door and was surprised that she didn't answer. Maybe she was taking a nap, I decided, and went to Adrian's door.

When he opened it, he was wearing loose pajama pants again and no shirt. "Do you ever wear clothes anymore?" I asked, brushing him aside and walking into his living room before he could invite me in. "Do you have any snacks? I'm starving." I knew his mini-fridge was in his bedroom. I strolled in, opening the door just as he yelled for me to wait.

I thought my life couldn't get more awkward than when I walked in on Polina and Savannah in the cabin, but I was wrong. Laying in Adrian's bed, with the covers pulled up to her shoulders, was Sydney Sage.

"_Seriously?_" I exclaimed. "Are you two going to explain yourselves?"

"If you learned to knock before opening doors instead of after, there would be no need to explain," Adrian said dryly. Guiltily, I thought back to the afternoon in Clarence's house when Jill did the same thing to me and Dimitri. I guess I'm part of the problem.

"We've never had sex! Not yet, anyway," exclaimed Sydney. Adrian's face brightened at the word "yet."

"I don't really need details, thanks," I said, burying my head in my hands. "So are you guys like… together?"

They looked at each other. "More or less," Sydney answered.

I considered this. A Moroi and a human. Huh. Well, I wasn't one to judge taboo relationships. Theirs wasn't much different than mine and Dimitri's, really. "Are you happy?"

They beamed. "Very," said Adrian.

"Well, alright then. I'll come back later. Or just come find me. Preferably when you're wearing clothes."

A weight seemed to have been lifted off their backs, and now I understood how Adrian and I could be friends. _He really is over me,_ I mused, as he kissed Sydney at midnight. I wished we could all stay this way forever—happy, at peace, and excited for a fresh start.

I was in for a rude awakening on the very first day back at school. I knew that it would be a rough morning. No matter how many times I told my students that they needed to work out during break and stay in shape, I suspected that hardly anyone had. Sydney was in the gym every day even though I didn't want her to be, and Polina had put in quite a few hours too. But most of the human novices were showing signs of being out of shape already.

"You call this a workout?" I barked at Anna Lindholm, who was falling back into her old pattern of slacking off. She looked like she hated me more than usual, which was saying a lot, but she picked up the pace a bit. I almost felt bad about sending them out to run laps when it was 5 degrees outside. Almost.

For the most part, they were doing alright. Polina, looking sleek in all black thermal running gear, was well matched with Zach. I was pleased to see them pacing each other. Elodie was only about half a lap behind them, wearing a ridiculous but adorable winter hat with a pom-pom sitting on the top. I think Sydney was wearing about ten sweatshirts. She was clearly trying her hardest to catch up with Polina and Zach, but she just couldn't quite get there. Something about watching her made me uneasy. I held out my stopwatch, preparing for the leaders to finish. Normally, I would make them wait on the track for everyone else to finish, but it was just so cold. I sent them inside.

Something in Sydney's face didn't look right. She seemed to be shuffling her feet, with none of her usual grace. She wasn't far from the finish line when I saw her eyes start to blink for slightly too long. I leapt in front of her and caught her shoulders as she started to fall into me.

I tried to stay calm for her sake. She was conscious, but I didn't trust her to stand on her own. The bitter, cold wind whipped at my face. I couldn't just set Sydney down on the grass, which covered with a coat of snow. "Sydney? Sydney!" I yelled, hoping to keep her alert.

She mumbled something that sounded vaguely like "I'm fine". I scooped her up and ran for the door, not knowing or caring where Elodie and Anna were. She was even lighter than I had expected. "_Shit_," I whispered. I laid her down on a mat in the gym, elevating her legs. Polina handed me a cup of water, then I sent her and Zach away, not wanting to freak Sydney out or embarrass her when she came around again. I sat on the floor with her, stroking her hair and talking softly. I didn't tell her that I couldn't understand anything she was saying.

"Does anyone have food? Juice? Anything with sugar?" I yelled to the other four. They just stared at me, wide-eyed. _Damn. This is why I should carry snacks all the time. _"I'll take that as a no. Alright, practice is cancelled. I'll see you tomorrow." None of them moved. "You can go now. Really. She'll be fine. And I don't want to hear about any rumors. This stays between us."

After another minute or so, I decided that Sydney wasn't going to be able to safely walk to the med clinic without help. I said a silent prayer of thanks to whoever may be listening that school didn't start for another hour and a half. She didn't have to worry about the entire campus seeing her stumble around, leaning heavily on my shoulder. Dr. Olendzki was filling out paperwork at the front desk when I burst through the door, half-carrying Sydney.

"Rose?" asked the doctor.

"Sydney Sage. Human. Passed out while running. Needs food." I was out of breath from bearing my own weight and most of hers all the way from the gym to the clinic.

Dr. Olendzki took my word for it and didn't ask questions yet. Sydney was starting to look distressed, and her skin was cold and clammy. She tried to push herself up and roll off the bed. I sat on the edge of the bed and put an arm around her, trying to lift her head and coax her into drinking a cup of orange juice, but she kept swatting my hand away. I saw a single tear roll down her cheek. I was both sad and incredibly frustrated. I hate feeling helpless.

"Remember what I said about bravery?" I snapped. "I don't know what's going through your mind right now. I've never been where you are, and watching you is scaring the fuck out of me, to be honest. I just know you're in hell and that I can't pull you out of it. You need to do this yourself, Sydney. I can't train you on this. You just need to fight through it. Will you do that? Will you fight?"

She closed her eyes tightly and shook her head no. Several seconds later, she opened her eyes and reached toward the cup. I helped her shaky hand hold it to her lips. With steely resolve, she downed the entire cup. Dr. Olendzki tossed me a package of peanut butter crackers, and Sydney ate all six of them, tears running down her face the entire time. The glazed look in her eyes was slowly disappearing.

"You did great," I told her when she was done. I tried to hug her, but she pushed me away angrily and curled up in a ball on her side, lost in her own little world.

_Author's Note__: Thanks for the new reviews! I would like to see more of Jill in this story too, but I just can't fit every character into it without it being too chaotic. Eddie, for example, is one of my favorite characters. There will be more Rose/Dimitri time and more Sydney/Adrian time in the near future. Plenty of Rose and Adrian too. I just love those two and their clashing personalities that made for an unfortunate romantic relationship and a hilarious friendship. Their conversations in __Shadow Kiss__ are the best. Alright, that's enough rambling from me. Time to go work on chapter 11. Please keep reviewing! It means a lot to me, and I do take them into account as I'm writing! _


	12. Chapter 11: Brilliance in Your Eyes

**Chapter 11: Brilliance in Your Eyes**

_I'm slipping under. _

_I can almost catch up to Polina, I know I could if I weren't so fat and lazy. I think I'm going to throw up, but I don't know what could possibly still be in my stomach. Rose is holding me. This is odd. Why am I moving? Am I flying? Did I run fast enough to fly? Water? No water, thanks. Why are you yelling? It's cold outside. Why do people say 'a blanket of snow'? Blankets are warm, and there are several back in my room. I want all of them. Snow is cold. I'm indoors again. I feel sick again. Why am I here? Where is here? I need to run. Hands hold me down. This isn't heaven, is it? It better not be. I doubt I can go to heaven anyway, being the Alchemist traitor that I am. I don't think this is hell. Just floating. Maybe I'm halfway between heaven and hell. Walls are white like the snow. I know that voice. Rose? No, no juice, thanks. I haven't had a single calorie in… 65 hours now, and I am not about to quit, especially over something as stupid as juice. Why are you angry, Rose? You're not the one having juice shoved in your face. _

_Fight. Fight. Why? I don't want to. Adrian. Where is Adrian? I need him here. He would be sad, sad to see me like this. Yes, fight. Fight for Adrian. Fight for the only thing left in your life that is real. Okay, juice. Okay. Breathe. Fight breathe fight. Juice. Food? What? Think of it as air, just air. Maybe this will spike my metabolism just enough to take off another pound or so. That's all I need. Then I'll stop, I swear, I swear. And it's over. Rose, I don't know why you did that to me. That wasn't fighting. That was weak. I gave in. Fat. Lazy. I need to sleep. Go away. _

_I slipped under. _

I opened my eyes and stared around the room groggily. White walls, white sheets, dim lights, a sleeping boy curled up in a chair… Adrian? I didn't even realize I said his name out loud until he was startled awake.

"Hello, sunshine. Welcome back to the land of the living." He smiled, lips held tight. "You gave us quite a scare."

I was suddenly really thirsty. "Can I have some water?" I asked. He got me a cup and watched me gulp it down. I almost asked what happened, but realized that I needed to get out of the clinic and into my own bed before anything bad could happen. I didn't entirely know what had happened, or how I got there, or how many classes I had just slept through, but I could figure it out later. "I'm ready to go back to my room now. Thanks for waiting. " I started to sit up. Before I could go anywhere, Dr. Olendzki swept into the room, followed by a Moroi woman I did not recognize.

"Sorry, sweetheart," said Adrian. He did look genuinely sorry, but I still considered fighting my way past him and the two women. I didn't know what was going on but I knew that I _needed _to get out of there. My head started spinning again the moment I stood up. _Okay, time to sit back down, Sydney. Take a moment and gather your thoughts and then get out of here. This was all a misunderstanding. _

"Sydney, how are you feeling?" Dr. Olendzki asked kindly. I wanted to cry.

"Fine, thank you. I'm sorry about what happened this morning. I didn't drink enough water before my workout and I got pretty dizzy. I'll be more careful in the future and it won't happen again. I feel better. What time is it? I can still get to my afternoon classes, right?"

"It's 11:00, but you're excused from classes for the rest of the day. I want you to stay here at least until after lunch."

"Lunch?" Definitely time to get out of here. I stood up. Adrian slid his arm around my waist and gently pulled me back down to sit on the edge of the bed with him. Dr. Olendzki looked grateful to have his help. I should have been worried that she would notice that we were more than just friends, but I didn't have the energy to care.

"Yes, Sage, lunch," Adrian said. "It's what people do at this time of day. I'll even join you." He pulled his legs up so that he sat cross-legged on the bed and grinned at me. "It'll be like a picnic!" Coming from anyone else, that would have felt like an insult to my intelligence, but Adrian looked genuinely excited by the idea of a picnic in a hospital room. I felt a little bit guilty about glaring at him, but I did it anyway.

"Sydney, I'm Nicolette, one of the Academy's counselors," said the tall Moroi woman. "We're really concerned about you. You're quite underweight and clearly unhealthy. Your blood sugar was dangerously low today. It's clear that something is really wrong, and we're here to help you."

"Thank you for your concern, but I was just dehydrated. I know I'm a little bit thinner than most people think I should be. I'll make more of an effort to eat larger meals. I've been so busy and I forget that when I'm training more, I need to eat more. I'm naturally thin. Fast metabolism, you know." As a Moroi, Nicolette should understand that. But she didn't.

"Sydney, we've seen issues like yours before, and we have a plan in place to help you. Are you ready to hear it?"

She was going to tell me anyway, so I stayed silent.

"Your training will be suspended until Dr. Olendzki decides that you're healthy enough to return to it. You may still attend your classes, live in your dorm room, and spend your free time however you choose, as long as you continue to make progress in treatment. Rose and Adrian have offered to supervise your meals and snacks when they can. If neither of them are available, or if you don't want to eat with them, you need to come to the clinic to be supervised. We'll start with this meal plan—" She handed me a piece of paper. "—and make adjustments based on what your body seems to need. You will meet with me twice a week for counseling."

"I'm 18," I pointed out. "What if I don't want to do any of this?"

Nicolette gave me an uneasy look. "Well, we can't force you to do anything, but we can't allow you to stay enrolled as a student in this condition if you're not in treatment. If things get worse and you need to be in a long-term treatment program, we can help you find one in the human world. But Sydney, please stay and work with us."

The look on Adrian's face nearly broke my heart. His eyes were pleading for me to stay, but he wasn't using an ounce of actual compulsion. He respected me and the seriousness of my situation enough to not try it. Even if I did leave, where would I go? I had gotten myself into a terrible situation, and now I had to work with it. My Alchemist training told me to stay calm when backed into a corner like this. For now, I could try to cooperate with them.

"Okay," I said. "I'll stay. But I hope this meal plan is reasonable."

"It is," Nicolette promised. "A human hospital or treatment center would insist on much more food. We want work _with_ you, Sydney. Not against you."

My jaw dropped when I looked at the meal plan. _That _thing is reasonable? I flipped through it. Each day had a breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack. Food, all day every day.

As if she could read my mind, Nicolette spoke up. "Don't be overwhelmed by eating six times a day. It really will be easier on your mind and your body this way. And there are liquid supplements you can drink, similar to a smoothie, if you would like to replace one of your snacks with one of those. You do have a choice in this. We're not trying to take away all of your freedom."

I wasn't so sure about that.

I spent a long, boring day in the med clinic. Adrian brought me some homework to do. I was embarrassed to have cried in front of Rose that morning, so I willed myself to stay calm and focused on my homework. At 5:00, Dr. Olendzki cleared me to leave and sent me off to Adrian with just a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Apparently they had decided to go easy on me for the rest of the day.

"Where do you want to sit and eat?" he asked, leading me into his suite. "Table? It's buried under art supplies at the moment, but I could clear a place for you. You seem like an eat-at-the-table person."

His kindness made my eyes fill with tears. "Can we just sit in your bed?" I asked. He agreed that that would be a good idea. I was happy that I had finally gotten to shower after my morning run and my day in the clinic. I pulled off my sweatpants and climbed into Adrian's bed with him, curling up next to him in my Amberwood t-shirt and light blue cotton underwear. He drew me close to him in the bed, breathing in the scent of shampoo in my wet hair. I buried my head in his chest, filling my nose with the fresh scent of his cologne and resting my face against the soft cotton of his t-shirt. We froze that way, quietly lost in each other, all smells and textures, heartbeats and habits and the terrifying knowledge that we couldn't stay there forever.

Adrian put his hands on my cheeks, pressing my soft, layered hair to them. I pulled back so we could look at each other. "My beautiful girl," he murmured, soaking in the sight of me. "I wish I could give you a mirror that would only show you how I see you."

"What would I see?" I asked.

He studied me. "Brilliance," he answered. "A soft-spoken girl with a heart of gold who has no idea how brightly she shines. Eyes that have lost their sparkle but not their depth. That sparkle will come back to them. She's just a little lost right now, that's all."

"I'd show you brilliance too. A green-eyed boy who pushes back his own darkness to bring light to everyone he meets. He gets lost sometimes too. I'd show him lips that hold far too many cigarettes but are still soft enough to brush mine and leave me breathless and weightless."

Oh, those lips. They closed in on mine and the events of the day rolled away like the tide. This kiss was sweet, then turned fiery, giving me a head rush that felt even better than an empty stomach. I straddled him and smoothed his messy black hair, still kissing furiously. He slid his hand down my back, resting it on my thigh.

"We can't," he murmured when I came up for breath. "Not tonight. Not like this."

He was right. I rolled over, still leaning my head against his shoulder.

"Come on, sweetheart," he said. "It's almost 7. You have a sandwich to eat." He retrieved it from the nightstand and unraveled the plastic wrap that coated it, as though I were too young to do it myself. We sat in silence for the next half hour as he pulled the sandwich apart into bite-size pieces, one at a time, letting me take a break whenever I needed to. When it was over, he kissed the top of my head. It was early in the evening, but I was suddenly exhausted.

"Can I rest here for a little while?" I whispered into his chest.

"Of course," he answered. I closed my eyes and started drifting away. The darkness got darker when I heard him click off the light. I hovered there, my breathing heavy but my mind not quite asleep. Through my twilight haze, I heard him softly say, "I love you."

_Author's Note:__ Isn't Adrian the best? I wish I had had someone like him when I was going through what Sydney is going through! The next chapter (mostly Rose and Adrian) is one I've been looking forward to writing for awhile now. And the one after that, with Sydney and Adrian? That will definitely be fun to write. ;) _


	13. Chapter 12: Slizzered in the Blizzard

**Chapter 12: Slizzered in the Blizzard**

"Little dhampir, I have a proposition."

I should have known right then that this wouldn't end well. Adrian fell in step beside me as I walked to the upperclassman campus to teach my theory class. It was late January and the days were still short. The human genes in me longed for sunshine and the guardian in me was craving adventure. "Fine. What do you propose?" I had a sinking feeling that it had something to do with Sydney. She had only gained a few pounds since she started treatment, and she had a long way to go. We suspected she was finding ways to cheat. Sydney's intelligence made self-destruction that much easier for her. _It's sad_, I thought, _how talent can hurt people in so many ways_.

"I think it's about time for us to go on a road trip."

I was not expecting that. "To where? The liquor store three miles down the road?"

"Even better. I want to go clubbing. Missoula is no Los Angeles, but it'll have to do. I can't stay here, Rose. I'm going crazy."

"You weren't crazy before? We can't do that, Adrian. We don't have a car, for one. We can't just leave."

"Why not? We can walk into town and then take the bus! I took buses all the time when I lived in Palm Springs. Come on! You're not a student anymore. As long as you don't have any security shifts for one night, it doesn't matter." He grinned. "Above the rules, Rose."

Maybe my habit of acting responsible lately was just that: an act. The Rose Hathaway I knew would never turn down the chance for a reckless adventure. "Fuck it," I said quietly. "Sign me up. When do we leave?"

Adrian beamed. "We're catching a bus at 6pm. We'll have to wake up early, I know. But once we get to Missoula, we'll have time for dinner before we go bar-hopping." We had to split up at that point, him going off to art class and me to Theory.

"This better be good!" I called to him.

"Have I ever steered you wrong?" he hollered back.

I was groggy when we walked into town later after only a few hours of sleep. I wished we could party on our typical Moroi schedule, but that didn't work so well in the human world. If we tried to go to the Missoula bars in the middle of our night, we would just look like the alcoholics that we probably are. Adrian had our schedule planned in impressive detail. We could stay out late, catch an early-morning bus, and be back on campus around dinnertime in the Moroi world. Adrian also had a schedule of bar-hopping for us, which he was all too happy to share with me on the bus ride.

"I figured we should start casual," he said. "We can sit at a sports bar and just, you know, chill out. Eat cheeseburgers. And onion rings! Do you like onion rings? I think you're more of a fries girl. I'm going to get onion rings. There's only one real club in Missoula, near the university. We should work into it, so I found another bar for us to go to first. Then we're going dancing! And then we're going to a hotel bar. We can pretend we're hotel guests and drink in the lobby until we can catch the bus in the morning. Are you pumped? I'm pumped."

"I can see that," I said wearily. "Yes, I'm pumped. But I'd be more pumped if you would let me sleep for an hour."

He reluctantly shut up. I leaned my head against the window, grateful that my guardian training had taught me to sleep whenever I could, wherever I could. It seemed like only a minute passed before I woke up to Adrian shaking my shoulder like a little kid on Christmas morning.

"We're here! In the big city!" he told me. I snapped to attention, feeling surprisingly refreshed and ready to party. I prayed he wouldn't pick a city and start belting out a song about it.

Apparently, it had begun to snow while I was sleeping. It was already dark outside again, and the wind whipped at our faces as we walked through the streets of downtown Missoula, squinting at street signs. I was grateful when we reached the first bar. It smelled like a typical dive bar, with cigarette smoke and fried food and the sticky sweet smell of spilled beer. We settled into a booth, Adrian practically drooling over the mere thought of onion rings.

Away from the Academy, everything just seemed lighter. Our loud laughter blended in perfectly with that of the bar's other patrons, and we were right at home being just who we were. He was not Adrian Ivashkov, underachieving royal Moroi. I was not Rose Hathaway, reckless and controversial guardian. We were just two young adults living the dream for one night. Adrian had me nearly in tears of laughter when he shared his stories from high school, when he was at an Academy much like St. Vladimir's.

"Erin Badica was already on probation when security busted that party. She was supposed to get kicked out of school if she got caught doing something stupid one more time. But she had already knocked back ten tequila shots at this point, so when security opened the door, so she dove under a desk to hide. Strike one for Erin. She was wearing a t-shirt with the Academy's name on it and _still _decided to tell security that she went to a different school. I guess she forgot. Tequila will do that. Then she told them that she didn't have her ID—anything to keep them from writing down her name. She made a run for it, and we ended up hiding her in a stall in the boys' bathroom for awhile, then in Miles Tarus's room, because security was waiting outside her dorm room. She would _not _shut up until someone lent her a biology textbook so she could study."

He sipped his beer and shook his head. "That girl was the smartest teenage alcoholic I've ever met. She was also a little crazy. Mentioned something about how life wasn't worth it if she got kicked out of school, then locked herself in her room and wouldn't let anyone in for an hour. We were worried, but we shouldn't have been. As far as Erin Badica nights went, that was pretty typical."

"Did she get kicked out?"

"Nah, she talked her way out of it as usual. Smart, smart girl."

I knew that look in his eyes. "You hooked up with her, didn't you?"

He laughed. "Twice. She turned out to be a lesbian, but we were friends and I like to think she had a good time. Yes, Hathaway, I'm that good. Not that you would know."

After an awkward pause, he cleared his throat. "Well then. Shall we continue? We've got another bar to hit up before the club."

I nodded. "I'm in."

The snowfall was heavier now. My boots were not very practical for snow, and I kept sliding around the sidewalk. The bar was still packed with college students who were used to the bitter Montana winter and didn't let it stop them from having a good time. As a spirit user, Adrian has that natural charisma that just draws people in. Before long, we were taking shots with a group of sophomores, both guys and girls, from the University of Montana. I hadn't had so much fun since before Lissa and I left St. Vladimir's. It was like reliving my high school days in the best possible way.

On the way to the club, we were definitely tipsy. My arm was around Adrian's shoulder and his was gripping my waist. We slid down the street on the newly formed sheet of ice.

"Look at this!" he yelled, taking a running start and sliding into a tree. He hit it with a thud and scrambled to avoid a fall. I practically fell over too, I was laughing so hard. It suddenly struck me that I was outside after dark with a Moroi—a royal Moroi at that—and I didn't have a care in the world. I trusted that we would be safe, at least from Strigoi. Besides, I didn't have that nauseous feeling I get when Strigoi are nearby, which was impressive considering how much many shots I took at the bar.

The club reminded me of the ones I had visited in Russia when I was looking for Dimitri. I tried to shake off the memories. Adrian bought us more drinks at the bar.

"Now what?" I asked, sipping my rum and coke.

"Now we dance!" he yelled, pulling me onto the dance floor and twirling me around. It felt right. I caught myself wondering briefly what our relationship would have been like if I had managed to stay in one place long enough to make it work. If we could have touched each other in real life instead of just in spirit dreams. I pushed the thoughts out of mind. I'm in love with Dimitri. My hypothetical relationship with Adrian doesn't matter.

Dancing with him was really fun. He took to calling me Rosé, pronouncing my name like the wine instead of the flower. That was a new one. When we got tired of dancing, we sat at the bar, where Adrian ordered me a Blowjob shot and told me to pick up the shot glass with my mouth and swallow it. It was surprisingly tasty, and of course we found the whole thing hilarious. We stayed until last call, drinking and dancing.

At 3:00 am, we stumbled out the door, arm in arm. "My snow princess!" Adrian exclaimed, shoving a fistful of snow in my face.

"Asshole!' I retaliated, pushing him down on the sidewalk. Several feet of snow had fallen at that point, and the only (hopefully) sober people outside were the snowplow drivers. I flopped down next to him. "Let's make snow angels!" _I said the same thing to Dimitri a long time ago. It feels like forever ago, anyway. It was right after Mason's death, and we were on "official guardian business" in Idaho. They let me go with him because they felt bad for me, not because it would actually be a learning experience. We made snow angels and we stared at the sky and he told me that the same things can look very different as we change and grow. _

Adrian was already waving his arms and legs. "Rosé, what are you waiting for?" We flailed around, getting weird stares even from the other drunk partiers. When we had exhausted ourselves, we stared up at the sky, with thick flakes of snow landing on our eyelashes.

"Should we find the hotel?" I asked at last. "I'm sure we already look like hot messes. If we look too homeless, they might not let us in at all." It was sad but true. We clambered to our feet and set off in search of the Holiday Inn. According to Adrian, it was near the bus station and it had a bar. Even after drinking at the previous three bars, I was ready for round four. We settled into comfortable chairs in the lobby. I sipped my Grey Goose screwdriver, compliments of Adrian. Going out with a wealthy, royal party boy is really nice sometimes.

"So how was your night, my fair lady?" Adrian asked, casually sliding into a chair. "Did your wildest dreams come true?"

"It was the most fun I've had in a long time," I admitted.

He grinned. "Me too. I like rebellious little Hathaway. I haven't seen much of her lately."

"Hey, seeing the great Lord Ivashkov hold down a job has been a little weird too. Do you think Sydney noticed that we're gone yet? Doesn't she usually come looking for you to eat with her and sign off on her meal plan?"

His face darkened. "No. She mostly goes to the clinic. It was putting too much strain on our relationship, all of the fighting about food. But for all I know, she's just forging my signature." We met each other's eyes, figuring out the truth at the same time. "Shit," he muttered, sounding more defeated than angry. "That's _exactly _what she's been doing."

He drained the rest of his martini. "I'll be right back." I watched him stroll back to the bar for a refill. He didn't even seem drunk. It made me sadder than if I had seen him passed out on the lobby floor, because at least that would mean that his body and mind still responded to poison. At this point, Adrian's tolerance is so high that his body and mind seem to have just given up on feeling anything at all. I resolved to find some self-control and sipped my screwdriver slower.

Half an hour later, we walked to the bus stop. We were exhausted and we kept getting stuck in the snow. Snowplows couldn't keep up the roads, and nobody had bothered to shovel the sidewalks yet. There was no point in doing so. The snow was coming down harder than ever. When we got to the bus station, we looked up at the board. Every single route was lit up in red: CANCELLED.

"The _fuck_?" Adrian exclaimed, storming up to the ticket window. "When's the next bus out of here?" he demanded.

The lady looked exhausted. "Whenever we can safely send one out. The roads are too bad right now."

"But we need a bus!" I said stupidly.

"You and everyone else, honey," she said. I looked around the station. Sure enough, it was packed.

"Let's just go back to the hotel," Adrian decided. "We'll get a room and stay overnight. I don't like it either, but it's that or we sit in this shithole all night."

Avoiding the smell of the bus station was reason enough for me. It was just a hotel room. We didn't even have to sleep. It was no different than sitting in the lobby, really. Once again, I was grateful that money was a non-issue for Adrian.

In the room, I sat down on one of the beds, kicking off my shoes. "So. What now?"

He didn't answer, just paced back and forth, pausing to stare out the window. He clutched his fresh gin and tonic tightly, as if it held the key to discovering the meaning of life.

"Want to play truth or dare?"

No answer.

"Should we talk about Sydney?"

He spun around. "_No_, goddammit! I don't want to talk about Sydney!" His eyes were stormy, reminding me of the way the sky turns green before a tornado strikes. "I love Sydney. I love her so much that it hurts. But I can't be responsible for her all the time! I can't make her eat, I can't make her stop exercising, and I sure as hell can't make her care about herself!" He lowered his voice. "In my dreams, I lose her. Not in my spirit dreams, where I can occasionally reach her and hold her close, but in my normal dreams. Sometimes she's running away. Sometimes she's floating. Sometimes I just can't find her, no matter where I run or how loudly I call her name. And once? Once, she was dead."

He paused for air. "Sydney is supposed to be the responsible one, the one who steadfastly takes care of all of us. But she isn't. _I _am. Don't laugh, Rose." I was nowhere near laughing. "Nobody expects anything of me. Nobody except Sydney, and she _still _believes that I do nothing for anyone. But I take care of her, and I have to watch out for Jill. Everything is about them. I'm a fucking Moroi, and still _they come first_. The shadow-kissed Dragomir princess and the crazy ex-Alchemist who stole my heart. Well, no, she didn't steal it. I gave it to her. But that's the point, Rose—I give and give and nobody even recognizes it! I swear there is only one important person in my life who takes care of her goddamn self. You."

I had no idea how to respond to that. Thankfully, he continued.

"You're strong. You're brave in ways you don't even recognize, ways that have nothing to do with fighting Strigoi and everything to do with knowing who you are. You went back to a place that scarred you. A place where hardly anyone believed you were more than a party girl who wasted her incredible talent. I know what that's like. I know what it's like to have to claw your way to respect. The difference between us, Rose, is that you did it. You got your respect and now you answer to no one. I'd take care of you too, if you let me. Lord knows you still need it sometimes. Behind that badass guardian mask is a teenager who has been kicked down one too many times. But you can't just go around punching people anymore, so you take it out on yourself. You women, that's what you do. You internalize others' nasty words and their assumptions about who you are until you can't see anything else. I'd save you if I could, Rose, but you wouldn't allow it. You and me? We're the same. _That's _why we don't 'balance each other', or whatever the fuck you said when you broke up with me. We're one and the same, Rose. One and the same."

I stared at him, illuminated by the moonlight streaming in through the open curtains. The snow was falling softer now, making a soothing backdrop to the wounded animal of a man standing in front of me. I crossed the room and placed my hands on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. Wordlessly, I leaned into his shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around me. We stayed that way for what could have been minutes or hours, me pressed up against him and him squeezing me tightly. The ice in his gin and tonic began to melt, but he made no effort to let go of me and drink it.

"We can't stay here," I murmured. We couldn't stay in the hotel. I couldn't stay in his arms. We couldn't stay in our little bubble of painful intoxication that could no longer numb anything at all. My nerves were tingling back to life. My mouth was dry and my stomach ached.

"No, we can't," he agreed. Neither of us made an effort to move for several seconds more. He pulled away first and put his hands on my shoulders, studying me. "I love Sydney," he reaffirmed. "I'm sad and I'm frustrated, but I love Sydney. You know that, right?"

"I do."

"And you love Dimitri."

"I do."

He paused. Nodded. Kissed the top of my head. Dropped his arms. "We need to get out of Missoula."

"We do."

He picked up his phone and swore. "Five missed calls. I think I'm in trouble." He pressed redial. "Hey, sweetheart. Don't worry, everything is okay. I just—how does Latte hold up in the snow?"

Three hours later, we stood in the lobby, silent and nervous. Sydney's beloved brown Subaru pulled up to the curb. Adrian's eyes met mine. We were heading into the lion's den, and we knew it.

"Hey, love," he said, trying to kiss Sydney's cheek.

She pulled away. "You two," she said firmly. "Have a _lot _of explaining to do."

_Author's Note__: Well, this chapter turned out to be a bitch to write, but I think it turned out okay. It was heavier than I expected it to be. Most of their partying will have to be up to your imagination! I will say, though, that the story about Erin Badica may or may not be true and my real name may or may not be Erin. Just hypothetically. :P The next chapter is rated M. Excited? I am. And thank you for the reviews! Keep 'em coming. You guys are great. _

_The chapter title was inspired by "Like a G6" by Far East Movement. The song was popular when we had several consecutive snow days in college and "getting slizzered in the blizzard" caught on during weeklong parties. I considered lyrics from a few more serious songs—"Lua" by Bright Eyes, "Happiness" by Grant Lee Buffalo (reminds me of Adrian), and "Konstantine" by Something Corporate (reminds me of Rose's and Adrian's breakup). All of the titles I chose were too long, so you get a stupid one instead. _


	14. Chapter 13: Twenty Questions

**Chapter 13: Twenty Questions**

She knew we were in Missoula the entire time.

"Of _course _I knew! Why else do you think I called you five times in one afternoon? Am I some sort of crazy stalker girlfriend? No! But when I watched the Weather Channel and noticed that you two were in the middle of _a giant blizzard_, I thought I might offer to help," she ranted. "I couldn't find either of you, and where else would you have gone other than the city? You've both been so well-behaved; it was only a matter of time before you cracked. But who am I to tell you not to go? It would have been nice if you had shared your plans with me, instead of trying to _hide_ them." She sighed. "I'm glad you're safe. Really. But I'm still angry."

Secretly, I was overjoyed. I hadn't seen her show this much emotion in weeks. I would gladly be the target of her anger if it meant she stopped turning it inwards on herself.

"We're sorry, Sydney. Really. We shouldn't have done this. We won't lie to you again. We won't go off on any more adventures at all. That one was more than enough for me." I paused to glare at the back of Adrian's head before addressing Sydney again. "Hey, I didn't know you had Latte here! How did you manage that? Students aren't supposed to have cars."

A shadow of a smile crossed her lips. "He's been parked in a clearing in the woods just outside campus. I had a shovel in the trunk in case something like this happened and I had to dig him out of the snow."

"But how did you get outside the gates of the Academy?"

"Told the guardian I was on official business for Kirova. That's why it pays to be a good kid, Rose. People trust you."

"You're breaking the rules for us?" I was truly touched.

"Yeah, I am," she answered. "You owe me."

"Oh, Sage," Adrian teased. "We're really, really grateful, but you gotta admit you're having fun. You miss driving, and who wouldn't want to spend two hours in a car with me and Hathaway?"

"Me," she answered. "You two reek of alcohol. I think it's coming out your pores by now. And you look like hell. Yes, you too, Adrian." She pulled into a gas station. "We need to get you both some water bottles."

When we got back on the road after a quick break that included several cigarettes for Adrian, he and I were much happier. Sydney shook her head at us munching on gas station hotdogs made of mystery meat. We hadn't bothered to try to get her a snack, even a small one. We did owe her a favor, whether we liked it or not, and there was nothing she'd want more than a free pass to skip meals. Judging by her extra pale face and the way her hands shook a little bit on the steering wheel, she had taken full advantage of our absence and not eaten all day. Adrian kept casting nervous glances at her. I knew he and I would have to have a conversation in the near future. There was a strong possibility that I would be the one to confront her about forging our signatures.

After hiding Latte down the street, we trudged silently through the snow back to the gates. We were quite a trio. Adrian's eyes were bloodshot, his hair messier than usual, and he did indeed smell like a distillery. Sydney still wore a furious look on her face, her small body shivering in the cold. I ran a hand through my tangled hair and knew I couldn't look much better than either of them. My makeup was probably smudged to the point of looking like I had a black eye. The wind blew Adrian's cigarette smoke straight into my face and I didn't even complain.

"Did you run into a bear or something?" asked Daniel, the guardian at the gate.

I shrugged. "Or something."

Back inside the wards, I headed straight for guest housing. I expected Adrian to follow me, but he and Sydney kept walking without saying a word to me. I was happy to leave them to whatever conversation they needed to have. The less I was involved, the better. A warm shower had never felt so good. I had just changed into flannel pajamas and crawled into bed when my phone rang. I groaned. It seemed like forever since I had last slept, and the alcohol had long since worn off. But it was only dinnertime in the Moroi world, and Dimitri had no reason to think I'd be asleep.

"Hey Dimka," I answered. "How are you?"

"What's wrong?" he asked immediately. He knew me too well. "You sound exhausted."

There was no point in lying. "I may or may not have gotten stranded in Missoula because of a blizzard. I just got back. What have you been up to?"

"What were you doing in Missoula?"

"Nothing important. How was work today? What's the weather like there? Have you seen Lissa? I haven't talked to her in a few days. How is she?"

"Good try," he said. "How's the hangover?"

"It's fine. Are we done playing twenty questions now?" I snapped. My headache throbbed just behind my eyes and my stomach churned.

"No, we're not. Because I don't like how defensive you get. What's gotten into you, Roza? This isn't the woman I fell in love with."

"Well, are you going to leave me then? Because this is who I am." I knew I sounded stupid and I didn't care.

"Never. The last thing I want to do is leave you. You know what I want to do right now? I want to get on a plane to Montana right now and hold you tightly and tell you that everything will be okay. I don't know if that's true, and I don't know what demons you're fighting right now, but I do know that you shouldn't have to be alone."

"You can't. The runway is buried under all of this snow." I hoped he couldn't hear my voice crack. Tears were running down my face and I suppressed a sob.

"I know that," he said gently. "But if I could be there, I would. I'll let you go, Roza. Please just get some sleep."

He was being so sweet. I thought of my moment in the hotel room with Adrian and felt a fresh surge of guilt. My stomach heaved suddenly and violently. "I love you. I'll call you tomorrow." I hung up the phone before he could say goodbye, stumbled into the bathroom, and threw up on the floor. I stayed there on my hands and knees until I was done, then hugged my knees to my chest and fell to the other side. I had never been such a mess in my life, not even when Mason died and I killed my first Strigoi. I was just a blob of sadness and guilt and hangover, a puddle on the bathroom floor. I didn't know how any man could ever want me. It was all just too much.

_You're disgusting_, said the voice. _Just look at yourself, hungover and sick and undeserving of all the love you've been given. You're a slut, a bitch, a monster. Sit with the pain. You deserve it. _I pressed my face into the cold tile floor and sobbed. I pulled the bath mat over me like a blanket and crashed into the sweet relief of deep, dreamless sleep.

_Author's Note:__ Okay, I lied—turns out the next chapter will be the M-rated for sexytimes chapter. Not this one, clearly. I wanted a little bit of Rose's point of the view of the aftermath of the Missoula trip. Sydney's, the chapter I originally intended to write, is next. _


	15. Chapter 14: Like Water

_Author's Note__: This chapter may be triggering to readers with eating disorders. It briefly mentions specific behaviors that Sydney uses in treatment. If this will be harmful to you, __**please**__ take care of yourself and skip at least the first two paragraphs and go straight to the first line of dialogue. All that really happens before that is Sydney and Adrian walking back to her room, where he opens her closet door. The rest is just Sydney's thoughts. Those thoughts help to describe Sydney's reality to those who have not been through anything similar, but they are not crucial to the plot and can easily be skipped. Thanks! –E _

**Chapter 14: Like Water**

Adrian and Rose. Adrian and Rose together, in a hotel room, on a secret trip. I didn't think I had anything to worry about, and I'm not the clingy type of girl anyway. But the circumstances were suspicious. Mostly, I was just miffed that they hadn't even bothered to tell me where they were going. At least I took full advantage of their little adventure and managed to skip an entire day's meals _and_ go to the gym. Doing aerobics in my room every day was getting a little boring. I checked my weight before I left—my real weight, not the one I faked for my weigh-ins at the clinic twice a week. Before those, I always hid ankle weights under my pants and chugged enough water to make them think I had gained several pounds since starting their treatment plan, when in reality I had managed to lose a few. Adrian and Rose are lucky that the scale showed me a nice number right before I left for Missoula, or the car ride could have been a lot less pleasant for them.

When we got back to campus, Adrian took my arm and led me towards my own dorm, not to his. I was confused, but not too concerned. Maybe he just wanted to head in a different direction because Rose was going to guest housing. But he insisted on going all the way to my place. When we got to my room, I locked the door behind us and kicked off my shoes. I was about to ask Adrian to do the same, because he was tracking slush everywhere and I couldn't handle that. But he already had my closet door open and was going through my stuff.

"What are you doing?" I yelped. "Adrian! That's my closet! Get out of there!"

But he pulled out my scale. "What is this, Sage? You're not supposed to have this." His anger escalated quickly. "You want a scale? Fine! Have a fucking scale. Get over here and stand on it. I need to see the number. The _real_ number."

"That is none of your business!" I said indignantly.

"You made it my business when you started forging my signature on your meal plans. I don't know what else you're lying about and I can't get a straight answer out of you. I can't trust you, and that is not okay in a relationship. Come over here. Now."

Oh. He knew about the signatures. This was not going to end well. I took a deep breath and stepped on the scale. As soon as he saw the number and it registered in his mind, Adrian turned away. When he turned around again, the anger was gone and his eyes were filled with tears.

"Why do you do this to me, Sage?" he whispered. "I love you. I love you, and that scares the hell out of me. Look at yourself. No, _really_ look at yourself." He spun my shoulders around so that I faced the mirror. "See why I always think I'm going to lose you? See why I feel like I already have?"

I stared at my reflection and caught my own eyes. Dark circles broke through my concealer. My hair was thin and wispy. My skin was porcelain white with the slightest hint of yellow. I had never seen someone so sad—nobody except the man standing behind me.

I turned to face him again. "I see it," I said softly. "I see what you see now. Not the good part… but the dying part." The expression on his face nearly brought me to tears too. "But I see it in you, too. Your heart and lungs and liver must be screaming just as loudly as my stomach and my muscles are. We're too young for this."

He nodded gravely. "We're quite a pair, aren't we, my beautiful girl? A Moroi, a human, and a whole lot of misery. Love isn't enough. I'm not going to pretend that we can save each other. But it's a start."

Tears stung at my eyes. "Yes. Yes it is." We looked at each other with more vulnerability and honesty than I would ever have thought possible. Something shifted between us, like a wall of secrets crumbling. I don't know which one of us lunged for the other's lips first. We were so in sync that it might have been a tie. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he picked me up and wrapped my thighs around his torso. My back hit the wall with a thud as he pressed me against it and kissed me furiously.

Suddenly, he pulled away. "Should we, you know… talk about this?"

I grinned. "I think we've done enough talking for one day."

"But—"

"Adrian. What are you waiting for, the perfect time for my first time? Candlelight and a big, comfy bed? That's sweet, but that's not how it works. We're not the only ones dying. Everyone in this world is a little closer to dying with each passing minute. So we can wait until every little detail is perfect and risk losing the moment, or we can just do this. Time and place don't matter. Only the person does. And Adrian, I love you. I love you like I've never loved anyone before. I didn't know it was possible to love someone like this. Now are we going to do this thing or not?"

"You love me?"

"I love you."

He spun me around. "Say it again?" His eyes were alive again.

I laughed. "I love you, I love you, I love—"

His lips clung to mine. He took a step backwards and sat down on my twin bed, still holding me. I could feel him getting hard against my thigh, and I pushed him onto his back. We started unbuttoning each other's shirts at the same time, laughing when we got in each other's way. He couldn't wait to get me out of mine, and flung it over my head with the last two buttons still closed. This time, he didn't comment on my ribs. My problem has gotten pretty bad. I know it, he knows it, and I am still beautiful to him. _The truth shall set you free. _

I leaned forward to kiss his neck as he unclasped my pale pink bra and let it fall to the floor. I realized that my belt pressing into his erection couldn't be comfortable, and I hurried to take it off. He was quite happy to help, and he pulled my pants off without even unbuttoning them, then his own. My cotton bikini-cut panties, light pink to match the bra, hung loosely on my hipbones, and he easily slipped his pointer finger under the waistband. I was glad that I had thought to shave that morning, even though I had no idea he would be touching me there today. I gasped at the light touch of his fingers in exactly the right place, and he smiled.

"Good, right?" he asked, rubbing me in small circles, then up and down. When I was wet enough, he slid two fingers inside me, getting me accustomed to the feeling, never breaking the rhythm.

"Yes," I said breathlessly. He pulled his fingers out of me, giving my body a moment to settle down again. I eased his boxers down over his legs and took him into my mouth. I followed his lead, doing more of what made him moan louder. The dorm walls were paper thin, and I momentarily worried that others might hear. _Good_. _Let them hear_. Unexpectedly, the thought turned me on. I turned out to be pretty good with my tongue.

"Sydney, I can't hold out much longer," Adrian said after awhile. "Do you want to do this? Are you sure?"

I smiled. "Yes."

He leaned over, picked up his jeans, and reached into the pocket for his wallet. Thankfully, he had a condom in it.

I wanted to be quiet when he entered me, but I couldn't help but gasp at the pain. He pulled out quickly. I had wanted to avoid that.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Here, let me get you really wet again," he suggested. "It'll help." He touched me until my breathing grew faster, then slowly removed his fingers and entered me again. He thrusted, still being relatively gentle. It was much easier the second time, and I loved the thrill of it. I had never even touched myself. Every sensation was new to me. He took his time, making sure I was comfortable and happy. I was lost in bliss I had never felt before. Adrian held me delicately, keeping me on top. I think he was afraid of breaking me, but I doubted I could feel any pain at all in this state.

My first orgasm hit me hard. I felt it building in me, then my body hit a wall of pleasure like a wave crashing against a rock. I covered my mouth to keep from screaming, arching my back as the pleasure rolled through me. I lay there, tingling all over, breathing hard.

"What _was _that?" I asked.

Adrian cracked up, moving slower inside me now. "First one? Maybe feeling it again would help you understand it."

"I'm studying orgasms now?"

"Studying is what you do best, right?" He picked up the pace again, and I felt my muscles contract against him. Best teacher ever. When the second one hit, I curled my toes and tightened every muscle in my body, making the sensations even more intense. My reaction seemed to turn him on even more, and moments later, I felt him climax too. I could tell that it was killing him to stay quiet. Next time—which I hoped would be soon—we'd have to go to his place so we didn't have to be so quiet.

"Oh, wow," he said, pulling out and tossing the condom into the trash can next to my desk. I lay down next to him and contorted my body to fit his, pressed up against him. One of his hands was resting on my head, and the other was curled around the inside of my thigh. "That was—thank you, beautiful."

We were both sleepy from the long day and night. It took a lot for me to keep warm these days, with so little body fat, and I was shivering. He pulled the blankets up over both of us. "You should get dressed again," he said quietly, worriedly. "You're freezing."

"Just hold me," I whispered. "I'll be okay." And I was. The peaceful bliss wouldn't last, I knew, but it was real. And in that moment, it was all that mattered.

_Author's Note:__ I hope you enjoyed Sydney's first time half as much as she did! The chapter title is from "The Other Side of the World" by KT Tunstall. I recently read a guest blog post in which Richelle Mead talked about the songs that reminded her of several characters. The first stanza of this song reminds her of Sydney. I listened to it while writing much of this chapter. _


	16. Chapter 15: Progress Report

**Chapter 15: Progress Report**

"Would you two keep it down?" I hollered in the hallway outside Adrian's room. I was happy that my friends were happy, but I really didn't need to hear them going at it every night. I swear they hadn't kept their clothes on for more than a few hours at a time since we got back from Missoula two weeks ago.

I was in a bitchy mood anyway because I was really trying to cut down on my drinking, and sobriety made me irritable at night. It also made me hungry. I padded down the hallway in my slippers carrying a large plate of tacos. Cooking them helped me to pass the time, which was great, seeing as sobriety gave me killer insomnia along with the big appetite. I hoped that eating them would cheer me up. Nothing sounded better than a nice gin and tonic, but tacos are really, really good.

I sat cross-legged on my bed, happily munching on my snack—okay, my fifth meal of the day at this point—and grading Theory exams. One advantage of being sober at night was being more productive. I quickly realized that my emotions surrounding my students' grades weren't a product of my drunkenness. I really _did _care that much. Their grades would affect their assignments after graduation, and I was especially rooting for the ten in my training group to get top marks in everything they did. And, of course, I cared tremendously about Polina. As I had suspected, she was pretty smart when she wanted to be, and Alex and Brooke had the best grades in the class. However, I wasn't impressed with everyone.

"Hey, Haley," I said, practically sneaking up behind a small group of dhampirs on their way to the locker rooms after practice. She jumped. "Can I talk to you, please?" I was actually in a good mood that morning, even after a less-than-stellar practice with the human novices that ended in Anna running out of the gym in tears after taking a particularly hard hit to the ribs. My dhampir students kept giving Happy Rose weird looks, and they practically ran to the locker rooms as soon as practice ended, probably afraid that my good mood was going to come crashing down. It didn't, but it still wouldn't be a great morning for Haley Morena.

Dominic was holding her hand, and he gave it a quick squeeze. "I'll wait for you outside," he said. She nodded and followed me back into the gym.

"I didn't start it, I swear!" she blurted out. "I dyed my hair and Quinn thought the color looked stupid so she was being a bitch about it. And I didn't even hit her! Not hard, anyway. It was more of a shove. A gentle shove."

"What?"

Haley looked horrified. "Oh… you didn't know about that."

"I—whatever, just don't do it again. Want to tell me what happened to your Theory grade instead?"

"Nothing! There's nothing wrong with a C. It's average. Passable. What's that saying that college students use? 'C's get degrees.' C's get promise marks too. An occasional C won't hurt me."

"We're not talking about math class!" I put my hands on my hips and glared daggers at her. "Bodyguard theory is just as important as physical toughness. If you're not guarding your Moroi properly, you won't have time to put your physical training to good use, because Strigoi will snap your neck in an instant." I snapped my fingers for emphasis. "I've seen it happen."

_Mason's bright blue eyes went blank in an instant. And it happened because he loved me, or thought he did. He put his feelings above his guardian duties, and I risk doing the same thing every day because I love Dimitri. Love can hurt anyone, but love between guardians? Love like that can be deadly. _

Haley looked terrified. Good.

"Look," I said exasperatedly. "I know about you and Dominic. And I wish I could be happy for you. If you're going to say that your relationship is none of my business, don't bother. If it's affecting your work—and trust me, it is—then we need to talk about it. I talked to some of your other instructors—don't give me that look—and my class is not the only one you're struggling in."

To my surprise, her eyes were filling with tears. I didn't think I had been _that _harsh. Haley usually took my criticism pretty well. "I want to do well," she practically whispered. "But I'm too far behind now. It's not Dominic's fault. School doesn't come naturally to me. I used to study all the time to pull off A's and B's, but when I started spending more time with Dominic, I stopped putting in the hours. And now I'm so far behind. Even if I do well in my field experience—and I can't guarantee that I will, even though I'm pretty good in training—my grades will really hold me back, and it's going to be so embarrassing, and—"

"Stop," I said firmly, putting my hands on her shoulders. "You're not going to fail. You said it yourself. You can get decent grades when you put in the time and effort. You don't have the self-discipline to do it now? Fine. We can work on that. You're not too far behind. One rough semester won't ruin your career. You've been slacking for a month. I was gone for two years, and when I'm not here at the Academy, I'm a guardian for the queen."

"Yeah, but you're Rose Hathaway," she said sullenly.

"And you're Haley Morena. Someday, that's going to mean something. To me, it already does. Meet me in the library every day at 6:00 from now on. Bring your homework. All of it, not just your Theory homework. I'll help you, but I don't think you need it. You just need some structure, that's all. Take some time after school to rest or whatever, then eat a good dinner, then do your homework. I'll stay with you and keep you on track until you get in the habit. Got it?"

She nodded and turned around to leave. When she was almost to the door, she turned back.

"Rose?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

It was the first time I had ever heard that word after lecturing a student, and it may very well be the last. As I watched her leave, I couldn't help but hope that she never had to choose. Honor, power, love… I wanted her to have it all. Guardians always risk dying young, but we make so many unseen sacrifices along the way. I learned about sacrifice when I was 17. Most dhampirs don't, not until they get out in the world and realize there's something missing in their lives. I love being a guardian, but at that moment, I just wanted to put all of the novices in a bubble and never release them to the world.

My schedule had gotten beyond crazy. I was in the gym at 5am to work with Polina one-on-one. She had surpassed the human novices so much that it was just insulting to keep her in the class with them. She had caught up to her dhampir classmates too, but I wanted more from her. She trained one-on-one with me in the morning, worked on conditioning or homework during the human class, went through her entire school day, then spent the afternoon back in the gym. I knew her body and mind had to be exhausted, but Polina was tough. She never got hurt, never complained, and never let her grades slip. I couldn't be prouder. Now that I was supervising Haley's studying after practice with the humans and then with Polina, I was mostly catching a few hours of sleep when everyone else did and then a few more hours during the school day. It wasn't ideal, and, well, my frustration had to go somewhere.

"How many times did I tell you not to twist like that when someone grabs you?" I yelled. I was halfway through morning practice with the human novices on a Wednesday, and the tears were already flowing. This time, they were from Elodie. She was sprawled out on the mat, clutching her shoulder. I assumed it was nothing. I shouldn't have—Elodie was easily the toughest and fiercest of my human novices. But I had recently replaced my nightly alcohol habit with late-night coffee, even though I had never been a coffee drinker. The result was very little sleep before morning training sessions, and I was being slightly bitchy.

She still wasn't standing up. Reluctantly, I knelt down on the mat to check the shoulder. Sure enough, it was dislocated. I drew in a breath. "Hey, it's okay," I said soothingly, putting a hand on her head. "Stay calm." My mind was racing. I could pop it back in myself, but she would need a sling anyway, and I wanted her on painkillers. Yeah, a trip to the med clinic was in order, and I couldn't let her walk there alone when she was sobbing like that. I could make Zach take her, seeing as he had just pulled out her shoulder, but then half of my class would be gone. And I was actually impressed with Zach's strength, although it really wasn't the time to tell him that. I decide that I might as well just take Elodie to the med clinic myself.

She stopped crying soon after we left the gym.

"El, I'm sorry," I offered. "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I didn't realize you were hurt that badly."

If looks could kill, I'd be screwed. "You shouldn't have yelled at me at all."

We walked in awkward silence after that. I quickly turned her over to the doctor and followed the sound of two familiar voices down the hallway.

"Adrian, stop it, I'm serious!" Sydney was giggling. Now that was a sound I never thought I'd hear, especially at breakfast time. She had to eat all of her meals supervised in the med clinic now, but Adrian and I were welcome to join her.

"What's up?" I asked, strolling into the room and throwing myself into a chair.

"Oh, nothing." Sydney smiled. "Aren't you supposed to be teaching class or something?"

I rolled my eyes. "Nope, I'm done for now. Zach somehow managed to dislocate Elodie's shoulder. I swear they do these things on purpose just to annoy me."

I was joking, but apparently Sydney didn't find it funny. "I wish you'd be nicer to them. To us. We try, you know. And it would be a lot easier to ask questions if everyone didn't have to be so scared of you."

"I'm not scary," I argued. "Strigoi are scary. Underprepared guardians—even human ones—are scary. I just do what I have to do, that's all."

"What do you mean, 'even human ones'?" Sydney asked, eyes narrowing. Adrian was starting to look really uncomfortable, and he was probably angry with me for upsetting Sydney while she was supposed to be eating.

"Look, it's nothing. I didn't mean anything by it. I gotta go. Still teaching first period." I stood up to leave. "See you guys later?" Based on the way they were looking at me, they needed some time to cool down. Maybe about a year. I checked my watch. I could stop quickly to see how Elodie was doing, but I really wanted to start setting up the gym for first period's training exercise so we didn't have to waste class time doing it. I hurried away, running through the exercise in my head, lost in my own thoughts. I would apologize to Sydney later. And to Elodie. And to Zach. And maybe even to Adrian. It would probably be more efficient to just stand in the middle of the quad and shout my apologies to the universe.

A week went by, and things seemed to be on the upswing. Sydney was finally allowed to come back to practice, as long as she didn't do any conditioning. Basic hand-to-hand combat didn't burn nearly as many calories and was more important to her training. She picked up as if she had never left, with a ferocity and energy I had never seen from her before. Elodie's shoulder was healing nicely. All of my human novices looked like they were less likely to kill me. I hummed as I walked back to my room, ready to take a shower and a nice nap. Because the world _still _seems to hate me, I found a note taped to my door.

_Guardian Hathaway—_

_Come to my office at 1:00. _

_-Headmistress Kirova. _

Well, shit. I didn't know what she wanted, but whatever it was, it couldn't be good.

I didn't even have time to blow-dry my hair before my appointment. I threw together a halfway decent outfit and practically ran to her office.

"Sit down, Guardian Hathaway."

I looked around the room and saw that we weren't alone. Alberta Petrova stood against the wall. She looked as stern as ever, but I could see a flash of sadness in her eyes. Maybe disappointment.

"Do you know why you're here?"

"No. I honestly don't." It was true. What could I have possibly done except—_wait. Shit. Missoula. _

Kirova saw my eyes widen as I figured it out. "And how old are you, Hathaway? Are you 21?"

Yep. Busted. "No. I'm 18." There was no point in lying when she already knew the answer. The bitch just wanted to make me say it.

"And what is the legal drinking age in this country?"

Bitch, indeed. "21."

"And is it appropriate for an instructor at this Academy to run off with her lover to use drugs and drink alcohol underage?"

"My _lover_? Never mind the fact that I wasn't doing drugs; are you seriously calling Adrian my 'lover'? There is nothing, _nothing_ going on between me and Adrian Ivashkov. I am happily in a relationship with Dimitri Belikov, and he is happily with Sydney Sage." Shit. I shouldn't have mentioned his relationship with Sydney. Kirova's eyebrows raised, but I plowed ahead. "Not that it's any of your business who I do or don't date."

"Rose," Alberta said warningly. I got the feeling that she was on my side here, and she was also right.

I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. Really, I am. It was a mistake, and it won't happen again. I don't want to set a bad example for my students—wait, how do you even know about this?"

"That is not important," Kirova said stiffly. "What we need to talk about…"

I tuned her out. _Adrian wouldn't have gotten us caught. He isn't that stupid. Sydney would never tell. She wouldn't want to get Adrian in trouble or herself, since she came to rescue us. But this is St. Vladimir's, where the truth always comes out. And when it does, it's horribly distorted, and students end up thinking I fucked Adrian in a crack den and—_that was it. Not the crack den. The students.

I stormed out of Kirova's office after being put on a probation of sorts that wasn't even a real thing for instructors. Besides, have I ever had a clean record? She just wanted to yell at me. And I wanted to do some yelling of my own.

As soon as I saw my human novices, any doubt I may have had had about their guilt evaporated on the spot. They were the ones who turned me in. I had them sit on the gym floor in front of me. I had always felt strong around this bunch. But what did quick reflexes matter when the attacker wasn't a Strigoi? Who cares how many _molnija_ marks I have when I'm just as vulnerable to words as anyone else is? My senses and my muscles couldn't save me from the pain of being stabbed in the back.

I didn't even know where to begin. Staring at them seemed to be effective enough for now. Anna's face was even paler than usual. Elodie wouldn't meet my eyes. Sydney was sitting as far away from the others as she could. Zach looked sick. I had to say something.

"I'm not a warm and fuzzy mentor," I began. "I'm aware of that. Do you think I enjoy yelling at you? I don't. Do I take it too far sometimes? Absolutely. My own mentor was not the warm and fuzzy type, but he has self-control that I don't. I'm learning. I'm learning to be better—a better person, a better teacher, a better guardian. But learning, as you know, takes time. And just as I should have been more patient with you, you should have been more patient with me.

"When you're training to be a guardian, everyone talks about bravery. Skill. Vigilance. Dedication. You know what they don't teach us? Honor. We deal with life and death, and somehow honor gets left out of the curriculum, leaving it up to individual teachers like me to emphasize it. And what you all have taught me today is that I failed you.

"I did not fail you by taking a trip to Missoula. I will not justify the rumors by explaining what did and did not actually happen. Because none of that is important. Do you understand? _None of that is important. _I can see that I failed to teach you honor because instead of coming to me with your problems, you got into an issue that was not your business, twisted a shred of truth to make me sound like a raging crack whore, and stabbed me in the back."

Tears sprang to my eyes, startling me. They were hot, angry tears. I was already too humiliated and broken to care that I was showing weakness in front of them.

"Do you want me gone? Is that what you want?" I tried to keep control, but I was getting hysterical. "Fine. _Fine! _Your message is loud and clear. I don't care what you do. I did care, and I'm sorry if I didn't show it. I'm sorry that whatever I did wasn't enough for you. Maybe you would have been great guardians. Maybe you wouldn't have been. But we'll never know. You've seen to that. I hope you're happy with yourselves. What did that do for you, exactly? To slander another person, your instructor, behind her back? Do you feel good now?"

Elodie shook her head almost imperceptibly. Anna hugged her knees to her chest, eyes tearing up like mine.

"And _really_," I continued. "Did you think, for a second, that you could fucking _hurt me_ with what you did? Do you know what I've been through at this place?" I was screaming now. "I spent my entire time here being called a slut, a whore, a drunk. An easy, wild, reckless _slut_. Do you think there's _anything_ you can say about me that I don't already believe about myself?"

My chest burned with a fury I could not fully understand. It was high time for me to do something else reckless. I lowered my voice. "You want me gone, I'm gone. I'm going to Kirova's office right now and resigning. I'm getting out of here. I'm going back to Court, where I can still find a shred of respect." I turned and stormed off.

"Don't go!" squeaked a voice behind me. I pivoted. _Anna__**? **_I didn't know her voice could go above a whisper, but there she was, standing up. "Please, Rose. Don't go. We're sorry. We are so, so sorry." The other novices nodded. "We were wrong. We were frustrated, and we were hurting, and what we did was wrong. You're a great teacher. We need—we need to be tougher. We signed up for this, after all."

Zach stood up. "I understand if you want to go. What we did was horrible. But I hope you stay and teach us. I think we're finally getting somewhere. I've never felt so strong in my life. I may not have the reflexes of a dhampir, but I really believe I can do this. If you leave now, it's all going to be a waste."

Elodie pushed herself up off the ground using her good arm. Her shoulder was healing nicely and she could use it, but it wasn't 100%. "We need you. You don't need us. You're awesome without us, but Rose, we need you."

I looked at Sydney. "You know I love you," she said simply, still sitting on the floor. "For an evil creature of the night, you're pretty incredible. That's all."

"Do you really want me to stay? _Really?_"

They murmured "yes."

I paused. "Then fight me. You have to fight me, and you have to win." I jumped into a defensive stance. They stared, trying to figure out if this was some sort of trap to get them in trouble for attacking a teacher. "What the hell are you waiting for?" I bellowed. "If I were a Strigoi, you'd all be—"

I was interrupted by Elodie's body crashing into mine. I flipped her over my shoulder and was about to slam her to the ground when Zach's fist made contact with the side of my head. I dropped Elodie. With reflexes I didn't know she had, she twisted her body in the air in order to fall on her good arm and jumped up, ready for another go. My vision was blurring from Zach's hit. Anna used her height to manage an impressive kick to my chest. Just as she did so, little Sydney leapt onto my back, using her body to help pull mine down and jumping out of the way just before she hit the ground. The result was a hard fall that knocked the wind out of me. I'd have to congratulate her and Anna later—that was a really creative combination of moves.

But I was too fast and too accustomed to being thrown around. I was up again in an instant, though still winded, and sensed Elodie getting ready to kick the back of my knee out from under me. I kicked her first. I considered holding back a little bit and trying not to hurt them, but they were fierce. I was getting kicked and punched from all sides, but nobody was really making a move to take me down—and then Anna came out of nowhere. I doubled over to protect my abdomen as her foot headed for it. Zach charged at me, scooped me up while I was still hunched over, and threw me to the ground. Sydney dove for my legs, using her body to keep mine down. I tried to roll to the side, crossing my arms over my heart, but Sydney grabbed my shoulders and twisted me around. Elodie went in for the kill. She straddled my hips, pressed her left arm against my throat, and held a curled fist just above my heart as if she were about to stake me.

I looked her in the eyes. They were flashing, fierce, and triumphant. Her mouth quivered, like she didn't know whether to whoop with joy or to cry.

"Fine." I said weakly. "I'll stay."

_Author's Note__: Coming up next: Dimitri, Rose, Adrian, Sydney, Christian, and Lissa go to a familiar vacation spot for the weekend. The fact that I just accidentally typed "coming up sex" instead of "coming up next" pretty much says it all. _


	17. Chapter 16: Thin Walls and Cannonballs

**Chapter 16: Thin Walls and Cannonballs**

"Seriously? Oh my god! Really? We're really going?" I sounded like the teenage girl that I sort of am.

Dimitri laughed. "Yes, seriously. Do think I'd joke about something like this? You'd kill me if I got your hopes up for no reason."

I called Lissa immediately after hanging up with Dimitri. I figured that she was the one to thank for this trip, being the queen and all. We were going to spend the weekend at a fancy Idaho ski resort for wealthy Moroi. I had been there once before, during my winter break as a senior, right after the Badica massacre and right before Mason's death. I hoped I could make new memories there. It really was a great place.

But Lissa was just as surprised as I was. "Actually, I just found out about it too. Christian told me about it today. Weird, huh? But he booked a room for Adrian and Sydney too. Rose, this is going to be so much _fun_!" We chattered about what we were going to do and wear and see. Even when I hung up the phone for the night, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.

_Friday afternoon_

I stood on the runway with Sydney, Adrian, and our luggage. Adrian would not shut up about going swimming. Sydney, who was starting to look slightly healthier (though still underweight), was not thrilled about wearing a swimsuit.

"I didn't even bring one to campus! I don't own a swimsuit!" she protested.

"You can buy one there!" Adrian exclaimed. "They have a store! You can buy lots of things there… cashmere sweaters… bikinis… fancy dresses… maybe something else fancy for when the dresses come off…"

"Adrian, stop it, you're freaking her out," I chastised. "Syd, you don't have to wear anything you don't want to wear. But I've seen those pools, and honestly they're pretty great. And at this time of the year, the resort won't be too crowded. Hardly anyone will see us anyway."

The flight was short, but Adrian and I still managed to sneak a couple drinks each. I had been so good lately, and hey, it was vacation. A short vacation. After that week, I had earned both the vacation and the drinks. I was bruised all over from the four-way attack by my human novices. Every step hurt a little bit, but it was so worth it. I knew we had really turned a corner. Mutual respect was already making such a difference in the gym.

The plane from Court had arrived that morning, and the rest of our party met us in the lobby of the hotel. I actually ran to Lissa first, squeezing her as tightly as I could. Neither of us said a word, just held each other like we hadn't been together in years. When she released me, I turned around and was met with a long, slow kiss from Dimitri.

I heard a cough behind me. "Get a room."

I hugged Christian, catching him off-guard. "Nice to see you too," I said.

After a long day of school, work, and travel, none of us were in the mood to get dressed up for dinner. We decided to just get comfortable, order room service, and hang out. Of course, Christian insisted that we play May I, a card game that is slightly fun if you're winning and really, really frustrating if you're not.

"Noooo, I wanted the Ace of Spades!" I whined, sitting on the floor of Lissa's and Christian's room. Adrian just laughed and took my card. I curled my knees into my chest and took a bite of my chicken parmesan, hugging the plate and giving Adrian sad eyes.

"Good try," he said. "But I'm still taking the card."

"Whatever," I said. "I want to go in the hot tub." Lissa and Christian had the most elaborate suite in the entire resort. It spanned two stories. The second floor balcony gave them a great view of the sun rising over the mountains, and the first floor patio had an in-ground hot tub that looked more like a small swimming pool. Both were entirely hidden by pine trees, making them private.

Adrian's ears perked up. "Wet t-shirt contest?"

Sydney gave his arm a light punch. "Nobody is having a wet t-shirt contest."

Lissa leaned back on her elbows and crossed her ankles. Her second cocktail was nearly empty. As queen, she didn't get to drink very often, and her tolerance was lower than it used to be. I didn't need the bond to tell me that she was getting a little tipsy. That made two of us. Okay, it made four, if you include Adrian and Christian.

"Well," she said. "There's no need for a wet t-shirt contest if there are no t-shirts involved." She pulled her light blue sweater over her head, revealing a bra in a rich shade of purple. Christian immediately snapped to attention, but Lissa turned to me. "Rose?"

I didn't need to be told twice. I stood up and flung off my own shirt. "Hot tub!" I yelled. I pulled off my jeans as well, grabbed my drink, and made a run for the patio in my black lace bra and panties. Lissa downed her drink and managed to get out of her jeans and out to the patio with me. We left the door open, allowing a gust of cold wind to brush over everyone else.

The hot tub was more than big enough for all six of us. In fact, Lissa and I had already begun swimming small laps around it. "Dimitriiiii!" I sang. He shook his head, but couldn't hide the smile on his face as he followed Christian outside. Adrian looked after them longingly.

But Sydney was already wrapping herself in Dimtri's duster. "Aren't we going to go outside? I'm not swimming, but we don't have to sit in here by ourselves either."

Adrian beamed. He couldn't get out of his clothes fast enough. Dimitri, on the other hand, was about to do a cannonball into the hot water fully clothed. He got a running start and flew through the air with perfect form, landing smoothly in the center of the pool. I had never seen anything like it. He sputtered when he came up for air and swore in Russian.

"That's hot," he observed.

"The water's not the only thing that's hot," Christian said, attempting to sound sexy as he wrapped his arms around Lissa's waist and kissed her neck. I just rolled my eyes. The hot water was loosening my tight muscles and soothing my aches and pains from training. I closed my eyes and breathed in the fresh air, loving the way my body tingled. I opened my eyes to find Dimitri studying me, pure adoration in his eyes.

Sydney had taken off the duster and rolled up her pants. She sat on the edge of the hot tub, absentmindedly kicking her legs and watching the rest of us make fools of ourselves. She didn't notice Adrian pushing off the bottom of the pool and grabbing her forearms, pulling her into the water.

"You are in _so _much trouble!" she yelped, making no move to get out of the pool.

"You looked cold!" Adrian protested. Even Sydney couldn't help but loosen up, accepting that she was standing fully clothed in the craziest hot tub any of us had ever seen. Adrian found the control panel for the jets and multicolored lights. I sat on a ledge and enjoyed a back massage from the jets, watching rainbows dance over my feet.

Dimitri swam over to me. "Beautiful, isn't it?"

I thought of our friends, the landscape, the pretty lights. "Yes," I answered. "It's perfect."

To my left, tipsy little Lissa had settled into Christian's lap and was kissing him as though nobody else were in the pool. Or in the universe. I saw his hand slide off her thigh and gently brush the area between her legs. She twitched when he touched her.

"Alright, we should probably go back to our rooms," I said loudly. Lissa and Christian kept making out. His hands, thankfully, had moved to her lower back—for now, anyway. Awkward though the situation was, it was nice to see Lissa being a normal eighteen-year-old making out with her boyfriend in public. She moved in even closer, wrapping her ankles around his. Yeah, it was definitely time to leave.

Back in my own room, clothed in warm flannel pajamas, I snuggled up next to Dimitri. I was soothed by the weight of the down comforter and the steady sound of his heartbeat. Before he even leaned over to turn off the light, I was well on my way to sleep.

_Saturday Morning _

"Good morning, sweetheart."

I awoke to a kiss on the forehead. Groaning, I rolled over. "What time is it?" Because this was a Moroi resort and we slept during the daytime, the curtains were thick and designed to keep out sunlight. Dimitri stood next to the bed, dressed in athletic shorts and a form-fitting workout shirt.

"It's 7:30." He threw a granola bar at my head.

"Ow! What was that for?" I pushed the granola bar off my forehead and onto the pillow.

"I want to go check out the gym. Eat that before our workout. We'll have brunch with the others when they wake up."

His enthusiasm was just contagious enough to get me out of bed and into my workout clothes, a tank top and spandex yoga pants. It was a far cry from the sweatpants I used to wear for our workouts when I was a student. When he held the door open so I could walk in front of him, I'm pretty sure he wasn't doing it just to be nice. I turned around and gave him a teasing smile just to watch him try to avert his eyes quickly. He usually has a great reaction time. My ass must be pretty distracting.

Because it was at a Moroi resort, the gym did not see a lot of use. Still, like everything else in the place, it was elaborate. Dimitri and I didn't use any of the fancy machines. It had been way too long since the last time we just fought hand-to-hand, and I knew he missed it as much as I did. We positioned ourselves on the mats, each jumping into a defensive stance and waiting for the other to make the first move. As usual, I jumped into action.

And as usual, he dodged my first punch. We sparred for quite awhile. Fighting him was still more difficult than fighting anyone else in the world, including Strigoi, because we could read each other so well. Thankfully, fighting Dimitri was also a lot of fun. After the hot tub and a restful sleep in the luxurious bed, my body was up to the challenge.

Dimitri won the first round, and I won the second. Our deal was that whoever lost two out of three would buy brunch. It was a silly deal to begin with, because Lissa would pay the entire bill before any of us could protest. But we both thrive when we have something to lose, and it makes our workouts more productive and our battles more exciting. As it turns out, we never quite got to the third round.

I had him pinned on the mat and made the mistake of catching his eyes. _Dammit_. This kind of contact rarely ended in good behavior. Dimitri was clearly having similar thoughts. My hair was in a messy ponytail now, and he reached up to twirl a piece of it around his finger. I smiled down at him and leaned forward to kiss him. Dimitri put both hands on my ass and squeezed it.

"I've been wanting to do that all morning," he confessed.

I laughed. "I know."

All it took was one more glance at each other and I had rolled off him and jumped to my feet just as he did. He followed me into the men's locker room. Thankfully, it was as empty as the gym, and it was the cleanest, fanciest locker room I had ever seen. The marble floors gleamed, and the shower stalls looked more like private rooms. I pulled him into a stall and turned on all three shower heads. I didn't know what each one did and didn't want to waste time figuring it out. Different amounts of pressure hit our bodies from three sides. Our clothes were already wet when we threw them over the top of the shower stall. It meant that at least one of us would have to get out naked to retrieve them when we were finished, but at least they would serve as a warning sign to anyone who wandered in.

"Oh, Roza," he breathed. I could smell a hint of sweat on him, fresh from the fight. It was intoxicating. He pulled the ponytail holder out of my hair and I shook my head so that it fell around my face and down my back. Dimitri bent down to tease my breasts with his tongue, nipping at one just a little bit. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, loving the feeling of his hands on my hips. Dispensers on the walls held all sorts of fancy shampoos and soaps. I wondered what the showers in the women's locker room were like. With shampoo on his hand, Dimitri began to massage my head, sliding his fingers through my hair and kissing me slowly. I soaped him up too, running my hands over the contours of his body. He moaned softly when I reached his most sensitive places.

When we were all cleaned up, we put on some fluffy, white bath robes and grabbed our workout clothes.

"Come on," he said. "I have an idea." We walked out of the men's locker room and back into the gym like it was no big deal. The elderly Moroi man lifting weights gave us a scandalized look, and it was hard for me not to burst out laughing. We crossed the gym, and Dimitri tugged on the handle of a door set off to the side. To our delight, it opened, revealing a massage table, candles, and various creams and oils. I smiled.

We dropped our clothes and untied each other's robes.

"Should we light a candle?" I asked jokingly.

He didn't answer, just pushed me up against the wall, took my face in his hands, and started kissing me furiously. I responded instantly, never one to be caught by surprise. Our hands moved downward on each other's bodies, exploring them as if it were our first time all over again. We rarely went through this much foreplay. I loved it and yet I could hardly stand it. I was as aroused as I could possibly be without going over the edge. He kept me there, in a constant state of bliss, never quite letting me climax. He had always been the one with self-control.

When we finally moved to the massage table, things got a little more difficult. It was a narrow table to say the least. He took the top, and as he thrust faster and faster, we forgot to concentrate on balancing. He pulled out just as we started to fall, gripping each others' arms.

"Fuck!" I yelled instinctively, hitting the ground with a thud.

"Happily." Dimitri entered me again, never missing a beat. I had fallen pretty hard, but if anything, it excited my body and mind even more. Typical guardian reaction, I guess. When I hit my peak, I screamed. The feeling of me clamping down on him made him come too, evoking the same sort of animalistic noise soon after mine. We lay on the floor, breathing hard.

"Great idea, Belikov," I said dryly.

"Sex bruises are good bruises, my dear. Come on, it's almost time to meet the others for brunch."

"At least we already showered."

When we casually strode out of the massage room, several heads whipped around to face us. Apparently the room was not soundproof. All seven people who were now in the gym had heard Dimitri Belikov make me scream.

I smiled. "Nice morning, isn't it?"

Dimitri just shook his head, grabbed my arm, and dragged me out of the gym.

_Saturday Brunch_

Rose was glowing. I knew that look. Her cheeks weren't flushed just from her morning workout—well, not from most people's definition of a workout, anyway. I smiled knowingly as she gingerly sunk into a chair. I was a little sore too after my wakeup call from Adrian that morning. Maybe my body would have preferred a smaller boyfriend, but there are worse problems to have than one who makes you—I had to stop thinking about him. I could already feel myself getting aroused. Adrian put one hand on my leg under the table, dangerously close to my inner thigh.

His hand was comforting. The anticipation of food quickly distracted me from my sexy daydreaming, and I could feel my heart rate increasing just from looking at the buffet. The others were talking excitedly, oblivious to my anxiety.

"Do you want me to make you a plate, or do you want to do it yourself?" Adrian asked quietly.

I didn't want to rely on him, but the number of food choices were staggering, and I didn't know how to make one meal count for my breakfast, morning snack, and lunch. Plus, it wasn't like my problem was a secret. We had talked about that, too, and decided it was best if Rose let Dimitri, Lissa, and Christian know about it before the trip so that nobody would ask questions.

"Can you help me?" I asked reluctantly.

"Of course." He moved down the buffet line with me. "How about you take a little bit of a lot of different things? Does that sound good? Start with the hot food, and if you really need to take a break, you can take the other stuff to go and eat it in our room." Adrian had such a calming effect on me that I actually enjoyed brunch. I still didn't love the idea of eating so much food in one sitting, but true to his word, Adrian let me sneak some of it out of the dining room in my purse. I finished my giant meal sitting on the balcony off our room, bundled up in the fluffy comforter from our bed, with Adrian's arm wrapped around my waist so that nothing in the world could hurt me.

_Author's Note:__ I decided to split this chapter into two parts because it's already pretty long! I haven't written the second part yet but it will be up within the next couple days. I've had a lot going on this week. _


	18. Chapter 17: Heads, Hearts, and Diamonds

**Chapter 17: Heads, Hearts, and Diamonds**

_**Saturday evening: Adrian**_

The early morning sunlight streamed in through a break in the curtains, bringing out the gold highlights in Sydney's blonde hair. She lay diagonally on the bed, her back to me. It was mid-afternoon for us, and she wanted to rest. Despite lying next to her for nearly an hour, I couldn't fall asleep. Taking care not to disturb her, I rolled out of bed, grabbed my coat, and slipped out the door.

Outside, I lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply, slowly, purposefully. I wasn't sneaking around, per se. Sydney never really said I _couldn't_ smoke. She was a lot more compassionate than was Rose, and she didn't set ultimatums. Besides, Sydney had her own share of demons, and unlike Rose, she was willing to acknowledge them. No, Sydney did not judge me for smoking. But I tried to avoid it around her anyway.

In stark contrast to my reputation as a party boy, I've always preferred smoking and drinking alone. Alone, you can let your mind drift. It can be nice to set a buzzed brain afloat. When I give up the magic of spirit, I enter a world that is magical in its own way. In the fresh air, I could smell the traces of an incoming snowfall. Not everyone can smell a storm coming, but I can't imagine it any other way. The smell is heady, earthy, metallic. Around me, it swirled with the scent of cloves, and I breathed it all in hungrily and greedily.

"Having fun?"

I turned around to see Sydney smiling at me from the doorway.

"Sorry, sweetheart," I said, about to put out my cigarette.

"No, no, it's fine," she assured me. "But could we… could we maybe go swimming? It's just that I'd like to see the pools, and maybe it wouldn't be so bad for me to own a swimsuit, you know, just in case I'd ever need one. I don't see why I would, but it's good to be prepared. Or we could do something else. It was just an idea."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "You'll do it?" I asked excitedly. "If I buy you a swimsuit, you'll actually wear it and we can go swimming?"

"That's the idea."

We hurried to the store before she could change her mind. I wanted to buy her every single bikini in that place. After only a minor anxiety attack and plenty of reassurance from me that dressing room mirrors make everyone look weird, Sydney chose an emerald green bikini with turquoise sequins lining the seams.

She looked stunning in the store, and in the ambient light of the cave that housed the pools, she took my breath away. I hopped into one of the smaller pools, a round one with a lavender-colored tiled floor that made the water appear otherworldly. I reached up and put both hands on Sydney just above her waist, hoping I wasn't hurting her ribs just by touching her. She leaned into me and allowed me to lift her and lower her into the water, wincing a little when it got chilly.

"Nice, isn't it?" I asked.

She looked so peaceful, propelling herself slowly through the water. She stopped and fixed her golden eyes on mine. "I feel weightless again," she said dreamily.

I didn't know how to feel about that. I loved to see her happy and relaxed, but I didn't want to put her in any situation that might trigger her eating disorder. When she slipped into it, I no longer understood her or knew how to reach her. Is that what it's like to watch a spirit user like me when we drift into our own little realities? Whatever it was, it was scary.

I was grateful when a waitress showed up to take our drink orders. Sipping a mojito in the cool water watching my beautiful girl swim was a perfect way to spend an afternoon. While we were there, my phone buzzed twice. I had texts from both Rose and Lissa, each saying that she had plans with her boyfriend and the rest of us were on our own for dinner. I suppose that left Sydney and I with no plans, which suited us just fine.

"God, you are gorgeous," I said heatedly. "I don't know how I'm keeping my hands off you right now." It was true. Her eyes were as sparkly as her swimsuit.

She smiled. "I don't know _why_ you are." She swam up to me, and we sat side-by-side on the steps. I held a mojito in one hand and Sydney in the other. We had been just relaxing all day, and I could tell by her aura that she was ready to do something more. I was ready too, and I found myself trying to suppress all kinds of thoughts. If I started getting too excited about all the possibilities for later, she—and anyone else who looked at me—would know right away. Girls are lucky like that. They can think whatever sexy thoughts they want and no one has to know…

Sydney leaned over, her voice low in my ear. "I never thought I'd say this, but can you drink that a little faster? There are some things I'd like to do back in the room."

"Oh yeah? What things?"

She smiled. "You'll just have to wait and find out, won't you?"

I downed my drink.

_**Saturday evening: Christian**_

_You're all set for tonight_, the text read._ Door will be unlocked. Good luck! –Fr. Artur_. Getting a text from a priest felt a bit odd, but I was really grateful for Father Artur's help. I still couldn't believe I was going to go through with this. In my heart, I knew it was the right decision, but the heart can be wrong.

"I'm ready!" Lissa called from upstairs. Sweet, beautiful Lissa. She descended the stairs like the queen she is, wrapped in a spring green silk dress. Her long, blonde hair flowed to her narrow waist, bangs clipped back with green pins. The woman seems to have a never-ending supply of dresses, and I see her in them every day, but she is even more beautiful when she's relaxed, when she doesn't have to be the Dragomir queen of the Moroi world, just the love of my life sitting down to a nice dinner with me.

I kissed her cheek when she reached the bottom of the stairs and linked her arm through mine. The resort had several restaurants, and we had both agreed on Italian for the night. It was the fanciest, and I think we both would have been okay with something more casual, but good food was worth throwing on a dress and a suit again.

"Queen Vasilisa," the host nodded to us. "Lord Ozera. Right this way, please." He led us to a private room at the back of the restaurant. Cool. Every Moroi in the place looked up when we passed through the dining room, and Lissa graciously waved. I smiled too. I still felt awkward getting attention, but if all went well tonight, I would really have to get used to it.

_Relax, _I told myself sternly. Lissa could pick up on nervousness or tension from anyone around her, and I didn't want to worry her, especially because I couldn't tell her why I was so nervous. I rarely thought about the fact that my girlfriend was the queen, but all of a sudden, everything was becoming so real.

Sure enough, she picked up on it. "What's wrong?" she asked, as we studied the menu.

"Nothing at all," I said. It was true. Everything was right. I just had to trust myself.

_**Saturday evening: Dimitri**_

There are many great and terrible things about dating an adventurous, reckless woman. You never know quite what they're going to do. Out on the slopes of the ski resort, I was reminded of everything I love about Rose's spirit. She was excited to get out there, and downright ecstatic when I told her that Lissa had pulled some strings and we could have the slopes all to ourselves after they normally closed for the night. That meant we would be skiing in real sunlight.

"I'm gonna kick your ass," Rose announced on the ski lift, trying to look fierce. Really, she just looked like a kid on Christmas morning.

"Oh yeah?" I smiled. "We'll see about that." I started dreaming up challenges that would test us without getting us killed, or so I hoped. Her brown eyes gleamed behind her ski goggles. She always had so much energy to burn, and I knew that any tiredness from the long night of skiing would evaporate when I unveiled my grand plan later.

But Rose is, as I said, unpredictable. A free spirit. When I met her, I called her "wild and disrespectful." She still is, and I've learned to love that about her. But the challenges that faced us and our relationship when we met are as real as ever. Between our shared sense of duty and her inability to stay still, I couldn't be certain about our future. I thought I knew in my heart what she would say and do, but the heart can be wrong.

Snow began falling softly while we were on the slopes. Our goggles easily protected us from it, and it gave a nice ambience to the whole area. When the snow began to fall harder, she agreed to take a break and go inside the lodge for a bit. We sat by the fire and I brought her a cup of hot chocolate. She held it in her lap, staring down at it without drinking it, biting her lower lip.

"Roza?" I asked gently, my heart plummeting. "What's wrong?"

She looked up at me. There were tears hiding behind those eyes, I could tell. She was physically struggling to hold them back. "It's just… I wanted to make it different. It _is _different. To make new memories, memories with you… you're the only one I wanted anyway, but he didn't know that. He thought… he thought he had a chance, and I thought he did too… it's what I always do—did, before you and I could really be together… and he _died_."

My head spun as I tried to piece together what she was saying. Rose wasn't known for being rational, but I could always follow her logic. Her vacant expression scared me a little.

"Are you… are you talking about Mason?" I guessed. It all clicked together. She was. "You were here with him before he died. At the resort. Skiing on these slopes." I suddenly felt horrible for putting her through this. I hadn't known. We avoided each other during that first trip.

She nodded, biting her lip so hard I thought it would split. I wanted her to just give in and cry. Finally, she did. I held out my arms to her and she sat on the arm of my chair, leaning into me. I held her close to me.

"We were challenging each other to stunts out there. I took his challenge, and made it. He sprained his ankle pretty badly. I should have taken it as a sign of what was to come." She was sobbing, mascara running down her cheeks.

"No, Roza, no," I soothed, wiping away a tear with my thumb. "It was a coincidence, that's all. It was his idea to try the course. It was his idea to go to Spokane. And to go back into that house for you. He couldn't help how he felt about you, just like you couldn't help how you felt about me. You did the best you could. You both did the best you could. You're trying to make sense out of something senseless."

"It just hurts," she sobbed. "It _still _hurts."

"And it probably always will," I murmured. It wasn't positive, but she didn't want positive. She wanted truth. It was what we had always given to each other. We had been through so much together. Sometimes, truth was all we had.

In fact, I felt closest to her during emotional times like this. Our entire relationship had been full of turmoil from the start. It was forbidden; it was powerful; it was sexy. Dangerous. Downright dangerous. When things settled down, I knew she'd have a hard time adjusting. I knew _we_ would have a hard time adjusting. When we were apart, and all I had to hold onto was small talk each night, it was hard. It was even harder to know that she was drunk, that she was in pain, and that she was hiding it all from me. I had never felt so helpless.

But we were going to make it. I knew we were. I had to believe in us, or I would never be able to do what I planned to do that night. This moment would pass for Rose. Until then, the best I could do was hold her and assure her that I would always be there. In my heart, I knew it to be true.

_**Saturday evening: Adrian **_

I began to fill the giant whirlpool tub in our bathroom the moment we returned so that we could have our own private pool of sorts. "Hey, Sage, come look at these bubbles! They're purple!" I yelled. Where was she, anyway? She had followed me back into our suite, then I lost her. I hoped she was planning some sort of sexy surprise.

Sydney appeared in the doorway wearing my sweatshirt over the green bikini. More clothes? That wasn't really what I had in mind. But I was distracted by the vacant stare on her face. Her eyes were glazed over.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?"

She just shook her head. I held out my arms and she came over to sit on the side of the bathtub with me. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I was hoping that whatever this was, it would pass quickly. Wasn't she turned on just five minutes ago? I don't get the same spirit-induced darkness that Lissa does, but when I can't indulge in any of my vices, my anxiety does spike. At that moment, if I couldn't have sex, I at least needed a drink or a cigarette. Preferably a few of each. With a side of sex. And maybe some onion rings.

"I just walked past a mirror. Adrian, I can't do this. I can't be with you," she said, eyes still blank. "I'm too fat."

If she were crying, I honestly might have had more sympathy. The way she was staring, it was like something else had taken over her entirely. It scared me, and I lost it. I threw my hands in the air. "What do you want me to say, Sydney? That you're not fat? You already know I think you're way too thin. But I know I'm not supposed to say that. I'm not supposed to say anything about your weight at all. But then what am I supposed to say when you throw shit like this at me? I can't say anything, but I can't say nothing, and dammit, Sage, it isn't fair!"

"Then _leave_!" she hollered back. "I know you want to! Just leave me! Go find a Moroi girl. Someone simple. Someone you can just screw and then let go. Someone who doesn't want anything more than that."

"You know," I said in a low voice, dead serious. "That I don't want to leave you. I _love _you, and it hurts. You know what Rose did to me. It hurts me to open myself up to you, to trust you, but I do it, because that is what you do when you love someone. I know that's a foreign concept for you, Sydney, but not everything in life fits into neat little boxes."

"Well, maybe you should try to go back to Rose," she said. Alright, Sydney really was crazy. "Because you want someone who is strong and confident and spontaneous. I'm none of those things."

I studied her. She may be crazy, but she was _my _crazy girl. "I don't want Rose. I want you, and you want me, and _why _do you have to make this impossible?"

"I'm leaving," she announced, striding purposefully toward the door. I wanted to spring up and run after her, but something told me to stay put.

"Alright," I said coolly. "But you might want to put on some pants first. It's cold outside."

"You want me to leave?" she asked incredulously. I could feel the ice inside her thawing out. I had confused her, and it momentarily brought her back to herself, mind spinning so that she could try to figure out what I was doing.

"That's not what I want at all," I said. "But if you want to go, I have no right to stop you. I love you and I want you, but I don't own you. This is your decision. I only ask that you think about it carefully before you make it."

I could see the internal struggle as she tried to break the spell. Slowly, she made her way to the bathroom, where I still sat on the side of the tub. Wordlessly, she took off the sweatshirt and slid into the hot, bubbly water. I took off my own shirt and joined her. We were quiet for what seemed like forever.

"I'm sorry," she said after awhile.

"I know."

"I don't know what I was thinking."

"You weren't thinking."

Silence.

"Adrian, I'm sorry I'm not really in the mood… anymore…"

"I understand." I sighed, looking at the clock on the bathroom wall. "And it's time for dinner anyway."

She turned to look at me. "_Seriously?_"

"Seriously."

And for reasons unbeknownst to us, we burst out laughing.

_**Saturday night: Christian**_

"And then Rose just wound up and _punched _her!" Lissa exclaimed. We were reminiscing about our school days, draining our bottle of wine and laughing hysterically. "I mean, I had to disapprove, but really she kinda deserved it. At the time, that is."

"Oh, I remember." I grinned and leaned back in my chair. "Want to go for a walk after dinner?"

She made a face. "It's cold outside."

"We're not going outside, silly girl," I promised.

"Oh, you have somewhere in mind?"

I smiled mischievously. "Maybe."

That caught her attention. "Well, alright then."

After we paid the bill, I took her hand and led her in the direction of the chapel. The resort was huge, but most of the buildings were connected. The chapel wasn't quite there, but it was only about a hundred yards away from the rest of the complex.

Lissa frowned as we approached the doors. "You said we weren't going outside! I can't walk through the snow in these shoes!"

"We'll be outside for maybe 30 seconds," I promised. "I'll even carry you if you want." The sun was just starting to rise, and the windows on the doors were tinted. We couldn't see the chapel until we opened the doors and stepped outside.

All of her protests stopped the moment she laid eyes on the chapel. It was small, but gorgeous and stately with stained glass windows and a bell tower. "Oh, Christian," she breathed. "I didn't even know this was here!"

I took her hand. "Let's get out of the cold, shall we?" I knew she'd love this place. It was warm inside, with an elaborate crucifix hanging above the altar. It was much fancier than the chapel at St. Vladimir's. I still would have preferred to take her to that one, but this would have to do.

I led her to the door that Father Artur had left unlocked for me. It opened to a set of creaky, wooden stairs. I had been there earlier in the day to set up, and I couldn't wait for her to see it. Lissa gasped when we reached the top of the stairs. Candles lined the little loft, and I used my magic to light them all at once. I had been practicing that one for awhile. There were floor pillows in rich shades of red and purple in one corner of the room, but I had cleared the center. I led her to the middle of the room and took her hands in mine. I drew in a deep breath.

"My sweet, gentle, elegant, beautiful, radiant girl," I began. "Who gave me a chance when no one else would. I never would have dreamed that the Dragomir princess would notice me, but you did. It was your kindness that led me to see myself as something other than an outcast from a disgraced family, a weird kid who couldn't quite fit into a group. I will never know what drew us both to an attic just like this one. I think it was fate, and I am so unbelievably happy that it did. You have brought me more joy than I ever thought possible. And I've noticed a change in you, too. I like to think I brought out the little sarcastic side in you that even Rose couldn't." She smiled at that. "Still, I may never be worthy of your love, but I want to spend the rest of my life trying. I know we're young, and you've grown up so fast this year. But someday…" I got down on one knee. Her green eyes widened as they met my blue ones, and chills ran down my spine. I pulled a box out of my pocket and opened it, revealing a diamond ring. "…someday, Queen Vasilisa Sabina Rhea Dragomir… will, you, Lissa, marry me?"

"Yes!" she said breathlessly and immediately. I could have cried right then and there. "Yes, yes, a million times over, yes."

I slid the ring on her finger and leapt up, embracing her and kissing her. I could have stayed there forever, her warm hands on my cheeks and mine wrapped around her waist. Eventually, we broke apart, and she examined the ring for the first time. "It's beautiful. All of this is beautiful." She kissed me again. "We're beautiful."

_**Saturday night: Dimitri **_

I was right about Rose. Her tears dried quickly and she was ready to return to the slopes. I took it as a sign of her trust in me that she didn't even appear embarrassed. I knew how much Rose hated to cry in front of anyone. Maybe I was an exception. I liked the thought of that.

It was winter and the days were still short, so the sun was just starting to rise as we rode the ski lift. The slopes were now closed to everyone but us. "Beautiful, isn't it?" I asked.

"Very," she said softly, gazing out over the mountains. For as much as she complained about living in Montana, I knew Rose loved this kind of terrain. It was rugged, wild, and beautiful, just like my girl. My palms began to sweat. She really was a wild one. Was it fair of me to ask her the question I planned to ask? But I knew in my heart that there was no turning back. She would either be completely overwhelmed or completely ecstatic. She would wear her heart on her sleeve. Any questions I had about her readiness would soon be answered.

We hopped off the lift at the top of the highest slope. I gently removed her ski poles from her hands, dropping my own in the process, and lifted the helmet off her head and the goggles off her face before removing my own. Her long hair streamed behind her, tangled from the wind.

"Dimitri?" she asked cautiously. "Is everything okay?"

I took both of her hands in mine. "More than okay," I smiled. "Life hasn't been perfect since the moment we met or anything like that. We've had our fair share of ups and downs. A lot more than our fair share, in fact."

"Really? I had no idea. Here I thought we've just been sitting on our asses for the past year."

Leave it to Rose to nearly ruin the moment. I just sighed and continued. "But we've overcome them. And if we can do that, we can do anything. We have literally gone to the ends of the earth for each other. To hell and back. We've been dead. And now we are more alive than ever."

Her face grew serious, starting to realize that this was no ordinary conversation. There were no quips about my "Zen life lessons" from her this time around.

"You're young, Roza. To some extent, you always will be. It's one of the things I love about you. But we've both lived a thousand lifetimes. We can wait a few more years. Take all the time you need. But Roza, I want to be with you forever." I got down on one knee. She clasped one hand over her mouth in shock, the other hand still laced with mine. "I want to wake up next to you. To fight alongside you. To fight _for _you and to know you'd do the same for me. I love you, Rosemarie Hathaway. Will you marry me?"

Her laughter was music to my ears. "Yes!" she exclaimed. "Yes, of course!"

I slid a ring onto her finger. It was simple, practical, nothing like the one Christian bought for Lissa, but it suited Rose perfectly. She helped me to my feet, threw her arms around my neck, and kissed me passionately. When our lips drifted apart, our eyes met. "I never dreamed I'd get married," she said.

"Getting married doesn't mean settling," I assured her. "We're guardians. It's not just what we do, it's who we are. Nothing has to change that, and nothing will ever change my love for you."

"I'm starting to believe," she said softly. "That we really can have it all."

_**Sunday morning: Lissa**_

I had thought that maybe last night was a dream, I truly questioned my sanity when Rose called me early in the morning to share her news. Had spirit gotten ahold of me after all? No, this was all too beautiful and real. Surreal, but real nonetheless. Rose was engaged too.

We went for a walk, not wanting Sydney (or the boys) to have to sit through our girl talk for all of breakfast. I had never seen Rose so happy. She was positively glowing. I knew I must look the same way.

"And a royal wedding, Lissa!" she exclaimed, after she told me the story of Dimitri's proposal. I didn't think she had even taken a breath. Maybe not needing oxygen was a side effect of guardian training, or maybe it was just Rose. "I'm going to be the maid of honor in a royal wedding!" Oh, Rose. Always the center of her own little world.

"Yes, of course you are." I smiled. "Want to hear about how Christian proposed?"

"Oh my god! Of course!"

By the time we reached our hallway again, we were already late. The others were standing outside their doors, waiting for us, but they didn't seem to mind. We all had announcements to make and plans to make, but for now, it was all celebration. When the plane took off that afternoon, I leaned into Christian's shoulder. I was not just joyful—I was at peace.

_Author's Note:__ This chapter took me forever to write! I'm not much of a romantic. Okay, I'm hardly a romantic at all. I hope I did their stories some justice. I'm pretty good at rambling speeches, anyway, so I threw a few of those in there. _

_So now we've heard from all of the main characters who don't usually narrate—Adrian, Christian, Dimitri, Lissa. I had the most fun with Adrian's point of view because I'm so similar to him. It came more naturally to me than Rose's or Sydney's POV! _

_I've already written most of the next chapter, so it should be up pretty soon. It's my take on field experience, with Rose narrating. That one has been quite enjoyable for me to write! I'm moving to a new city in three days, so I'd like to be completely done with the story before then. There will be 2 or 3 more chapters, depending on whether or not I decide to split the next one. Even though I'm almost done with the story, I would still love and appreciate any reviews you want to send my way! _


	19. Chapter 18: Six Weeks, One Night

**Chapter 18: Six Weeks, One Night**

The air itself tingled with nervous excitement. For weeks, all the senior novices could talk about was their upcoming field experience: Six weeks of guarding a Moroi senior while fighting off unpredictable attacks from their instructors. Honestly, I was looking forward to it as well. I knew I'd be pretty beat up by the end of it, because I would be staging a lot of the attacks. But field experience always spiced things up on campus after the long winter.

All thirty-two senior novices were sitting on the bleachers by the track. Alberta explained the procedure to the class. They all had it memorized, and my main job was to glare at students who were whispering to one another. Everyone was quiet when she began calling names, with the novice's name first and their assigned Moroi's name second. I was as nervous as they were, because I had had a say in the assignments. One of them, I knew, could be a problem. It was the result of a very tough decision on my part. I was protective of every student in my training group, as always, but I would really be holding my breath until the middle of the alphabet.

"Dominic Addison," Alberta began. "Nikolai Platonov." The assignment was fine with me. Nikolai seemed like a pretty quiet, easygoing kid. He and Dominic might not be best friends, but they would have a decent guarding relationship.

"Brooke Afanasyeva," she continued. "Kristina Ivashkova." Putting an Ivashkov under Brooke's protection had been Alberta's idea, and I glowed with pride. Getting assigned to a royal from a really prominent family like the Ivashkovs was usually a good sign for a novice's future.

Alex Clay was the next of my students to be called, and he too was paired with a royal: Melanie Badica. I was equally excited for Aria Shevchenko to hear that she was assigned to Jordan Drozdov. In addition to being from a powerful family, Jordan was pretty hot—not that I should think of St. Vladimir's students that way anymore, even if they were my age. Aria would have some decent eye candy to get her through six tough weeks. But first, Alberta had to get through the middle of the alphabet.

"Polina Kachusova." I held my breath. "Elliott Ozera."

Polina's blue eyes snapped instantly to mine, even though Alberta had read the names. Yeah, that went over about as well as I expected.

"Wesley McCormick. Savannah Conta." Polina's eyes narrowed even further at the thought of someone else protecting her girlfriend.

"Ian Zaleska," Alberta finished. "Hannah Szelsky." I had tuned out. The novices were instructed to pack a bag and go find their Moroi at lunch. I wanted to leave too, but there was a fireball coming at me in skinny jeans and knee-high boots.

"What the hell is this?" Polina demanded, shaking her assignment packet.

Alberta looked to me. It was just understood that the angry little dhampir standing in front of us was my responsibility. I guess I was up to the task.

"It looks pretty similar to your field experience assignment," I answered. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that's what it is."

"Really? Because I think it looks more like Wesley's assignment. Are you really going to make me find him and switch? Getting this right is _your_ job. I have better things to do."

_How did Dimitri never slap me when I was his student? _

"You want better things to do?" I was _not_ about to play this game with her again. "I can think of plenty for you to do on your day off. I'm happy to share my ideas if you speak to me like that one more time."

Alberta was watching us in both awe and amusement. She probably hadn't believed that I would ever meet my match.

"Well, if Savannah and some Ozera are attacked at the same time, I'm going to go for Savannah. I don't give a fuck whose name is on this packet."

I wanted to shake her. "And that is precisely why I made the choice that I did. Being a guardian is not about protecting someone you love. It's about protecting Moroi. I know you can't see it now, but being assigned to someone else will make you a better guardian for Savannah in the long run—assuming that you _are_ assigned to Savannah, which you should never assume. You need to learn when to tone down your emotions and do what you're supposed to do. Right now, what you're supposed to do is find Elliott Ozera. This conversation is over. _Go_."

Still furious, she stomped off to the commons in search of Elliott.

I turned to Alberta and shrugged. "That went pretty well."

After lunch, I pulled up the senior class rosters on my computer. Savannah Conta and Elliott Ozera were both enrolled in seventh period Moroi Culture 4. This was going to be interesting.

Every instructor had different styles of handling field experience. The first difference was in timing. Some liked to wait several days before their first attack, keeping the novices hyper-alert and downright paranoid. I didn't really enjoy seeing them that twitchy, and more importantly, I didn't want to get bored. I staged my first attack less than two hours after lunch.

To be fair, I wanted to make it a relatively easy one. The novice, if he or she were able to take me down, would make a good first impression on all of the guardians and get a boost of confidence going into the next six weeks. I hadn't decided on my "victim" yet until I saw Alex Clay leaving the Moroi dorms with Melanie Badica. The quad was nearly empty except for the pair of them. I ducked behind a building until they passed, then grabbed Melanie from behind.

Alex sprang into action immediately. He punched my face with one hand, just hard enough to make me loosen my grip on Melanie a tiny bit. He pulled her out of my hands and she started to run away.

"Melanie! Stay where I can see you!" he bellowed, taking a strong kick to the shin from me. Guardians didn't wear shin guards in the real world, and Alex would almost certainly have a nasty bruise. He returned the favor, slamming me to the ground and raking his nails across my cheek. His practice stake went toward my heart, but I dodged it with my upper body and socked him in the eye. This was turning into a nastier fight than I had expected. I used my legs to get some leverage, then flipped him onto his back. As I twisted my arm to pin his neck and win the fight, his hand came out of nowhere and I felt the dull practice stake being shoved just under my ribcage. I admitted defeat.

"Fuck," he said calmly, in between rapid breaths. "I'm going to look like I lost."

He had a point. "Well, that was an A plus job. I'll do my best to spread the word. Sorry there weren't more people around to see it." I really was sorry. I hadn't thought of that. Alex really had fought brilliantly and had no audience except a terrified Melanie Badica.

Or so I thought. I looked up to see an entire class of Moroi lined up against the first-floor windows of their classroom, chanting Alex's last name.

"I'll be damned," I said. "You have a fan club. Go take Melanie to her class. I'll go get you an ice pack for that eye and bring it to class."

He opened his mouth to protest.

"You'll still look like a badass; don't worry," I said. "The fingernails on my face were a nice touch, although I doubt a real Strigoi would have even felt it. Use your stake on the Strigoi's face, if you can. The silver will really hurt them. Good job keeping your Moroi in your line of sight. That was smart."

He thanked me and nodded, taking in the feedback and processing it. A Strigoi may not have felt his fingernails, but I sure did. My eye couldn't have looked much better than his did. This field experience was going to be far more painful than my own.

When I brought an ice pack to Alex's class, I held one to my own face too. Hey, I promised I'd help him look like a badass. Another instructor, Paul Vignovich, was on his way there to take notes on the novices. He shook his head when I passed him in the hallway. "Everyone is going to show up to trials in a cast by the time you're done with them."

"Not if we've taught them well!" I called back to him. I should have known I was going to be the one picking fights all day. I hoped my enthusiasm would dim by the end of field experience, or I was going to be one giant bruise. Fortunately, I had a brilliant idea to make this year's field experience extra fun for myself—I mean, to fully prepare the novices for the real world. I could hardly wait to bring it up at the next guardians' meeting.

"I have a proposal," I said loftily. Everyone turned toward me, no doubt a little afraid.

"Do enlighten us, Guardian Hathaway," Alberta said dryly. We still bickered a lot, although it was more for fun these days, much like my conversations with Christian.

"I want to throw a party."

"Of course you do."

"No, no, hear me out," I insisted. "We worry about the novices getting complacent and letting their guard down if they go too long without an attack during field experience. And it's all well and good to protect a Moroi who just goes through normal school days. But what about parties? Moroi go to all sorts of parties, especially the royals. It's easy to secure a classroom. Securing an entire venue? Much more difficult. So I want to throw a party. A dance, actually."

"Doesn't that seem a little mean?" asked Quentin McCortney, another guardian. "Their Moroi classmates get to go to a dance, and they just have to stand against the wall?"

"Not really," argued Alyssa Vogel. I could see the wheels turning behind her blue-green eyes. "There's nothing unusual about that when they're out in the real world, and it's about time they grow up. I actually think it's a great idea." Alyssa was probably my favorite instructor currently working at the Academy—other than myself, of course. She was only a few years older than me, also female, annoyingly smart, and every bit as tough as Alberta and I.

"It's never been done before," said Alberta. I shot her a look. "But that doesn't make it a bad idea," she conceded.

"I'm with Quentin," said Gregory Madison. "It's the end of their high school experience. They should be allowed to have fun."

"We could compromise," I suggested. "Have them show us how they would secure the venue, then let them have fun." Compromise? I was so proud of myself.

"On the other hand, we do sometimes stage attacks on the novices' day off, just to teach them that they should jump in to take down the threat no matter what. Why can't we do something similar? If you really want to make it a learning experience, we should let them get all dressed up and _then _stage an attack," said Alyssa. I made a mental note to buy her a cookie or something.

"Or attack an after-party," I said excitedly. I was met with blank stares. "Come on, you know the parties going to happen, and then we don't have to feel guilty, because they're already doing something wrong."

"Just because you were drunk for most of your high school days doesn't mean the rest of them are," said Alberta. I wasn't really drunk all the time until my teaching days, but that was irrelevant.

Alyssa shrugged. "Sounds like fun to me."

We all argued for awhile. In the end, my crazy plan of attacking the after-parties actually won. I think that the more conservative guardians just liked the idea of sending a message about underage drinking to all students, Moroi and dhampirs alike.

The evening of the dance came around, and I was a chaperone. I didn't really mind, even though it meant I had to wear a dress before I could change into my all-black "Strigoi" gear later on. It was weird to see my students, who were always athletic and serious, outside of the gym or classroom. I was also interested to see who went together as dates. Haley and Dominic, I had to admit, were cute. His maroon tie even matched her knee-length maroon dress. Brooke and Alex seemed to be together as well, although they split up whenever they needed to do so in order to keep an eye on their Moroi. We had told them it wasn't necessary, but I really admired their dedication and planned to make a note of it in their records.

I surveyed the dance floor. Guardians really do make great chaperones because we see everything. I bit back a laugh when I saw old Quentin McCortney breaking up a Moroi couple who were dancing inappropriately, and Sam Silverstein arguing with Hannah Szelsky about whether or not her dress was too short for a school function. Her date was emphatically defending the dress. I beamed when I saw Polina and Savannah slow-dancing together. They looked absolutely beautiful.

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a dhampir girl leaning on the arm of a Moroi boy, laughing loudly. His hand was low on her body, pulling up the hem of her dress so far that he might as well have just felt her up in public. She was at least a foot shorter than him, and I recognized her curly brown hair and petite, muscular body from the back. Within seconds, I had approached her and spun her around by the arm.

"Ow!" she yelped angrily. It really shouldn't have hurt. I had to catch her as she tripped. Again, that should not have happened. I looked into her eyes. Little Aria was definitely drunk. The guilty look on Jordan Drozdov—who was her date _and _the Moroi she was supposed to be guarding—told me that he was too.

I steadied Aria, only to put my hands on her shoulders and push her out the door from behind. In the hallway, I lowered my voice.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

She didn't answer, clearly not wanting to hand me any information that I didn't already know. Smart girl. She tried to keep her face in its trademark serious expression, but it wasn't very intimidating when she was tipsy. Still, I thought, she could probably get away with staying at the dance as long as she was done drinking for the night. I only knew she was drunk because I knew her so well. Still, I was pretty angry. If she wasn't going to explain herself, I'd do it for her.

"Do you have any idea what you're known for around here?" I began. "Being really talented and dedicated and full of promise. Do you know how lucky you are to be acknowledged like that? To have the reputation you've earned? _Do you?_ I don't think so. Because if you did, you would hold onto it better than this. Showing up to a school dance drunk _during field experience_? That counts as endangering your Moroi. And you're _dating _him now too? You know better than that. You're disappointing me in so many ways right now that I don't even know where to begin."

She stared at me, wide-eyed. I realized that my words were really hurting her. She thought highly of me and really valued my opinion of her. I expected her to snap back at me with her usual feisty attitude, but she didn't even try. I began to wonder what, if anything, was really wrong with her going to the dance with Jordan.

"Are you… dating… Jordan?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No! I swear. I know it was unprofessional to go to the dance with him. I shouldn't have gone with anyone. We don't have feelings for each other at all."

"You didn't look like you were just friends," I said warningly. Then again, she was right—they didn't look like they really cared about each other romantically either.

"Well," she said, letting the alcohol get the better of her and giggling a little bit. "Not, like… emotional… feelings…."

Got it. I leaned in. "Is he trying to take advantage of you? Would he pressure you to do anything you don't want to do?"

"No!" she repeated earnestly. "I want to. I really want to. We've already done everything up to… shit… you don't need to know that, do you. Oh my god, I am so sorry. This is awkward."

I may never know what compelled me to do what I did next. "Stay here," I instructed. I marched back into the gym and found Adrian about to make out with Sydney in a corner. Was anyone around here _not _drunk and horny? "Adrian!" I barked. "Need you. Just for a minute." I led him into the hallway, where Aria had flattened herself against the wall, probably hoping she could just melt into it. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the incredible awkwardness that was about to go down.

"Adrian, meet Aria. Aria, Adrian," I introduced them quickly. "You two have a lot in common. You're both horny whores. I mean that in the nicest way possible. Adrian, give me your wallet."

"What, draining my trust fund in Russia wasn't enough?" he asked. "You want a dollar for the vending machine or something?"

"Just give it to me," I snapped. Silently, he handed it over. I flipped through it, pulled out a few condoms, and handed them to Aria. "Thanks, Adrian." I gave him back his wallet and he practically ran back into the gym, not asking any more questions.

I turned to Aria. "One night," I told her sternly. "You have one night to be reckless and unprofessional, and then this kind of thing can never happen again." Something in her eyes told me all I needed to know. "First time?"

She nodded.

"It'll probably hurt a little bit. If you change your mind, tell him. He'll stop. If he doesn't, tell him I'll kick his ass. It won't hurt for long. The sex, I mean. Not me kicking Jordan's ass. That would hurt for long. It might be good—your first time, that is—or it might not be. I've only ever had sex with someone I love. I don't know what it's like to do what you're doing, but it's your choice. And Aria? No more drinking tonight. You need to be clear-headed if you're going to make this decision." _And if you go to an after-party, you'll be screwed tonight in more ways than one. _

Her face was back to being the perfect picture of guardian seriousness. I knew, without a doubt, that she was going to be great. Soon, she would be a full-fledged guardian, and she would grow into her new role. To help her along, I decided I should probably ambush the hell out of her and Jordan on Monday. Or Tuesday. She might be expecting it on Monday.

I guess she didn't know I was planning her demise, because she threw her arms around me, surprising both of us. I patted her shoulder, strangely comforted by the way she was clinging to me like a little monkey. Nobody ever relies on me for this kind of stuff. I'm a fighter. So is Aria. But in that moment, we were just two young female guardians trying to do the impossible: make the most of our talent, keep our reputations clean, and not lose sight of those human genes that make us something other than just warriors—something arguably stronger.

We broke apart, and she hurried back to the gym. I didn't need to tell her to keep our conversation a total secret. She knew what was at stake.

_Author's Note__: Sorry about the incredible awkwardness. But it did serve a purpose, and you know how straightforward Rose can be! I thought it was kinda funny too. The next chapter will finish up field experience. _


	20. Chapter 19: Lessons Learned

**Chapter 19: Lessons Learned**

Twenty minutes before the dance was supposed to end, I met up with Alyssa Vogel in the gym locker room, where we had hidden our black "Strigoi" uniforms. We dressed quickly, hoping to catch students in transit. Field experience was serious business, but we couldn't help but find this part pretty funny. The sun was out in full force, and real Strigoi attacks couldn't occur outdoors during daylight. Our best bet was to hide in the dorms and attack students before they could get to the parties.

"Let's go to the Moroi dorms," I suggested. "The bigger parties will be there. They'll be mostly Moroi students, but I bet we can catch some dhampirs in the group."

Alyssa didn't question my insider knowledge. My reputation preceded me as always. With a nod, the Moroi security guard on duty let us in. We considered hiding in the elevators and ambushing students who tried to use them, but chose to just keep it simple and creep in a small lounge off the side of the main lobby. We let some students, mostly Moroi couples, go by. After about twenty minutes, I nudged Alyssa. A group of six Moroi—all royal—and three senior novices was approaching the dorm. The way Olivia Lazar was holding her purse made me think that she had a bottle or two tucked away in there.

"Attack on my count," I instructed Alyssa. "I'm going for the Lazar girl."

Todd Aleskola, one of the novices, opened the door to let the rest of the crowd pass through.

"Three… two… one." We sprang out of the lounge. Olivia shrieked as I grabbed her and dragged her into the lounge. Her purse slipped off her shoulder, and a bottle smashed. The old Moroi security guard just shook his head, watching the scene with both weariness and amusement.

Alyssa was fighting Todd, and the other two novices went for me. I recognized them as Damien and Bryson Redding, twin brothers from a relatively wealthy family. They were heavy and strong, but unusually clumsy that night. I backed them into a corner, figuring it would confuse them. Sure enough, it did. Alyssa finished off Todd. I hoped she would come help me with the Reddings, who were swinging clumsy punches left and right. I didn't want to make any offensive moves without backup. But first, I saw Alyssa grab Emma Voda's hand as it inched toward the trashcan. Alyssa pried a small bag of weed out of the girl's grasp. Neither of the Redding boys even made an effort to stake me, and Alyssa and I easily pinned them to the ground.

By the time we finished handing out nine sets of detentions and three failing grades and confiscating all drugs and alcohol, there was no time to actually bust a party. That was okay. We had certainly sent a message, one that would travel very quickly over the weekend. Guiltily, I wondered if I had chosen that group because they were the kind of students I had hated when I was one. Sure, I went to their parties before Lissa and I left, but I always knew that I was unwanted. I was only there because of Lissa's social status, and maybe because they thought they could hook up with me. At least my reputation as a slut got me some good party invites when I was a student, I suppose, but the cockiness of those three dhampir boys now just struck me as annoying.

The attack did, however, serve a purpose. There were five royal families represented in that group. Had those three novices failed to protect them, it would have been a major triumph for real Strigoi. Let's just say that's why I chose them.

During my Monday lunch break, I checked over my field experience to-do list:

Attack on first day

Attack after dance

Attack 5+ novices in one day to maintain badass reputation

Make Polina choose between Elliott and Savannah

Kick Aria's ass

So much to do, so little time, and I knew the list would only get longer. I was staring it down and devouring French fries when a small voice interrupted me.

"Hey, Rose?" I looked up to see Sydney standing in front of me with a tray of food. "Can I sit with you?"

"Of course!" I pushed aside my notes and cleared a place for her across from my seat. "Hey, you're out of captivity! They're letting you eat in the cafeteria now?"

She smiled, looking both happy and a little nervous. "Yeah, first day. Just for lunch. I'm sitting with you because it'll make me look like I'm trying to be normal."

"Missed you too." I surveyed her tray. It looked pretty good, but I knew she was still supposed to gain a little more weight. "And you got everything that you're supposed to eat?"

She proudly stuck a post-it note on the table in front of me. I recognized Dr. Olendzski's handwriting. "You can check it yourself." Sure enough, she had everything she was supposed to eat. I even signed the post-it, causing her to roll her eyes.

"What are you writing?" Sydney asked, looking at my checklist. "Even if you were a student, I wouldn't believe you were actually doing homework during your break."

"It practically is homework. It's my plans for my work, anyway."

"Doesn't it get old, attacking people all day?"

I considered this. "Not really. It might be the best part of this job."

After lunch, I changed into my black Strigoi uniform and staked out a spot near Savannah Conta's and Elliott Ozera's seventh period class. Once again, I enlisted Alyssa's help. Out of respect to Savannah and Polina, I was really vague about why I needed her to attack Savannah Conta, and as usual, Alyssa trusted that I had a good reason.

We lurked behind the corner until I got a good view. Polina was teamed up with Wesley, Savannah's guardian for field experience. They were pair guarding, and Polina was far guard. Perfect. Alyssa and I lunged for the two Moroi. She grabbed Savannah and I took Elliott. We pulled the Moroi in opposite directions.

There was no hesitation. Polina leapt into action… at me. My heart swelled with pride. She had done it. She had prioritized her Moroi over her girlfriend. Her job over her love life. My joy was interrupted by a kick to the stomach. She fought fiercely, pinning me down for the last time when I looked to see how Wesley was doing with Alyssa. When I was down for the count, Polina jumped back into the fray just in time to see Wesley stake Alyssa. I stood up again and met Polina's eyes. Then, not caring who saw, I reached forward and drew her into my arms, hugging her tightly as she leaned against my shoulder.

"You got it," I whispered in her ear, my cheek pressed against her hair. "You really got it."

It rained on graduation day, big drops pelting the windows and adding to the solemnity of the event for the new guardians. Dimitri and I watched, our backs to the wall. I'm sure I annoyed him when I nudged him and whispered something along the lines of, "that's one of mine!" every time one of my students went up to get his or her promise mark. I could see Sydney and Adrian sitting in the audience. She looked beautiful in a light blue dress. His hand rested casually on her knee.

As she walked back to her position in the rows of standing guardians, Polina's fierce blue eyes met mine. I gave her a small smile. She kept that neutral expression that we are all trained to wear in formal situations like this, but she gave just the slightest nod of her head.

_You're welcome,_ I thought. But_ moreover, thank _you.

_Author's Note__: So there you have it, the end of the school year! There will be one more chapter, which will hopefully be posted soon. If you're a fan of Rose/Dimitri and general adorableness, it should make you happy. _


End file.
